Republican-Approved Remakes Of Famous Disney Movies
These ideas for Disney movies are 100% guaranteed to get the liberal tears flowing!
Beauty and the Beast: after getting married, the Beast locks Belle barefoot in the kitchen, and takes away all her books because they’re too liberal and woke.
The Lion King: Simba trashes his father’s legacy as a just ruler because his dad was a total beta cuck. Simba knows Scar was a much smarter, more respected ruler, so Simba announces he’s going to Make the Pride Great Again by allying with the hyenas because the hyena military doesn’t let in gays or females.
Cinderella: Cinderella is kept from going out and having a social life because her good Christian stepmom knows she’s a little floozie who will have premarital sex and weekly abortions. When the Prince goes door to door to meet the kingdom’s single maidens, Cinderella’s father gives the Prince the symbolic key to her virginity, and warns the Prince that Cinderella has read too many feminist books so she’ll need an occasional physical reminder that the Bible says women must be subservient to men at all times.
Alice in Wonderland: Alice gets arrested for having edible drugs, and President Donald Trump’s new execution policy for drug dealers gets her executed by the state.
Peter Pan: Peter gets sent to a pray-away-the-gay camp in Mike Pence’s Indiana where the conspicuously homosexual camp counselor casts all the kids in a musical theatre production called “Captain Hook and the Pussy Pirates” that extols the virtues of vaginal sex for procreative purposes.
Sleeping Beauty: Princess Aurora sues Phillip for kissing her nonconsensually while she was asleep, but Phillip wins the court case because the judge can tell he has such a bright future ahead of him and Aurora was “asking for it.”
One Hundred and One Dalmatians: Cruella de Vil successfully lobbies the federal government to cut regulations on both puppy mills and puppy fabrics used in fashion with a “Freedom For Puppies Act” she wrote herself that claims to defend the free market against Democrats’ attempted communist takeover of the puppy industry. The Republicans ram it through Congress, and then celebrate with Cruella on their victory for capitalism wearing dalmatian coats.
The Jungle Book: Mowgli tries to reenter human society at the end, but he quickly gets arrested for being an illegal alien and deported to Mexico on account of his “cantaloupe calves” and tan skin.
Robin Hood: Robin, with his gang of outlaw socialists named Bernie, Alexandria, Barack and Joey B., don’t want to work or be productive members of society, so they slowly starve and freeze to death on the streets of Nottingham where feeding the homeless has been outlawed by the city council.
Aladdin: Jafar, who texts via WhatsApp with the son-in-law of the US president, finds out where Aladdin is thanks to American intelligence agencies, and lures him into the nearest embassy where Jafar’s parrot Iago cuts him into pieces with a bone saw. It’s an international controversy, but Jafar later gives the president’s son-in-law $2 billion for his new investment firm.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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