This Year's Top Christmas Toy For Christians Is "Fetus Dolls"

Credit: xersti | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

There’s a new trend for girls in Christian families, and it’s a novel take on the classic doll toy: Fetus Dolls™.

The recently released doll toy created by God Fearing Toys & Games, Inc. is designed in the shape of a fetus, and a marketing slogan says it allows Christian girls “to imagine they have their very own gestating fetuses they can protect from evil, liberal Democrats who want to abort them and drink their blood.”

The Fetus Dolls™ come in a spherical womb-like holder, and have a button on the holder’s base that makes the Fetus Doll™ appear to talk when pressed. There are four phrases programmed in this first edition of the toy:

• “Abortion is murder”

• “Hell lasts forever”

• “God sees everything you do, and knows everything you think”

• “Sex before marriage burns your privates, and turns you blind and infertile… if it doesn’t kill you!”

The dolls are not very interactive beyond the recorded messages, and the packaging states that the dolls’ intended use is not so much for play as much as a daily reminder for little girls that abortion is a sin deserving an automatic Hell sentence. Inside the Fetus Dolls’™ bodies are ink cartridges primed to explode in all directions if an attempt is made to remove the fetus from its plastic womb, and a speaker that will blare a loud police siren with scream sound effects to simulate the torment, pain and suffering experienced in the fires of Hell.

“It’s never too early to instill in your children a memorably terrifying fear of God’s omnipotent but loving and compassionate fury,” said Fetus Dolls™ creator John Ranker. “We believe this toy is a perfect Christian gift for any little girls above the age of three. It’s like an Elf on the Shelf, but for potential future sluts.”

The Fetus Dolls™ have gone viral thanks to product placement advertising deals with various televangelists, and testimonials from them printed on the packaging of the boxes they are sold in that include quotes such as, “Thanks to Fetus Dolls™, your little princess can be traumatized by sex way before puberty gives Satan a chance to sneak into her clitoris and whisper the insidious deceit that women can enjoy sex for non-procreative purposes!”

The toy’s TV commercial features a cartoonishly demonic looking Nancy Pelosi with vampire teeth sucking the blood of several babies before a little girl holding a crucifix and a Fetus Doll™ tells Pelosi her baby eating days are over. Then the crucifix glows gold and Pelosi shrieks before exploding into bats that fly away.

The first shipment of 10,000 Fetus Dolls™ was sold out in only one week, though, unfortunately, there was a slight mechanical production error that left defects in the ink cartridges of about 500 dolls, which had to be removed with coat hangers and recycled while the dolls were thrown in a dumpster. 🥃

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