The Weirdest Things About Trump Revealed So Far In His Trials
The testimonial depositions of Trump’s underlings and co-conspirators have unearthed some very odd stories about him.
When Trump got COVID, he made Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham get it too so if they all died he’d have them to be his slaves in the afterlife.
In conversations with Evangelical Christian pastors, Trump regularly pronounced “Bible” like “bibble.”
Trump, apparently unaware of how tectonic plates and continental shelves work, asked the top general of the Marines if they could “swim under China” and then conduct a sneak attack from below.
Trump asked multiple times if he could sign his name on the Declaration of Independence with a Sharpie marker.
Trump used a homemade finger-lengthening contraption each morning for a half-hour to try and increase the appearance of his fingers.
Trump at various times accused China of bombing Pearl Harbor, claimed Christopher Columbus was our first president, and said that Abraham Lincoln could have ended the Civil War in one week by nuking the South.
Trump regularly pointed out to his military staffers that the top generals in Russia, North Korea, and Nazi Germany kill their Commander-in-Chiefs’ political enemies.
White House physicians had to sneak blood pressure pills into the Big Macs he ate for lunch because he refused to take them.
Trump instituted a “casual Friday” policy in the hope that his executive adviser Ivanka would “show more skin.”
When Melania would bake cookies for the White House staff and visiting diplomats, Trump would whisper in their ears, “Don’t eat those, I think she’s trying to poison me.”
Trump repeatedly tried to set up secret cameras in the Lincoln bedroom so he could invite top Republicans to stay the night and film them.
Trump had a lot of trouble understanding why Christians were against abortion because he was convinced it was Jesus in the Biblical parable who decided to cut the baby in half when two mothers were fighting over it.
Trump once told German Chancellor Angela Merkel at a G20 summit that she’d be much hotter if she lost 20 pounds, and she replied, in German, “You wear a bigger bra than me.”
Trump wanted to have a military parade, and ride along on top of America’s biggest nuclear missile.
When world leaders dined with Trump during official state visits, he loved to reach across the table and eat off their plates to “assert dominance.”
Trump once claimed Martin Luther King Jr. was his favorite president, so therefore he can’t be racist.
Trump did a photoshoot of himself riding shirtless on a horse like Putin did, but demanded the photographer delete all the photos because he claimed the horse made him look fat.
During a golf outing with Sean Hannity, he drove his cart into a pond hazard, came out soaking wet with his hair looking ridiculous, and demanded Sean Hannity give him some of his hair to cover the bald spot, which Hannity did with a Secret Service agent’s pocket knife.
Trump three times called the police about an intruder when he saw his Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson sitting at the table during his Cabinet meetings.
Trump was catfished by the North Korean intelligence service in early 2018 when a North Korean general posing as a 17-year-old aspiring supermodel convinced Trump to send several compromising sexts.
During the lunch meeting in which Mike Pence told Trump he refused to decertify the election, Trump grabbed the Bible that Pence gifted him as an inauguration gift and threw it into the burning fireplace.
Trump thought Fox News’s “War on Christmas” was a real war, and demanded the military’s generals explain why it was taking so long to defeat a “bunch of gay little elves.”
Trump had the Taliban, as part of their US withdrawal deal, give Ivanka several exclusive trademarks on Ivanka-branded burqas, beheading swords, and suicide jackets.
Almost every time Trump’s military advisers told him something he wanted to do was immoral or illegal, Trump would yell back “Well, Hitler’s generals did it for HIM!”
Trump made Lindsey Graham eat three plates of lasagna, and then throw up in Ted Cruz’s open mouth in exchange for endorsing each of them in 2018.
He has a tattoo of his own signature on his mons pubis.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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