The Most Shameless GOP Responses To Herschel Walker’s Abortion
The GOP is in a race to the bottom of integrity and consistency.
Republicans are showing off their pathetic ideological hypocrisy in their responses to the news that Herschel Walker paid for an abortion.
The following are the most craven examples:
Mitch McConnell: “If aborting every fetus in America would get me one inch closer to getting the Senate majority back, I’d do it in a fetal heartbeat.”
Donald Trump: “If I had a dollar for every abortion I paid for, I wouldn’t have to lie and beg Forbes to look at my fraudulent financial records so they’d put me on their list of billionaires.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene: “No one is talking about the fact that the Jews can do abortions from space with lasers from their satellites. The Jews can do all kinds of things from space. They made me cheat on my husband with gravity beams. One moment I was praying to Jesus, and thanking God for my pure and monogamous marriage to my ex-husband, and the next thing I knew the Jews were launching naked men at me from every direction. I tried fighting them off to stay faithful to my Christian values, but the Jews just flung too many penises at me!”
Alex Jones: “Folks, you know me, I’m no crackpot conspiracist. I tell only the truth, and the truth of the matter is that no one can verify Hillary Clinton’s whereabouts on the day Herschel Walker allegedly paid for that abortion. Did she forge that ‘Get better soon’ card that supposedly has Walker’s signature on it? Did she write the check? Was Hillary in the hospital that day? Did she use chloroform to render the doctors and nurses unconscious so she could be alone with that little zygote doing who knows what kind of horrifying, Satanic, reptilian rituals with it? Folks, Hillary absolutely refuses to tell us where she was on that day, and the liberal media is helping her cover it up!”
Dr. Mehmet Oz: “I want every Pennsylvanian to know that I may have helped murder 300 precious, adorable puppies, and thrown their lifeless bodies into garbage bags, but I’d never pay for an abortion. Unless Pennsylvanians approve of that kind of thing. Ah, damn, I can never keep track of the weird shit Pennsylvanians do, and the gross shit they eat, and the ghetto shit they say, and how the whole state smells like shit. Why can’t Pennsylvanians be more like New Jerseyans? New Jerseyans are sensible, rational people. Pennsylvanians are f*cking savages. Philadelphia is like the goddamn feral state of nature. It’s a lawless land of primitive anarchy. Running for the Senate in Pennsylvania was the biggest mistake of my life. I can’t even pretend to respect these vulgar, philistine barbarians!”
Kevin McCarthy: “What do I think about the Herschel Walker situation? Uh, what was Trump’s response? Has Trump given a response? Let me just take a look at what Trump said. Whatever Trump said I’m for. Abortion is bad. Unless Trump says it’s okay. Then I’m for abortion. Stop it with this ‘gotcha journalism,’ okay? My opinion is the same as Donald Trump’s opinion. There’s no daylight between him and me. Trump supports me, and I support Trump. So all his supporters in the House have no reason not to vote for me to be the Speaker if we Republicans take back the House. A vote for me is a vote for Trump, because I am 100% a Trump guy. You hear that, Donald? I’m loyal. I’ve always been loyal, Donald. Please don’t put me back in the dog kennel. I don’t want to go back into the kennel. You leave me in there for days at a time, and I have to go to the bathroom in the corner. It’s terrible. I hate the kennel! You told me to do whatever you say, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m a good boy, Donald. I mean Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump! I said mister! Everyone heard me say mister! Aw, Jesus Christ, it’s back in the kennel for little Kevin!”
Donald Trump Jr.: “Ha! Take that liberals! Herschel Walker owned the libs so bad by paying for that abortion. Liberal tears, am I right? The libs are crying so hard. Aren’t they, Dad? Aren’t they? Dad. Dad, did you hear me? Dad, did you hear me own the libs? Dad. Dad, I owned the libs. Dad! Oh, big deal, you can see the outline of Ivanka’s nipples through her shirt. We all have them, Dad. Honestly, Dad, it’s 2022, you shouldn’t objectify your daughter like that. Dad, stop staring. She’s not even hot.” [Donald Trump: “I paid for them, I get to stare all I want.”]
MORE OF MY COMEDY:
Ivanka Trump: “Unemployed People Should Just Get Jobs In Their Dads’ Companies”
Stephen Miller Implied He Has Eaten Human Meat
Mitch McConnell Reportedly Prays To A Turtle God
QAnon Just Announced A New Religion Called MAGAism
Thanks for your eyeballs!
-Dash MacIntyre
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