The House Freedom Caucus Just Unveiled A Ludicrous 2024 Platform

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

The House Freedom Caucus, made up of the GOP’s most toxically partisan firebrand representatives, is campaigning for American voters to keep the House of Representatives in Republican control.

“We deserve to keep the majority!” exclaimed Representative Karlos Kepler, “From killing the bipartisan immigration deal, to voting against the Biden Administration’s construction projects in our own districts, to humiliating our party by blocking and then sinking Kevin McCarthy’s speakership, to repeatedly threatening government shutdowns, this Republican-controlled Congress has done the kind of bold action that deserves reelection!”

The following is the list of planks from the America First House Caucus platform ostensibly promoting “Real America’s Values,” authored by caucus co-chairs Marjorie Taylor Greene and Louie Gohmert:

• All guns will be exempt from sales or inheritance taxes

• Sex with guns will be legalized, and formally recognized with “ammosexual” becoming an official, government-protected sexual identity

• Bestiality should no longer be illegal because of its service to occupying the sexual frustrations of horny, young, potential incels, just a little frowned upon and not too directly encouraged

• Cousin marriage should not only be legal, but endorsed in order to double down on Real American families’ white and Christian genetics in their kids’ DNA [incestual inbreeding is a liberal elitist hoax]

• Gohmert in three places calls for increasing government spending by several billion dollars to “study and prevent alien abductions and their subsequent anal probes”

• Greene wants to fund a national study of Canadian genealogical records to see if Canadians are “really white,” and, depending on the findings, construct a border wall across the entire northern US states and Alaska by 2035

• Renounce the heliocentric model of the solar system, and return to the “Christian geocentric model”

• Outlaw abortion nationally, and institute a federal tribunal to adjudicate “Women’s Crimes”

• Ammosexuals [this one is listed several times]

• Replace all health, sex-ed, and civics classes in public schools with “Pray-For-America-Time.”

• Allow the Confederate states to put the Confederate Flag back in their state flags, and print the motto “Republicans are the Party of Lincoln” on it

• Build a fleet of space satellites with laser beams to win the new space race against the Jewish satellites [Greene’s addition]

• Subsidize guns to increase safety by mandating everyone be armed at all times [unfortunately the funds to finance this will be taken from another initiative intended to promote mental health]

• Fund a government initiative to “disprove once and for all the female orgasm” [Gohmert’s addition]

• Fund public schools to buy and install “Trans-dar Detectors”

• Demand corporations start updating their Christmas branding so all depictions of Santa Claus and his wife include kids because it’s “sending the wrong message” to child-less people, and is “odd that Santa has no kids but hangs around so many little boy elves”

• Amend the Congressional rules to ban women legislators from wearing pants

• Amend the legal code so that flashing people your genitalia in public gets a more lenient punishment with a “3-strikes-and-you’re-out” policy [added by Gohmert]

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