QAnon Just Announced A New Religion Called MAGAism
MAGAism’s prophet is, of course, Donald Trump.
QAnon has just announced the creation of a new religion centered on Donald Trump called MAGAism.
While the rollout of this new religious movement is still unfolding, QAnon says that the Church of MAGAism has four pillars.
1st Pillar — Declaration of Faith: MAGA followers assert that there is no US president except Donald Trump, who is the living messenger of God as well as humanity’s ultimate prophet. Q claims that Trump has received a new and final revelation from God to correct the previous distorted revelations with which Jews, Christians, and Muslims have erred in following God’s will, and the Holy Spirit’s divine power now reveals itself through Trump’s speeches at his rallies, his Truths and ReTruths, and his Fox News interviews with Sean Hannity.
2nd Pillar — Prayer: Daily prayers will take place five times a day (dawn, noon, afternoon, evening, and night), and MAGAism followers will kneel in the direction of either Mar-a-Lago or Bedminster, New Jersey, depending on which of his favorite properties the Prophet Donald Trump is currently residing. During prayers, the faithful must repetitively recite the Three Sacred Verses of MAGAism, which are “The 2020 election was rigged against the Prophet Donald Trump,” “The Prophet Donald Trump has the biggest hands in American history,” and “The Prophet Donald Trump could totally date Ivanka if she weren’t his daughter.”
3rd Pillar — Tithe: Followers of MAGAism must offer annual sacred donations amounting to 4.6% of their wealth to the Prophet Donald Trump’s political campaigns, superPACs, or legal defense funds to help defend the Prophet from fraud investigations, espionage charges, election fraud indictments, sexual assault accusers, political witch hunts, contractors he didn’t pay, and lawyers flipping and ratting on him. The Prophet Donald Trump has many enemies in league with Satan to prevent him from spreading the Gospel of MAGAism, and every donation will be multiplied in Heaven so many times that followers of MAGAism wouldn’t believe how wealthy they’ll be in the afterlife.
4th Pillar — Pilgrimage: All followers of MAGAism must at some point in their lives take a pilgrimage to Mar-a-Lago, and rent out a suite for at least two nights. During their stay, the faithful must reflect on how much winning the Prophet Donald Trump did for America. It’s also expected that followers bring gifts to the Prophet Donald Trump, such as 18-packs of Diet Coke, gift cards for McDonalds, dirt on Joe Biden or Ron DeSantis, photoshopped covers of Time Magazine featuring the Prophet Donald Trump, and cash.
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-Dash MacIntyre
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