The Strategies Behind Trump's Top VP Choices Dissected
The following are Donald Trump’s personal notes for his potential vice president candidates:
Vivek Ramaswamy
Pros:
Creepily intense like Stephen Miller, with a fresh new take on the Nazi kind of vibe — he kind of seems, like Miller, that he has killed someone before
He really hates the FBI, and most of the rest of the government — he’ll definitely help me pull off another January 6th unlike pussy Mike Pence… if Vivek doesn’t have his people try to hang me before my people can get him!
He never attacked me in the primary, so he can be extremely loyal — but does he kind of reek of opportunism? That’s a major ick!
He’ll undercut the Democratic argument that I’m racist, and give me cover for all my dog-whistling
Cons:
He’s an immigrant from a brown country (and one of the shithole-ier ones)
Too ambitious? (Would he kill me to take my spot as president? Maybe I should have the Proud Boys preemptively hang him sometime in the first year of the term — then replace him with Ivanka! And bring sex-appeal back in the White House *REMINDER: institute casual Fridays at the White House in the next term so Ivanka and all the other ladies show a little more skin!)
He can really get a crowd going… but maybe too well? (I definitely do not want anyone who’ll ever upstage me for even a second)
His style of talking and speechifying is like a younger, more energetic Ted Cruz — major ick!
Tim Scott
Pros:
He’s shown some very impressive early promise and talent changing the subject to Joe Biden any time he’s asked about my fraud, tax evasion, sexual assault lawsuits, or treason
All the “Blacks 4 Trump” groups might finally sign up their first Black members we don’t have to pay $50 an hour to come to my rallies (Gotta really get serious about saving money — these lawsuits and prosecutions are bleeding me dry!)
I can get away with hiring only white people for the rest of my next cabinet if I have a Black VP
I can give myself credit for ending racism when Obama couldn’t — Donald J. Trump: “the better emancipator than Lincoln!”
Cons:
The Nazis are not going to like me picking a Black VP (And Nick Fuentes is such a charming dinner guest — though if it means Steve Bannon doesn’t come around anymore and leave his stench that lingers on my furniture for days afterwards maybe it would be a worthwhile tradeoff?)
MAGA fans might accuse me of turning Woke — what if Ron DeSantis bans me from Florida?! I absolutely need those electoral votes since I’ve lost Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan!
He’s a little too Christian (They just give me the creeps. Mike Pence was so cringey about the God stuff. I can’t do another four years of that!)
He’s from South Carolina — after Jeff Sessions I vowed to have as few marble-mouth Southerners as possible
Ron DeSantis
Pros:
He was second place for most of the primary
He banned reading in Florida, so he won’t ever tattle on me for never reading security briefings
His wife is a 10 [Check if she needs any furniture shopping to do.]
He’s so weird and boring… I’ll look better and more normal when I’m standing next to him onstage
Cons:
He said some not so nice things about me in the primary — I wonder how much he’d grovel if I make him beg me for forgiveness. Would he willingly spend all day in the dog kennel like Ted, Lindsey, and Kevin all did? *REMINDER 1: Get kennel out for the next time Mike Johnson visits *REMINDER 2: Find out from backchannel connections through Russian cutouts to Putin what the House Freedom Caucus should do to delay and obstruct Ukraine further.
He’s really obsessed with Disney — I think Freud would say he’s got a conspicuous sexual hangup over Mickey Mouse (But I’m into Ivanka, so I suppose we all have our own idiosyncrasies)
I’ll always have to check his fingers for pudding smears before I shake his hand
I mean, is he just not capable of smiling or laughing like he’s not some weird robot from an alien planet observing humans for the very first time? (He’s not a reptilian, is he? REMINDER: Text Alex Jones to stalk Ron and find out if he’s a shapeshifter)
Kristi Noem
Pros:
Good looking, straight out of Central Casting
Her South Dakota story is a nice contrast with my Manhattan skyline story
Being governor of South Dakota, maybe she could help get me on Mt. Rushmore (Tell her to scratch off Lincoln — I deserve it more!)
Maybe she could convince all the Sturgis motorcycle bikers to help do the next coup if I lose another election
Cons:
She’s maybe too ambitious — I don’t like ambitious women (But she’s way better than “Nasty Nikki”)
Will I have to go to South Dakota? Yuck! Does Diet Coke even deliver out there? (And she loves motorcycles… riding one would ruin my hair, likely forever!)
She has crazy eyes — they’re way too bright when I’m binging hard on my Adderall sniffies
People say she had an affair with Corey Lewandowski — major ick!
Tulsi Gabbard
Pros:
My genius and sexual magnetism have made her renounce her former Democratic identity — great talking point!
I could do some locker room talk about her, if you know what I mean
She seems pretty laissez-faire with Putin and NATO and isolationism — she’ll be less likely to tattle on me for selling classified secrets to other countries in exchange for them hosting big events at Mar-a-Lago and my golf courses
Good on TV without being too good to upstage me
Cons:
She’s young enough to still be menstruating, and once a month turn into a nasty demon lady bleeding out of her wherever
She’s ideologically all over the place, and I have no idea what she really thinks about stuff — if she won’t commit to a political party, will she commit to me? (Maybe she’d make a good press secretary?!)
Ivanka will likely get jealous
Is she close enough to Putin she’d go behind my back and collude for herself? Definitely don’t want her getting her hands on the pee tape!
Tucker Carlson
Pros:
He’s even more pro-Putin and isolationist than me — he won’t bug me when I pull the US out of NATO and the United Nations
He was fired from Fox, and Putin just insulted him and his interviewing skills, so Tucker has really been knocked down a few pegs — he showed how submissive he is in the interview with Putin! — so he needs me more than I need him!
He has a huge audience of racists I need to keep engaged and enthusiastic if I’m going to beat Biden
He’s actually a filthy rich, nepo baby New Yorker so he’ll be easier to talk to and hang with (I’m sick of dealing with so many senators and representatives from shithole states like Louisiana, Alabama, Ohio, and West Virginia!)
Cons:
He may be better than me on TV
He’s kind of in danger of approaching “washed-up” status
His firing from Fox News was real fast and sudden, so his revealed text messages and emails from the voting machine lawsuits must have had some crazy shit in them — red flag?
He’s even more sociopathic than me — I could never trust him, and would have to spend the entire term looking over my shoulders
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