Things That Are Likely In Matt Gaetz's Ethics Report

And this week's other Dada News headlines!

Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

This week’s Dada News headlines from The Halfway Post:

• Mike Johnson reportedly threw up while reading the ethics report into Matt Gaetz’s misconduct.

• Matt Gaetz keeps screaming “allegedly” every time someone calls him a pedophile.

• Russian state media companies are trolling Trump’s pick of Matt Gaetz for Attorney General by suggesting underage American girls move to Russia for protection from predators.

• Trump accidentally said on a hot mic that his folder of blackmail on Matt Gaetz was the thickest folder of everyone in Congress.

• A House Ethics Committee member just accidentally spilled the 60-page sexual misconduct report against Matt Gaetz out of his briefcase in the CNN lobby.

• Jim Jordan says he didn’t see any of the sex trafficking Matt Gaetz did, and no one told him anything about it, and if anyone says they did they’re lying.

• Matt Gaetz says no one wants his ethics report to be released publicly more than him, but “rules are rules.”

• Donald Trump reportedly made J.D. Vance do a blood oath vow to him last night that Vance will never initiate a 25th Amendment coup against him.

• Merrick Garland says Trump’s election is a shame because he was on track to have finished Trump’s criminal investigations by 2027.

• Jack Smith reportedly just “accidentally dropped his briefcase” in the lobby of CNN spilling out all the incriminating evidence against Donald Trump.

• JD Vance has reportedly asked Trump three times today what couch he’s going to get for the Oval Office.

• Trump says he will be less focused on physical appearances for his second term, and will even give ugly women some jobs.

• The military is reportedly actively having meetings about how to deal with Donald Trump’s infamous body odor.

• Trump is reportedly upset that Stephen Miller looks so creepy and won’t get a wig.

• The ethics report on Matt Gaetz reportedly includes a paragraph that he had sex at a drug party with a goat, but we’ll never know for sure if that’s false until the report is revealed.

• A televangelist in Arkansas claims Trump’s reelection means Taylor Swift will no longer be able to “brainwash an army of young women and girls into feminist freedom fighters to conquer the US, enslave all the men, and peg them.”

• Elon Musk says he won’t run the second Trump Administration into the ground like he did Twitter.

• Project 2025 calls for legalizing child labor in all 50 states to replace the 10 million undocumented laborers Trump will deport, and will offer special tax credits to any parents who let their kids work in coal mines, oil rigs, logging, or the military.

• During a transition meeting this morning Donald Trump reportedly spent six minutes talking about how he wanted the Air Force to destroy wind turbines across the nation, and he vowed to use the US Navy to “declare war against sharks.”

• Several dozen men in Pennsylvania founded an “incel support group” because their wives divorced them after they voted for Donald Trump a third time.

• There’s a new reality show being developed called “Republican City” that will have contestants live for a year in a town where everyone is armed, there’s no minimum wage or healthcare, pollution and child labor are allowed, and women’s rights revert to the 1850s.

• The Charles Darwin Awards just named Gulf state Republicans as their 2024 winner for obstructing all efforts to combat climate change for the last 30 years.

• Elon Musk is reportedly getting frustrated that Donald Trump won’t read anything ahead of transition team meetings.

• The ethics report on Matt Gaetz reportedly includes a paragraph that he had to go to the hospital after one drug-fueled party to remove a 12-inch fist dildo that had got stuck up his butt, but we’ll never know for sure if that’s false until the report is released.

• Musk is reportedly upset to find out that the rumors about Trump’s body odor are true.

• Musk is reportedly frustrated that Trump keeps turning on Fox News during their staffing meetings and shushing him to hear what they’re saying about him.

•  Trump reportedly told Elon Musk this morning, “No one knows more about rockets and electric cars than me.”

• Trump reportedly had Musk stop a staffing meeting this morning to listen to his music playlist for 29 minutes.

• Nine male GOP members of Congress have been given divorce papers by their wives since Donald Trump was reelected.

• Trump has reportedly rescinded his nomination of Marco Rubio for Secretary of State after finding out that Rubio HASN’T sexually assaulted anyone.

• QAnon has turned against Trump, and says he cannot abide Trump appointing so many sex offenders.

• NASA just confirmed that the James Webb Space Telescope has finished scanning the entire visible cosmos and can confidently confirm that Donald Trump is still the whiniest little bitch in the entire universe.

• The ethics report on Matt Gaetz reportedly details that he snorted so much erectile dysfunction medicine at one 2017 party that his penis “turned inside out” and he had to go to the hospital, but we won’t know if it’s real or not unless the report is released. 🥃

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