The Guide To Whether Republicans Think Teenagers Are Children Or Adults
The following are topics on which Republicans can’t make up their minds whether teenagers should be thought of as innocent children or life-hardened adults:
Reading books: Children! Teens are extremely impressionable, and must be sheltered from any and all sexual or transgender material. If teenagers read a single book with a gay or trans character, you can kiss their cisgender heterosexuality away! They’ll dye their hair blue, pin animé buttons all over their jackets and backpacks, and swear allegiance to Bernie Sanders and Jospeh Stalin in midnight ceremonies outside in the woods like nerdy Wiccan lesbians. And they’ll bother you all the time about recycling and pronouns. In fact, to undo all the liberal brainwashing in the mainstream media, you should probably force your teenagers to watch an hour of straight porn every day. Only the missionary position, though. You don’t want to make sex look like fun to your teen daughters.
Jobs: Adults! Teens are practically full-on adults, and deserve the right to work after school or even drop out to make money. Plus, it’s better for our economy if we have our children compete against the child labor in Asia. America needs to be competitive! And it’s much cheaper for our coal mines to dig tunnels for children rather than the bigger tunnels needed for full-size adult workers. That’s the kind of efficiency America needs to outcompete China! Take Arkansas as an example. The local economy is booming thanks to Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and her successful efforts bringing back child labor. She says she won’t stop pushing Arkansas’s children out of school and into the labor force for the state’s job creators to utilize at cheap wage levels until Arkansas has the lowest high school graduation rate in the country.
Pornography: Children! Porn is pervasive online, and Senator Josh Hawley is correct when he says it’s the biggest societal threat we face. It must be eradicated as we are sexualizing our children much too early!
Marriage: Adults! Girls should be able to get married to older men as soon as they start menstruating. Every girl’s first period is a sign from God that she’s ready to be proposed to, preferably an older man from her church who will treat her like a child.
Abortion: Adults! Teen girls should carry that baby to term, birth it, and thank God for the miracle of pregnancy, no matter what unfortunate circumstances precipitated its conception. If teen girls are unable to support the baby, there’s all kinds of resources they can take advantage of to help raise their miracle baby.
Healthcare, school lunches, food stamps, & pre-K education: Adults! Fuck social safety nets! What are we, communist?! It’s not our fault people are born into poverty! Work hard and get ahead by yourself, that’s what my grandpa did! And now even I’m still living off of his hard work. The poor can be like me if they’d only try.
Guns: Adults! It’s imperative we arm our children in school because there are so many school shooters everywhere. And if all the other kids have guns, mine certainly will too! And if my kids all have guns, I gotta have a gun on me all the time too. And a grenade. I need to keep up firepower superiority over my kids. Don’t want them coming after me. You never know when your kid might get an Oedipal complex and try to take you out to marry your wife. Or one of your wife’s cousins from the hills will try to steal her.
Political opinions and voting: Children! Teenagers don’t know anything yet, which is why they’re so liberal! If we listened to teen voters, American would turn overnight into a hellscape where every citizen has access to healthcare, education, good wages, and gets paid vacation time every year like Europeans! I will be dead before the liberals force me to dress like an Italian dandy.
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