The Internet's Dumbest 25 Personal Essays

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

I used to enjoy reading the personal essays on The Huffington Post because they occasionally had truly insane sounding essay titles like these I made up for fun:

• Why I Love Snooping In Everybody’s Things, And Shouldn’t Be Expected To Change

• I Thought I Lived A Charmed, Happily-Ever-After Life. Then My Husband Said I Couldn’t Adopt A 9th Cat

• The 5 Valuable Life Lessons I’m Sharing With The World By Finding Random Addresses To Mail Packages Full Of Live Spiders

• How Eating Fried Green Tomatoes At A BBQ Restaurant Made Me Realize I Don’t Actually Care Much For Fried Green Tomatoes

• The 9 Disrespectful Microaggressions That We Stamp Collectors Regularly Have To Deal With When We Show People Our Collections

• Women Never Noticed Me Until I Stalked Them For Months Always A Court-Mandated 50-Feet Away. Here’s Why Blame Goes Both Ways.

• How My Sex Work Job Roleplaying As Gollum From The Lord Of The Rings For Lonely Millionaires Gave Me The Confidence To Leave My Husband And Kids, And Run An Underground Sex Dungeon Airbnb In A Missouri Cave

• I’m So Nervous To Poop Around People I Go Outside And Poop In The Woods Behind My House When My Husband Is Home. I Tell Him I Love Hiking. Here’s How I Came To Terms With This.

• No One Believes I’m A Bisexual Woman Because I’m Married To A Man And Only Ever Dated Men And Don’t Have Any Female Friends, But I’m Still Just As Much A Social Victim Of Systemic Oppression As People Of Color And Trans People

• I Thought Eating Spicy Things Only Burned Going In. Boy Was I Wrong When It Came Out The Other End!

• How Raising My 11-Year-Old Daughter As A Libertarian Turned Her Into A Mean, Selfish, Psycho Who Bullies Me Daily And Parasitically Does Not Contribute To The Family In Any Way

• My Cubicle At Work Has An Opaque Door And No Windows So It Shouldn’t Matter What Websites I Visit During Work Hours

• I Thought Life Wasn’t Worth Living. Then I Discovered My Passion For Herpetology In The Louisville Zoo’s Turtle Room

• Why I’ve Learned To Appreciate, Honor, And Even Love Belgians, And Now I Only Hate The Dutch

• What I Learned About Ageism As An 87-Year-Old Spinster Who Tells People On Dating Apps I’m 22 And “DTF”

• White People Said We Were Sorry. Why It’s Exhausting That That’s Not Enough.

• Why I Dress Up Like Mr. Rogers, The Pope, And Santa Claus To Flash People On Downtown Busses

• Why I’m A Straight, White, Christian, Conservative Male, But Pretend To Be A Gay, Black, Atheist, Liberal, Trans Woman On Twitter To Criticize Gays, Blacks, Atheists, Liberals, And Trans People

• I’ve Been Accused Of Being An Oblivious Narcissist Who Reframes My Selfishness In My Head As Empowerment. Here’s Why They’re Wrong.

• THE SECURITY CAMERAS EVERYONE IS PUTTING ON THEIR HOMES ARE PEEPING ON ME JUST AS MUCH AS I’M PEEPING ON THOSE HOME OWNERS!

• What I Learned About Big Pharma By Taking Garbage Bags Out Of Public Trash Cans, Cutting Holes In The Bottom Corner, And Drinking The Mystery Liquids That Come Out

• I Know My Rights, And It’s Only Illegal To Shout “Fire” In A Crowded Movie Theatre. So Here’s Why I Like To Shout “Rats! Rats Are Everywhere!” Instead

• Why I’m Confident Getting Into A New Business Deal With Donald Trump Won’t Backfire And Ruin Me Financially Like So Many Who Have Done Business With Him

• A List Of High-Fiber Foods That Made My Butthole Bleed A Little 🥃

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