Republicans Want Free School Lunches To Be Spit In To Teach Kids A Lesson On Socialism

"There is a direct line between Tim Walz’s free school lunches to us being forced at gunpoint to eat our own fingers by Venezuelan death squads!"

Aug 26, 2024

Republicans are attacking Democratic vice president candidate Tim Walz for passing legislation in Minnesota to give children free lunches in schools.

One notable attack came from Oklahoma Governor Meredith Jenkins:

“Governor Tim Walz is no advocate for the hungry, poor school children in Minnesota,” she said, “and it’s a shame Walz is working so hard to brainwash the kids in his state to be communist by accepting free food during the school day. We might as well just start sewing hammers and sickles onto their school uniforms, and teaching them to sing the Soviet Union’s national anthem of ‘The Internationale’ every morning instead of the Pledge of Allegiance! The Republican Party is committed to keeping our school children capitalists, and the only way we can help students from poor, urban families develop a work ethic they’ll never be taught at home from their necessarily lazy, handout-dependent, and therefore morally deficient parents is to humiliate these school children in public as much as possible to make them realize communism will not improve their lives. This is a lesson that Tim Walz’s brand of Leninist, Moaoist Stalinism will never teach them. Free school lunches are a slippery slope that leads inevitably to gulags full of enslaved peasants being forced at gunpoint to throw everything metal in their little shacks and hovels into makeshift neighborhood steel furnaces! So we must nip this American communism in the bud right now. But, believe me, I am not heartless. I realize it’s of course not all those poor Minnesota children’s fault they weren’t born into wealthy families like my kids, or me, or my husband, or our parents, or seven out of our eight grandparents, but it is poor Minnesota children’s fault they are giving into the Satanic temptation of socialist calories by accepting Tim Walz’s pinko, commie sandwiches and fruit. It’s a lie and a coastal elitist hoax that well-fed children do better in schools, score higher on national testing, act out less, just generally develop healthier and happier, and ultimately save the government billions of dollars in downstream socio-economic costs that can be avoided by helping support tens of thousands of underfed children distracted and disadvantaged daily by their hunger. But look how long it took me to say all that! These egghead Democrats want us to waste all our time reading a bunch of scientific studies and surveys about the causes and effects of child hunger, but that’s how the liberals can keep us distracted so they sneak in a whole bunch of terrorist groups full of Venezuelan gang members who will vote Democratic as long as they can have free range back and forth across the Southern border to tie up us patriotic, godly Americans and force feed our fingers to us one at a time! There is a direct line between Tim Walz’s free school lunches to us being forced at gunpoint to eat our own fingers by Venezuelan death squads! Plus, how will we pay for it nationally? I will be dead before I let the socialist Democrats raises taxes on billionaires even a single percent! Which is why it’s time for Republicans to do something drastic to keep the ember of capitalistic freedom alive in all the school children across America if Kamala Harris and her evil Democrats win in November and institute their Trotsky delusion of subsidized lunch in all fifty of our states. There’s only one thing we can do! We must ungrudgingly, and with love in our hearts, spit loogies into free every drink, entrée, and side dish that all the poor handout-accepting school children will receive at lunch time. This way we can remind them that someday, if they study hard, they might be rich, too, and be able to rise above the spit-on and become the spitters themselves. I didn’t need to eat and drink copious amounts of saliva to grow up and be rich when I was a kid because my family was already rich, and then I later married into an even richer family, but, if I had been born into a poor family, I am 100% positive that regularly being forced to consume lunch lady phlegm with thick, mucous viscosity tinged with the bitter flavor of cigarette smoke while all the rich kids at my school laughed and jeered at me would have inspired me to work hard in all my classes to make sure I’d never struggle financially. But, again, I didn’t have to because my grandparents left me millions, and my parents and my husband’s parents each let us be executives in our respective family companies right out of high school. But the poor school children of America won’t learn how to lift themselves up by their bootstraps like me and my husband did in the summer between graduating high school and accepting a huge salary in our grandpas’ companies. These students from poor families will thank me when they’re older and lower-middle-class, I promise you that! So sorry Governor Walz, you can keep your free sandwiches in Minnesota. School children in red states will stay hungry rather than give in to socialism! They’ll starve rather than give their souls to Stalin and Mao! God bless childhood hunger!”

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