Things Trump Has Stained With Ketchup Other Than The White House Walls
Celebrate the 4th of July by laughing at Donald Trump's expense!
The following are all objects, foods, and people on which Donald Trump has indulged himself smearing with ketchup at one moment or another:
Every wall in the White House
Every wall in Mar-a-Lago
Virtually every square inch of his childhood bedroom
The Secret Service agent who refused to drive him to Congress to join the January 6th insurrection coup
The White House lawyers who took his cell phone away on January 6th so he couldn’t tweet out “I demand the hanging of Mike Pence #MAGA”
Well-done steak
Well-done hotdogs
Well-done salmon filets
Well-done sushi stuffed with cream cheese after it was deep-fried in tempura batter.
Caesar salads
Eric and Don Jr. on a weekly basis to show them very graphically he wishes he had aborted them
Sunburned skin to revitalize and nourish the damaged cells
On hot summer days he’ll put a bottle of ketchup in the freezer and when it’s cold he’ll smear it all over his naked body to cool off
His bald head to stimulate hair growth
In his nostrils to pretend he had a bloody nose to get out of gym class in middle school and high school because the pull-up bar was “rigged against him”
The official White House portrait of Barack Obama
One of the original manuscript copies of the US Constitution
Mike Pence’s Bible one day when Trump got fed up after Pence kept trying to read Jesus quotes out loud
Kevin McCarthy every time he comes to Mar-a-Lago and begs for forgiveness when a recorded call gets leaked showing McCarthy was calling for Trump’s impeachment after January 6th
He makes ketchup facial masks at night
Every shirt and pair of pants he has ever owned
Russian hookers
A lot of pornography magazines through the 70s and 80s
Any New York Times newspaper page that showed polls suggesting his GOP primary opponents, Hillary Clinton, or Joe Biden would beat him in an election
The television screen when Don Lemon’s CNN show comes on
The television screen any time Megyn Kelly, when she worked at Fox, was on the screen, and he’d smear the ketchup over her crotch to simulate Kelly “bleeding from her wherever” and then he’d clap his little hands together dancing around the room shouting “Nasty woman! Nasty woman!”
He lost his virginity to a bottle of ketchup in 1954. His dad caught him doing it once, and he shouted “It’s not what it looks like, although it is what it tastes like!”
He has asked all his wives to wear a “ketchup bikini,” but none of them ever have
His daughter Ivanka (from ages 6 months to 15 years old and then 23 years old to 27 years old) for various, unconfirmed reasons
Jared Kushner, in an elaborate and very confusing ceremony to welcome him into the Trump family
Once a month he requested White House staffers fill his bathtub with 1,000 bottles of ketchup to take a bath in
When he comes home from particularly stressful days he likes to soak his feet in a bucket of chilled ketchup while listening to The Art of the Deal on audiotape while Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Matt Gaetz, or some other brown-noser massages his shoulders and feeds him McDonalds’ French fries one at a time dipping them into the ketchup first
Jeff Sessions’s face for not ending the Mueller Investigation
Bill Barr for not saying the election was rigged
After John McCain died, and his casket was being ceremonially displayed in the Capitol Rotunda, Trump went to “pay his respects” to McCain, but opened up the casket and sprayed some ketchup on his face
When he was president he had occasional dreams of Angela Merkel giving him a whole body massage using ketchup in lieu of oil.
The following desserts: jello, chocolate pudding, vanilla ice cream, and birthday cake
In his nostrils to pretend he has a bloody nose to get out of listening to the daily presidential briefings
Links to other comedic articles I’ve published on Medium:
Awful Things Trump Has Said About Our Other Presidents
Trump Fans Say Democracy Has Gone On Long Enough
Trump’s White House Chef Just Published A Tell-All Book About His Eating Habits
Biologists Just Named A New Monkey Species That Pee On Each Other After Donald Trump
A Newly Discovered STD Was Just Named After Donald Trump
Donald Trump Is Suing His Grandchildren For Breaching Their Non-Disclosure Agreements
Thanks for your eyeball attention!
-Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with graffiti news and Dada humor, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio.