Rudy Giuliani Just Announced He’s Running For President
And this week’s other Dada news headlines from The Halfway Post!
Rudy Giuliani is reportedly thinking about running for president, says “America needs a straight-shooter president again.”
Ivanka Kushner just told reporters that it’s time for her to make a “conscious uncoupling” from her father.
Donald Trump admitted he can’t read and his IQ is low, and that’s why he shouldn’t be prosecuted for stealing so many top secret documents.
Eric Trump says he can no longer defend his father. “I’m a patriot before I’m a Trump.”
Donald Trump has stopped putting on his foundation makeup, and told friends and staffers, “What’s the point anymore?”
Donald Trump is now passing out cups of Kool-Aid to the guests at Mar-a-Lago.
Judges in 6 states have now removed Bibles from school libraries citing GOP laws banning books with sexual content, with one judge pointing out that almost immediately Adam and Eve’s kids are doing incest, and then Lot’s daughters rape him when he’s drunk.
A MAGA country singer who claimed his music is written “to raise awareness about all the children whose blood is drank by Democrats” just got arrested for possessing child pornography.
A Fox News host says all patriots in NYC should turn on their gas stoves, cough in their loved ones’ faces, and open their windows to let in the wildfire smoke so they can breathe in the fresh air of “government-can’t-tell-me-what-to-do freedom.”
The founder of the MAGA dating app “Rightward Love” admitted his app is used almost exclusively for gay hookups, saying, “I don’t condone that lifestyle, but a million dollars in annual profits is a million dollars in annual profits.”
Hillary Clinton has reportedly rented out a bar in NYC, and is paying for free drinks for everyone from now until Donald Trump perp-walked into the federal couthouse in Miami.
Pat Robertson reportedly admitted he was gay on his deathbed.
Donald Trump was overheard in the Mar-a-Lago buffet line tonight telling people on several different phone calls he was going to “hide underground like Saddam.”
QAnon says the wildfire smoke covering New York City proves the “The Storm” is beginning, and Donald Trump will soon be reinstated with JFK Jr. as his vice president.
The Saudi LIV golf tour says all PGA golfers must sign a nondisclosure agreement specifying they can never publicly accuse Donald Trump of cheating in future golf tournaments.
Donald Trump just announced he will not be paying any of his lawyers a single cent until they convince the DOJ to drop the espionage indictments.
Eric Trump reportedly just asked his father, “Daddy, are we bad people?”
Donald Trump’s deal with the Saudi LIV Golf tour stipulates that he gets to win 2 tournaments per year.
Fox News host: “Liberals are somehow brainwashing children even before they get to socialist public schools because my 4-year-old son was somehow totally unbothered when he saw two gay men holding hands in public this weekend!”
A televangelist in Florida is demanding God stop making rainbows after thunderstorms.
Donald Trump is asking the DOJ not to send him to prison because Barron needs a father figure.
Jared Kushner just complained to Fox News about how the fake news never gave him credit for donating $500 to charity last year.
In a rare moment of emotional honesty, Donald Trump told Sean Hannity in an interview tonight that he sometimes worries people don’t like him as much as he claims.
Donald Trump is reportedly offering staffers $10 million to take all the blame for his theft of classified documents.
In rural Dixon, Mississippi, the town’s conservatives are now sifting through trash bins for food at night to avoid having to shop at their only grocery store after it put up a Gay Pride flag.
During a campaign event in Iowa today, Ron DeSantis looked visibly furious after his wife Casey accidentally admitted that their daughter watches Disney’s “Frozen” every single day.
Matt Walsh: “You would not believe how much transgender porn I watched while doing research for my ‘What Is A Woman’ movie. I must have spent the equivalent of 3 months during my research on these sites.”
After NASCAR tweeted in support of Pride Month, a MAGA fan in Iowa accidentally burned down his house trying to light his “Let’s Go Brandon” flag on fire.
Josh Hawley just announced he’s boycotting sex with his wife for the entirety of June to protest gay pride.
One of the guys who heckled Donald Trump for supporting the COVID vaccines at his event today runs a “MAGA hospital” in Louisiana that uses leeches to “suck the vaccine out” of people who regret getting vaccinated.
Ivanka and Jared Kushner just signed the paperwork to buy a mansion in a posh Saudi Arabian neighborhood next door to Mohammed bin Salman’s summer palace, and reportedly got a “Friends & Family” discount.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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