The Christmas Content At Fox News Has Gotten Real Weird
The Culture War is entering another “War On Christmas” season, and Fox News has some wild content this year
What If Democrats Had Aborted Jesus? A dramatic imagining of our Founding Fathers as Muslim terrorists, featuring El Binyamin Franklin, Tamam al-Jefferson, and Ghasan Washington, the first caliph of al-Ameriqaeda
Even Hitler Didn’t Blitzkrieg Christmas Like Democrats Have: a Laura Ingraham production featuring a “liberal Santa,” who has divorced Mrs. Claus to be gay with the elves, dyed his hair purple, and taken up the drinking of children’s blood
Globalism Vs The Messiah: a conspiratorial documentary alleging that George Soros’s long ago ancestors paid Pontius Pilate to kill Jesus, only Jesus didn’t die, and had kids in a direct family line that led many generations later to Donald Trump
God’s Chosen President: a propaganda film in North Korean style that claims Donald Trump was virgin-birthed, only golfs holes-in-one, and he does not pee or poop
How To Keep Your Testicles Tan Throughout The Dark Winter: a Tucker Carlson production advertising his new Tucker’s Testes 2.0 testicle tanning machines, which retail for $199.99
A Libertarian Christmas Carol: a remake where several ghosts visit Tiny Tim on Christmas Eve and inspire him to stop complaining and expecting free stuff, and to pull himself up by his crutches to become the very rich CEO of a coal mine with abysmal safety records that employs only children to save money on labor costs
Donald Trump Jr.’s Christmas Stories: Fox has agreed to give Don Jr. a weekly show on Sundays at 11pm to share memories of growing up with Donald Trump as his father, and whatever else comes to his head as he sniffles with glassy, red eyes that blink one time per minute
Gift Ideas From The NRA: a presentation on why AR-15s are a perfect Christmas gift for Christians to celebrate Jesus’s lamb-like mercy, love, and forgiveness to your enemies
Christmas Decorating With Melania Trump: a camera follows Melania as she grudgingly directs the placement of decorations at Mar-a-Lago looking repeatedly at pictures of White House Christmas decor from 2009–2016, and odd moments where her lips are moving but there is no sound because the producers had to cut out the audio of all the times she mutters to herself “I f*cking hate Christmas,” “This is f***ing bullshit!” and “How the f*ck has Jabba not died from a heart attack yet?”
It’s A Wokeful Life: a conservative parody of “It’s A Wonderful Life,” in which the protagonist Jim Crow is depressed about everyone hating him until in a dream he sees what a Critical Race Theory dystopia of racial equality America would be today if he hadn’t ever existed
A Joe Biden Christmas: an animated cartoon for kids showing Christmas morning where there are no gifts for any children because of inflation and socialism, and there’s not even any coal for the naughty children because Biden converted all our energy to solar and wind power, and now because it’s winter and cloudy everyone’s homes have no power so Christmas is ruined for everyone
Advertisements for Mike Lindell’s newest MyPillow product, a pillow that shows Donald Trump’s butt bending over so that MAGA fans can brown-nose Trump even while sleeping, sold at the sale price of $45.45
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
My prose poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available in print and on Kindle now. If you like the themes, attitude, and humor of my satirical work, you’ll like my poetry as well!
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