Bud Light says its cans only turn rainbow-colored when being held by people who are secretly gay.
Republican Senator Tom Rankford says he regrets saying, “Women’s vaginas and uteruses will treat the courts’ judicial decisions against abortion rights as liberators.”
Universities across the nation are now charging students an extra $2,000 on their tuition to help cover the costs of inevitable mass shootings.
75% of US alcohol companies have now signed on to a plan to promote LGBTQ+ equality on their cans, bottles, and marketing called “Ally Or Dry.”
Disney just unveiled its newest character, which looks a lot like Ron DeSantis: “Ronnie The Dung Beetle.”
GOP Senator Tom Rankford accidentally said on a hot mic, “If only people of color, millennials, GenZ, suburban women, union workers, the college educated, and city dwellers could be disenfranchised, Republicans would win every state.”
Republicans are threatening that, if Donald Trump goes to prison, they’ll nominate Eric.
Florida Republicans are proposing a bill that would take away the right to vote from every woman who has had an abortion so those women can’t punish them electorally for their draconian anti-abortion policies.
Marjorie Taylor Greene claims she saw hundreds of dead babies in the streets of New York City.
During Donald Trump’s arraignment, he reportedly peed all over the floor and walls in the bathroom of the DA’s office instead of in the toilet.
BREAKING NEWS: A local man who just robbed a bank, burned down an orphanage, and killed three FBI agents has surged ahead of Donald Trump in the presidential primary because of how much GOP voters love criminals.
The Secret Service installed a glass barrier between the front seats and back seats of the vehicle they’re using to drive Donald Trump to the Manhattan DA’s office so he can’t try to choke another agent.
Joe Biden says he’ll pardon Donald Trump if Don Jr, Eric, Ivanka, and Jared all let the media have their laptops.
Eric Trump has reportedly agreed to smuggle his father orange foundation makeup up his butt into prison if his dad ever gets incarcerated.
Elon Musk’s new Twitter plan is to give everyone a blue checkmark and pretend everyone is paying him.
Donald Trump is reportedly paying for two of his female lawyers to get breast implants ahead of his upcoming trials.
Donald Trump will not be paying to keep his Twitter account’s blue checkmark because he currently has no liquid cash that isn’t going to pay his lawyers defending him in his two-dozen ongoing criminal and civil investigations.
Donald Trump: “Alvin Bragg is a weak idiot. He could have got me for a thousand counts of fraud!”
An FBI agent under anonymity says Donald Trump’s secret love letters to Kim Jong-un suggest his plan all along has been to defect to North Korea if he’s ever about to be arrested.
Ivanka Trump says the fact that she’s never invited to socialite parties anymore is violating her First Amendment right to be a hot girl.
Florida Republicans just created a Committee On Degenerate Art to oversee what artwork that schools can show students.
The Florida state senator who is trying to outlaw pictures of nude statues like Michelangelo’s David from school textbooks has a pair of “truck nuts” hanging from his truck’s tow hitch.
A local cop in a permit-less, open-carry red state says he’s terrified every day that each response call he gets could be someone with an AR-15 that would rip apart his body in seconds, but Republicans don’t care about police and refuse to protect him and his fellow cops.
A Florida GOP state senator accidentally said on a hot mic, “School vouchers will allow public schools to go bankrupt while all the rich, white, suburban kids can go to private charter schools for free and fill up availability before poor Black kids can get accepted.”
A Fox News host just claimed “mass shootings never used to happen when Trump was president.”
Several dozen wives of Republican members of Congress are demanding to know why their husbands talk and think about trans people 24/7.
Donald Trump just announced he’ll be hosting a “Trump Youth” summer camp at Mar-a-Lago in June.
The CEO of the latest dating app for conservatives called “The Right One” admitted his app is struggling to keep female users because of how quickly male users start threatening women who won’t go on dates with them.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio.
Check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon!