Scientists Have Named Another STD After Donald Trump: MAGArrhea
A newly discovered STD scientifically named Neisseria MAGArrhea was named after Donald Trump’s political movement.
A newly discovered STD scientifically named Neisseria MAGArrhea was named after Donald Trump’s political movement because its discoverers thought the red bumps it causes to grow on men’s penises look like they are wearing little MAGA hats.
“These little MAGArrhea bacteria are a real nuisance,” explained Dr. Thomas Beck, “and the way they really dig in and burn makes them an exceptionally annoying sexually transmitted infection to get. It kind of reminded me the way MAGA fans won’t stop trying to end American democracy to cultishly protect the fragile, frail, ego of Donald Trump, who is American history’s preeminent narcissistic sociopath.”
Unfortunately, Neisseria MAGArrhea is particularly resistant to antibiotics.
“This STD’s ability to withstand penicillin treatments is kind of like how MAGA fans are impervious to suggestions that Donald Trump is not a good businessman worthy of respect, or a devout believer in Jesus, or a real billionaire, or that he’s innocent of the plethora of crimes he has been accused of by dozens of people and even entire state governments and the US Justice Department,” continued Dr. Beck. “These little MAGArrhea sores smell bad up close, kind of like how the idea that everyone in the world is lying except Donald Trump politically smells like shit. I guess it’s arguably unprofessional for a doctor like me to so vulgarly insert politics into my medical work, but I think if Donald Trump’s cruel presidency full of fascist daily tendencies proves anything, it’s that nothing really matters anymore, and there’s no consequences whatsoever for any moral crime if you just really have no shame at all. Really, what facet of decency or decorum has Donald Trump not personally scratched with his therapist nightmare sociopathy? Have you ever counted up all the people who have worked for Trump, and said he’s either an idiot or the least moral person they’ve ever met? Rex Tillerson, Gary Cohn, Michael Cohen, Omarosa Manigault Newman, Anthony Scaramucci, H.R. McMaster, Jim Mattis, Mark Milley, Mark Esper, John Bolton, John Kelly, and Bill Barr all have said publicly they either think Trump is stupid, unfit for the job, shouldn’t be reelected, or all of the above. Mike Pence, Chris Christie, and Nikki Haley all were hired by Trump, and are running against him for president. What other person in US politics has alarmed so many loyal people? Burned so many bridges? Earned such derision from his underlings? Donald Trump, and his MAGA political movement that thoughtlessly mistakes his blatant, narcissistic demagoguery for populism, have earned the dishonor this scientific classification of Neisseria MAGArrhea represents
Dr. Beck sighed, then went on.
“Besides, Trump brazenly politicized every aspect of our government and culture he touched. And to add insult to our national injury, he got away with being a terrible president surviving a record two impeachments, one of which was personally extorting Ukraine to try and get some political interference. And the other was literally for instigating a violent coup attempt. He took no aspect of his role as chief executive of the United States of America seriously. No sacred honor or responsibility of the Office of the Presidency impressed him. He even continues to be unable or perhaps merely unwilling to bother pretending to care about dead soldiers. Especially if it’s raining because his hair might get wet. He takes no responsibility for anything, and speaks in the superlative language of a 4th grader when declaring nonexistent successes and unearned achievements. He used to harass Forbes Magazine and variously beg and threaten them to inflate their projections of his wealth. Most of his time is spent denying avoidable failures he bears sole responsibility for, and he pushes his underlings under the bus at first convenience, and then declares life-long blood feuds when they criticize his leadership abilities or describe his belligerent character flaws. He is a hurricane of tempestuous juvenility, and exhausting because of it. And a real fascist threat. He loves vowing to enact vengeance upon his enemies, and regularly was stopped from breaking laws against executive autocracy by his chiefs of staff who have admitted to sometimes stealing awful memos and executive orders from his desk. And it’s just mind-numbingly stupid how impulsive and easily puppeteered he is. So he really only attracts other awful people because he has no friends, and these even better conmen use him like a dumb car salesman to sell his MAGA crowd their outrageous scams of violating the public good. Everything about Donald Trump is repulsive to the ideals of liberal democracy and government for the people, and he’s so sociopathically self-serving that his red MAGA hat wearing supporters cheering him on are really doing to America what Neisseria MAGArrhea does to the poor, unfortunate penises it infects. A painful burning with oozing, smelly pus.”
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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