The 18 Most Deranged Reveals From Trump’s Criminal Trials
Halfway true Dada News updates from Dash MacIntyre about Donald Trump's ongoing criminal prosecutions.
Trump’s lawyers asked the prosecution teams to include Trump’s name in every paragraph of his indictments so they could get him to actually read through them.
Trump clogged a courthouse toilet trying to flush notes from his lawyer.
Trump told his lawyers near an unintentionally hot mic loud enough for courtroom witnesses to hear him that if Ron DeSantis, Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, or any other Republican primary candidate wins Iowa or New Hampshire, he’ll “do another January 6th” in Des Moines or Concord.
Trump has mouthed, “I’m going to kill you,” at several witnesses.
Trump told the jury he can’t go to jail because his son Barron needs him. He faked wiping a tear away with a handkerchief, and then pointed to a boy in the audience who was not Barron. He asked the boy, “Aren’t we so incredibly close, Barrom? Tell them, tell these mean people how much you love your dear pa-pa.” Trump’s lawyers then called out “Objection!” and the judge gaveled for order in the courtroom and threatened Trump with contempt of court if he’d try to address any other members of the gallery.
Melania has attended most of her husband’s trial dates, and has always sat in the back of the room watching with a big smile on her face starkly contrasting the typical dour face she maintains when around her husband.
Trump has called Mike Pence a “pussy who could have done a very loyal thing” during all of his opening statements so far, and vowed to make Pence the very first entrant into his second term concentration camps.
Sean Hannity, Lindsey Graham, and Jim Jordan have all broken down into tears on Fox programming while describing how unfair the justice system is being to Trump.
The judge struck down the Trump legal team’s demand to see the long-form birth certificates of every member of the jury.
Eric Trump attended only one of his father’s court appearances, but got banned from the rest after he repeatedly stood up in the middle of the audience galley and yelled out, “Objection!” or “Overruled!” at inappropriate times.
Trump asked to go to the bathroom, then snuck past his security officer and got out the door. There was about a fifteen-minute delay to the court proceedings until the bailiff found him at the McDonalds a block away.
Rudy Giuliani was kicked out of the audience gallery after several other attendees complained he was keeping his hand in his pants the whole time, and moaning a little bit. Rudy said it wasn’t his fault, it’s just that his ED medicine was giving him one of those feared longer-than-four-hour-boners, and he requested the bailiff call him an ambulance. Then, while he was waiting, he leaned over toward a young woman nearby, and asked her, “Did you know I’m a movie star? Check me out in Borat.”
Melania has worn her “I don’t really care, do u?” jacket to the trial several times.
Trump has attacked the courtroom sketch artists on Truth Social numerous times for “making him look” guilty, fat, ugly, old, stupid, and bald.
Trump has tried to fire all his lawyers and defend himself several times, but the judge has reminded him that he signed his name and committed himself to using advice of counsel.
One witness, a contractor in the Palm Beach area, responded to Trump’s outburst accusing him of being a rat by saying that he wouldn’t have testified against Trump if Trump had paid him the money he was owed.
Federal prosecutors revealed they have proof Trump stole the top secret war plans because the documents had ketchup stains on the corners with his fingerprints in them.
The judge originally refused to let Trump get a new Diet Coke can every thirty-six minutes, but Trump began repeatedly suffering suddenly acute withdrawal symptoms if he’d go a full hour without a new can, such as nervously scratching into the defense table, groaning and stomping his feet, foaming at the mouth, and having seizures.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
My new prose poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available in print and on Kindle. If you like the themes, attitude, and humor of my satirical work, you’ll like my poetry as well!
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