Trump Banned Rudy Giuliani From Mar-a-Lago For Being Broke
The Halfway Post’s top Dada news headlines of December!
Donald Trump has reportedly banned Rudy Giuliani from Mar-a-Lago because Rudy can’t make the membership payments anymore.
Ivanka Trump reportedly told her father that he needed to stop all his talk of vengeance and vowing to become a dictator because it was making things real awkward for her in the NYC socialite scene she was finally buying her way back into with Jared’s Saudi blood money.
Don Jr., Ivanka, Eric, and Barron are all reportedly upset with Donald Trump for saying immigrants are “poisoning the blood of America” because their moms were immigrants.
Mike Lindell says that at exactly midnight on New Year’s Eve he’s finally going to reveal his evidence the 2020 election was rigged.
At the Mar-a-Lago Christmas party Donald Trump made a group of children cry by telling them that Joe Biden was going to kill Santa Claus if he stole the election from him again.
QAnon has turned on Melania Trump claiming her narrow eyes give her away as a reptilian shapeshifter, and says Donald deserves a newer, younger wife for his next term as president.
Twenty-six seconds after Donald Trump told a Newsmax host that “no president ever did more for Christmas” than him, he was asked what he got his son Barron, and he said “One of my people mailed him a big, beautiful card I think.”
Donald Trump just told Fox News that he hopes “the Blacks” remember that no president ever did more for Kwanzaa than him.
To celebrate Christmas and unify the country, Joe Biden has offered to pardon Donald Trump for one of his 91 criminal charges.
Donald Trump reportedly hasn’t seen or heard from Melania since August.
After a judge asked Trump if presidential immunity also applied to Joe Biden, Trump said “No.”
Vivek Ramaswamy is reportedly worried Donald Trump won’t give him a cabinet position because he’s from an immigrant family, and his presidential campaigning has made everyone hate him for nothing.
A new viral TikTok trend is called “Deprogramming 2024,” and involves kids going on their conservative parents’ social media accounts and unfollowing all the political content that keeps them debilitatingly enraged, conspiratorial, and racist.
Eric Trump just announced that in honor of January 6th he will be offering a $6 discount for all children’s cancer charities that book an event at a Trump property in the next two weeks.
A viral TikTok video uploaded by GOP Senator Ralph Massey’s kids features them opening their Christmas presents and then screaming at him, “How many times do we have to tell you we don’t want guns? Stop getting us guns for Christmas, you psycho!”
Jack Smith reportedly has evidence Donald Trump ate some classified documents, and passed them through his GI tract with other fecal matter into diapers the FBI found in the trash during their raid of Mar-a-Lago.
The Melania who celebrated Christmas at Mar-a-Lago with Donald Trump had no accent.
House Republicans just announced they’re canceling the Biden impeachment inquiry because Trump’s legal defense depends on presidential immunity.
Before the list of Jeffrey Epstein associates has even been revealed, Donald Trump is calling it “fake news.”
Donald Trump is reportedly threatening to sue Brett Kavanaugh, Neil Gorsuch, and Amy Coney Barrett if they don’t vote to give him presidential immunity after he appointed them to the Supreme Court.
Ivanka Trump reportedly just asked her father, “Daddy, are you going to be on Jeffrey Epstein’s list that’s about to be revealed?”
Donald Trump says he will reveal his “totally innocent reason” why he’s on Jeffrey Epstein’s soon to be revealed list of associates “in two weeks.”
CHRISTMAS MIRACLE: Only 2 GOP House members accidentally shot themselves this year photographing their families’ Christmas cards where everyone is holding guns.
Donald Trump is reportedly furious that Ivanka and Jared’s trip to Israel is going to hurt his poll numbers with Nazis.
Clarence Thomas says he’ll recuse himself from the Supreme Court decision on whether or not to ban Donald Trump from the ballot for being an insurrectionist if Democrats buy him a new RV.
Donald Trump admits he “accidentally helped poison the blood of America” by having kids with Ivana and Melania.
Rudy Giuliani is reportedly planning to fake his own death to avoid the nearly $150 million he owes Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss.
MAGA fans across the country are scrambling to come up with preemptive excuses for why Donald Trump’s name is going to be on the Epstein’s list.
Joe Biden just announced in a press conference, “Russia, if you’re listening, release Trump’s pee tape!”
A group of MAGA fans in Idaho just started a hunger strike they vow to continue until Joe Biden pardons Donald Trump.
Donald Trump’s lawyers just nervously called him and asked, “That lost binder of top-secret Russian intel was just an accident, right? You or Mark Meadows just accidentally held onto it, right? You didn’t sell or give it to Putin, right? Right? RIGHT?!”
A new report on Fox News’s sexual harassment lawsuits finds that over 50 women have become multi-millionaires from successfully suing and settling with ghoulish Fox producers and show hosts.
Donald Trump says he will host a “Global Freedom, Respect for Human Rights, and Democracy Summit” in the US if he’s reelected, and invite Vladimir Putin, Victor Orban, Benjamin Netanyahu, and Kim Jong Un to speak.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
My prose poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available in print and on Kindle now. If you like the themes, attitude, and humor of my satirical work, you’ll like my poetry as well!
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youtu.be/QrMQHN0lNcw?si=U3TfMwWHNJ_JUd1l Hello, just don’t think that I’m mocking history. . .