Trump Is Reportedly Thinking About Faking A Coma To Get Out Of Attending All His Trials
Trump has reportedly been asking staffers if they remember how much attention Kim Jong Un got during his coma scare back in 2020.
President Donald Trump has reportedly been reacting poorly to the bad news regarding his extreme unfavorability in opinions polls, his multiple criminal investigations, his several criminal indictments, and the reality that he will be spending most of next year sitting in courtrooms for his various trials.
However, Mr. Trump has reportedly been asking friends and staffers if they remember how much global attention North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un got during his coma scare back in 2020, and if they think he’d get that much attention if he faked having a coma.
“This coma idea has really been on Trump’s mind for several weeks now as a way to change the subject from his unprecedented legal problems,” said a current Trump staffer, who requested anonymity to discuss the former president’s thinking. “Back when Kim had his coma scare, it really frightened Trump. He was borderline heartbroken when Kim stopped replying to his letters, and got really paranoid and jealous that Kim might have found another authoritarian-minded leader of a democracy to flirt with. Don’t forget that Trump referred to Kim many times as his lover, and, though it sounds weird and creepy, it was kind of true. They still write surprisingly long and romantic letters to each other weekly, and they sext each other probably every other day giving each other cute rocket and nuclear-related nicknames. Trump calls Kim Jong Un ‘My Little Rocket Man’ or ‘My Big Rocket Man’ depending on how erect Kim is in his selfies, and Kim endearingly calls Trump ‘My Mushroom Cloud’ in reference to his pee-pee and yeti pubes. They send each other fun little puns with each sext, and caption their nudes with comments about whose nuclear missiles is bigger. And by nuclear missile they mean… well, you know.”
But as soon as Trump found out the reports of Kim’s health and possible impending death were overblown, he started thinking about staging a manufactured health scare of his own.
“Trump was very impressed with all the media attention Kim got globally,” explained the Trump staffer. “The question of whether or not Kim was really dead or in a vegetative coma was a hot topic for weeks, and Trump is interested in trying it out for himself. He loves the idea of using it as an excuse to get out of having to physically attend all his upcoming trials. He soured a bit on the idea, though, when he realized he’d have to stop posting insults against all the judges, juries, and prosecutors in his criminal trials on Truth Social for several weeks while pretending to be comatose. Then the realization that his primary opponents would probably surge in the polls over worries of his health made him sour a bit more on the idea. He’s been asking a bunch of Mar-a-Lago members if being in a coma would be a deal-breaker for them, and gotten some mixed reviews. Many, of course, will support him no matter what, but others pointed out that his perceived health and strength are a big advantage over Joe Biden with moderate and low-information voters, even though he’s only three years younger than Biden. But the Adderall, twenty cans of Diet Coke each day, orange foundation makeup, and the bottomless pit of demonic energy he gets obsessing every waking second over exacting fury and revenge on all the Democrats, Republicans, and American voters who let him lose to Biden in 2020 sure makes him seem a little more active and spry than Biden, doesn’t it? But lately he’s been debating whether or not his poll numbers would go up out of sympathy if he told the media he had cancer. Stephen Miller liked the idea because Biden has funded so much cancer research throughout his presidency, and given speeches about a ‘Cancer Moonshot,’ and Trump faking a cancer scare would make Biden look bad for not stopping cancer yet. However, when Miller suggested Trump shave off all his hair to pretend he was going through chemo, Trump immediately started screaming, ‘No, not my beautiful, precious, totally real and natural hair… anything but that!’ which pretty much killed that idea. So Trump is back to focusing on how to fake a coma scare without hurting his primary poll numbers in Iowa or New Hampshire.”
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