Republicans Killed The "Puppy Mill Bill"
The GOP has no heart.
Congressional Republicans just killed a bipartisan bill that would save puppies from puppy mills, and help them be adopted into forever homes.
The following are quotes from various Republicans about the effort:
Mitch McConnell: “The Democrats want to tell you we Republicans are monsters for voting against this, but that’s just socialism masquerading as compassion, and I will not fall for their tricks to use puppies as pawns in their political games. I’m a conservative, and will never condone the government interfering in the free market of puppy retail. Democrats are making irrational arguments based on their emotions to intervene in the economy. But I will not be intimidated by the alleged cuteness of puppies’ domesticated features, like their cartoonishly big eyes and heads, or their disproportionately sized ears and paws. Puppies have never warmed my heart. I’m a reptile man, Goddammit!”
Ted Cruz: “The faster this dumb puppy bill dies, the faster I can get to Cancún! There’s a heat wave coming to Texas this weekend threatening to kill the power grid, so I gotta get to a Cancún beach resort fast before my constituents notice I’m gone and start bitching about me leaving the state during an emergency! Dogs can’t vote for me in presidential elections, so what do I care about what puppies think about me? I don’t care about dogs at all, even if Donald Trump does call my wife one!”
Susan Collins: “I have been assured by my Republican colleagues that, if we regain the majority in Congress after the midterms, they will not pass any further anti-puppy legislation. So I trust that this bill from the Democrats is just not needed. Besides, I’m sure they’ll be too busy reneging on all the promises they made to me about not ending abortion rights or access to birth control and contraception to think about taking away any rights from puppies! I think puppies will be just fine. It’s human women who have to be concerned!”
Josh Hawley: “I gotta be honest, I’m too terrified of the January 6th protesters coming back and hanging all of us to pay any attention to what we vote on anymore. What was that sound? Are the protesters here? Ah, they’re back!” [Hawley then sprinted out of the Senate at top speed.] “My book on manliness is now available for pre-orders!” he shouted over his shoulder before rounding a corner and disappearing from view. Then he popped his head back around the corner and yelled, “Don’t forget to not masturbate!”
Matt Gaetz: “You know what I like about puppies? I keep getting older, but they stay the same age!”
Lauren Boebert: “The Second Amendment in the Constitution clearly shows guns are man’s best friend, not dogs!”
Elise Stefanik: “If it will get me ahead in the ranks government, I will tear off a puppy’s head with my teeth on live television, and hold its lifeless body above Speaker Mike Johnson head, and let the puppy’s blood drain out onto Mike’s face and into his eyes as a warning that I’m coming for his job. I will smear the blood on my forehead and cheeks like Native American war paint. I will do whatever — and I mean whatever — it takes to get ahead. If Trump will pardon me after, I will decapitate as many puppies as it takes to show him I have what it takes for him to fire JD Vance and appoint me as his new vice president.”
Jim Jordan: “I’ve never seen any abuse happen in a puppy mill. Who is saying I saw abuse happen at a puppy mill? They’re lying! No puppy ever came to me and told me it was abused! I didn’t report it because I never heard it! How can I report something I never heard? There’s nothing to investigate! I don’t have a guilty conscience! I never heard anything, I swear to God!”
Louie Gohmert: “I made love to a dog once in the woods behind my house. I was sixteen. Who knew how old the dog was. But its love was soft and tender. And, when we finished, it left and never came back. I’ve spent the rest of my life wondering, what if?”
Kristi Noem: “I call dibs on taking the puppies we need to euthanize to the shooting range!”
Mike Pence: “While I sympathize with the abused puppies, I believe prayer will save them more than adding more liberal government mandates and red tape on the pet industry. If we can just pray enough, God will change his mind about allowing puppy mills. That’s why I’ve added puppy mills to my list of nightly prayers for God to end gun violence, school shootings, abortion, sex-trafficking, slavery, murder, poverty, and children’s cancer. I think we’re real close to convincing benevolent God to make those go away! So hang on, puppies, God’s going to answer our prayers any day now, I’m sure of it!” 🥃
☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!
But first subscribe to my free Substack The Halfway Café to get my work delivered right to your inbox. In this second Trumpian era of surrealist governance, nothing is more important than comedy, so consider becoming a paid member to help me write full-time!
Check out my Linktree for all my digital branches, but definitely follow The Halfway Post on Twitter, Threads, or Bluesky to interrupt your daily political doomscrolling with my Dada News.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I also have two poetry books full of Millennial existentialism, Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
Of course they did. If it’s shitty they do it. Where will it all end?