Republican Life Hacks To Optimize Your Life In 2025!

Get ahead this year by living like a Republican!

Photo by Trent Yarnell on Unsplash

Are you trying to cut out the stress in your life? Free yourself from the shackles of civic responsibility and societal obligations?

The Republican Party of Coyote Town, Missouri, has just published a how-to guide on how to “Live Like A Republican” with the following tried-and-true life hacks Congressional Republicans have utilized for decades!

---

Are you hopelessly in debt and supporting yourself on deficit-spending? Ask your boss for a pay cut! His company will save so much money he’s surely going to trickle down an unbelievable amount of wealth to you. And who knows how many extra jobs he’ll create for you? Maybe you can start working two full-time jobs! Or three! When your entire daily schedule gets to full employment for all 24 hours, you’ll be living the high life!

Is your neighborhood filled with litter and trash? Forget about picking it up yourself! Why start doing anything to clean up before all your neighbors do something first? You don’t want to harm your personal financial situation by spending your time and hard-earned money gathering up all the garbage in your car and driving it to a dumpster down the street yourself. And, besides, there’s no reason to believe the little bits of litter you throw out the window every few hours are directly contributing to that mountain of trash in your backyard.

The Earth has always had trash, and always will! Anyone who tells you otherwise is secretly getting paid in an international green conspiracy funded by Big Garbage.

Is your property crumbling apart after decades of neglect? Spend only the bare minimum on maintenance! Is a leaky roof or a rickety staircase worth going into debt to replace when doing so will set back your potential stock gains? Don’t worry about preventative maintenance! Only when your problems become catastrophic emergencies and disasters should you think about interfering in your free personal market with interventionist regulations because you’ll never become a billionaire while spending frivolously on things like a new water heater, air conditioner, or fixing your ungrounded electrical outlets!

If your family members don’t want to be shocked when they plug in their devices, maybe they ought to take on a little personal responsibility and bring their own portable external batteries. And don’t worry if your pipes are getting bad and poisoning your guests with lead. Your brain is doing just fine!

Are you privatizing enough? Instead of spending your own money to fix things around your house, why not let a private company come in and fix your broken electrical outlets, dishwasher, etc., and then charge fees for your family members to pay the next time they start asking for electricity handouts or clean dishes? Nickel-and-diming all your house guests could really add up to some nice profits throughout the year! So start charging your guests for the coffee, snacks, or meals they eat at your house.

Bill them every time they flush your toilet, or drink water from your sink. It’ll be a great lesson on self-sufficiency for all your entitled, communist nephews and nieces who expect free stuff.

Does your brown-skinned neighbor look “sketchy?” Report him to the Department of Homeland Security! If he’s a real, red-blooded American, he has nothing to worry about with a friendly checkup, and if he’s an illegal terrorist, you’ve done your civic duty. Also, make sure to stockpile guns and ammo in your house, and make sure you’re always spending more on weapons than all your neighbors combined. And don’t stop at conventional guns, buy some grenades and rocket launchers too. This is the one expenditure you should definitely put on a credit card.

You should probably make budget cuts everywhere in your life to make up for how much you’ll be spending on guns. Only buy used cars from now on, trade your healthcare plan for a cheaper one, and start rationing your food and medical supplies. No less than half of your discretionary spending should go toward maintaining overwhelming fire superiority over the rest of the neighborhood. Have you considered invading your neighbors’ houses preemptively? Who knows what weapons of mass destruction they could be hoarding in their homes, or what schemes they’re thinking up to threaten you. Maybe force some regime change at those addresses, and hear their wives and kids thank you for liberating them!

Is your HOA trying to raise dues — ahem — taxes? Go to your next homeowners’ association meeting dressed like a Tea Party patriot and raise Hell! Don’t let them steal your hard-earned money to fix the neighborhood pool, or add workout machines in the apartment complex gym, or do yard work in all the communal spaces! Demand the HOA cut your dues at least by half, and then insist that everyone buys their own pools, workout equipment, and lawnmowers from now on. Accuse your HOA of being “Marxist fascists” who are trying to bribe your minority neighbors for their votes with socialist gym equipment, then organize a mob to invade the HOA office and threaten to hang the HOA’s vice president if your demands are not met in full!

When the police investigate later, just assure them that you’re a patriot who loves the community, and it’s better to just move on rather than obsess over the past.

When in doubt, just remember that no communal problem ever has to be your personal problem! Just worry about yourself, and everything will work itself out. And if it doesn’t, it’s definitely your sketchy neighbors’ fault. Or the communist HOA’s fault. 🥃

---

☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!

But first subscribe to my free Substack The Halfway Café to get my work delivered right to your inbox. In this second Trumpian era of surrealist governance, nothing is more important than comedy, so consider becoming a paid member to help me write jokes about Trump, Elon Musk, and the GOP full-time!

Check out my Linktree for all my digital branches, but definitely follow The Halfway Post on Twitter, Threads, or Bluesky to interrupt your daily political doomscrolling with my Dada News.

If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I also have two poetry books full of Millennial existentialism, Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.

Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.