Remember That Donald Trump Was Born In A Time Of Widespread Lead-Based Paint Use
I've run the numbers, and Trump has consumed not a lead-soaked paint chip fewer than 700 square feet throughout his formative years.
President Donald Trump’s presidency was offensive to humanity, and ended with a deadly attempted coup against our democracy.
He has fascist tendencies along with an awful temperament and a sociopathic lack of morality, and is the personification of everything that is analytically senseless, excessively stupid, and culturally grotesque about American society.
But while we reflect on his general miserableness, we must charitably remember that Mr. Trump was born in 1946, a full 32 years before America stopped widely using lead-based paint in homes in 1978.
Little Donnie’s childhood home was without a doubt painted with lead-based paint, and it’s quite probable that Donnie began every morning eating an unbalanced breakfast of paint chips while growing up.
I’ve run the numbers, and I can confidently estimate that Trump has consumed not a lead-soaked paint chip fewer than 700 square feet throughout his formative years. That’s a lot of lead to get into his brain and block all his axons from efficiently transmitting electrical signals! Trump’s obvious cognitive issues, lack of intellectual curiosity, ego complexes, and general incapacity for empathy of any kind undoubtedly stem from this childhood lead poisoning.
Trump has neither denied nor confirmed these speculations, but it’s not like he would want to deny them. Would he really like to admit he’s a village idiot who lost two consecutive popular votes, got impeached twice, and has already been written into history as America’s very worst president of all time on account of his refusal to honor our sacred tradition of the peaceful transfer of power without having eaten an abundance of lead paint? I wouldn’t if I was as big a moron as Donald J. Trump!
So the next time you’re giving ol’ Donnie a hard time for being terrible in every objective measure of ethical character, behavioral conduct and mental aptitude, just remember how he screwed up his toddler brain licking and sucking on pieces of the lead-filled walls of Trump Manor! When you’re laughing at him for throwing plates, splashing ketchup on the wall, choking out Secret Service agents, leaving voicemail messages full of witness tampering and intimidation, and throwing temper tantrums until the edges of his face around his orange foundation makeup turn bright red, just remember how he gnawed on his bedroom walls like a rat!
Links to more of my comedy published at Medium:
The Apology Paul Ryan Knows He Owes America
Alex Jones Is Terrified He Himself May Be A Lizard Person
Steve Bannon’s Demands For The J6 Committee Just Leaked!
There’s A New Toy Trend For Christian Girls: “Fetus Dolls”
A Twitter History Of January 6th, The Trump Impeachment, And Biden’s Inauguration
Thanks for your eyeball attention!
-Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with graffiti news and Dada humor, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio.