The Lord Of The Rings, If "Donaldo Trumpins" Was The Protagonist

Will Donaldo "Make Middle Earth Great Again" or get eaten alive by a Warg?

Photo by Ergo Zakki on Unsplash

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With everyone at Rivendell, Elrond announces that someone must take the Ring all the way to Mt. Doom. Donaldo says that’s way too far and has too many inclines he’d have to walk up.

Donaldo asks why, if they have the Ring, they don’t just use it. He says all the ring-bearers before him were idiots, and no one knows more about powerful rings than him. He then puts on the Ring after everyone tells him not to, and Sauron flatters him by telling him he’s the smartest of all the Fellowship, and has the biggest, hairiest feet of all the hobbits. Donaldo says he admires Sauron’s strength, and tells Sauron to send over his Ringwraith dragons to Rivendell to pick him up.

As the rest of the Fellowship beg him not to give the Ring to Sauron because then armies of orcs will burn all of Middle-earth, Donaldo says he “fell in love” with Sauron, and points out that Aragorn is a killer too. He says he likes monarchy bloodlines whose Elven swords don’t shatter.

Then he calls Hobbiton a shithole, and says he doesn’t care about saving the Shire because what have the other hobbits done for him? He announces he’s going to make a big, beautiful deal with Sauron, and all the peoples and races will love it.

The Fellowship tries to restrain him and take away the Ring, but he slips it on his finger and sneaks away until the Ringwraiths find him. Donaldo keeps the Ring on so Sauron’s big eye has to see him, and he starts to annoy the Dark Lord on the ride to Mordor talking about how no one knows more about ring magic than him, how Gandalf is sleepy and brain-dead and never leaves his dungeon basement, and how the Shire has way too many windmills.

Donaldo thus brings the Ring directly to Barad-dûr, and calls Sauron a genius for raising such a huge orc army. Sauron lets him have a tower on the condition he raises an army of orcs of his own, but Donaldo loses interest in working immediately, and begins to spend his time golfing with the Witch-King of Angmar until the Black Captain gets sick of Donaldo’s constant cheating and lying about his scores. Sauron requests to see the quality of Donaldo’s orcs, but Donaldo keeps telling him “in two weeks.”

When Sauron summons Donaldo and announces the beginning of the War of the Ring for which Donaldo will have to supply the orcs he pledged, Donaldo lies about how many orcs he has, exaggerating ten-fold that he’s a billionaire in orcs, and exclaims how his orcs are the best orcs of all time, and he’s one of the great orc kings of all time, and no one does big, beautiful orc armies like he does. But he then tells Sauron that the armor and weapons Sauron sold his orcs were terrible, and so he isn’t going to pay back Sauron the contracting fees for all the metal mining and blacksmithing.

When the war starts, Sauron is pissed when Donaldo’s orcs arrive late, are nowhere near the number promised, have no orc professionalism whatsoever, and Donaldo isn’t even with them. Donaldo never shows up, but, after Sauron finishes killing everyone in Gondor, Rohan, the Shire, the Dwarf mines, and, at last, the Woodland Realm and Rivendell, Donaldo shows up at the triumph feast and takes credit for the victory even though he hid in an underground bunker the whole time. Donaldo gets furious when the story of his hiding leaks out to Mordor’s newspaper, and he calls it “fake news” while demanding the leaker be found and executed.

Sauron decides he has had enough of Donaldo, and banishes him from Mordor. Donaldo wanders through the ashes of Minas Tirith feeling sorry for himself and mumbling over and over, “No one has ever been treated more unfairly than me!”

Then he finds Gríma Wormtongue — who Saruman let survive the war for betraying the Rohirrim by opening the gates at Edoras to let in the Uruk-hai — and Gríma starts sucking up to Donaldo, who falls immediately for Gríma’s praise and makes him his second-in-command.

Together they hatch a plan to orchestrate a coup against Sauron, but it’s very rough going. Gríma accidentally hosts a press conference at a Four Seasons orc whorehouse instead of the Four Seasons orc tavern, and all of Middle Earth learns Donaldo used to be best friends with the Shire’s notorious playboy pedophile who had a secret, creepy mansion on his private island in the Brandywine River past Bywater near Frogmorton.

The few remaining orcs loyal to him are put off by Donaldo’s very cancelable past conduct. Then, when they realize Donaldo will never be paying them the wages they’ve earned, they leave him, and Donaldo’s coup goes nowhere. He blames Gríma for the failure, and berates him for being a loser. Gríma erupts in anger, and shouts at Donaldo that he is not only a moron, but also a “cowardly, pathetic, clinical idiot, and narcissistic egomaniac debilitatingly incapacitated by Dunning-Kruger mental and attentive incompetence.”

Gríma leaves with Donaldo shouting after him, “You can’t quit, you’re fired!” and “You better honor the non-disclosure parchment I made you sign!”

Donaldo wanders around by himself for a bit. When it gets dark he tries to make a fire, but can’t because his small hands get tired quickly from rubbing sticks together. He yells out to no one, “Fires are rigged against me!” Donaldo lies down in the dirt to sleep, but, shortly after, a stray warg finds his scent and eats him alive. His screams echo across the barren Pelennor Fields. 🥃

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