Trump's Illiterate, Imbecilic Agenda

This is the MAGA framework for Trumpism if Republicans were honest.

Photo by Srikanta H. U on Unsplash

We believe in the Constitution as our founding document, not as a flexible document, but as our enduring covenant. Unless Donald Trump wants to tear it up, declare himself above the law, and start committing any number of consecutive crimes while arguing he’s unindictable because he’s president and can do endless crimes and pardon himself perpetually.

…Unless Trump decides he wants to keep the Constitution, in which case, yeah, we love it and wouldn’t change a single word. Yay originalism!

Our last three GOP presidents ballooned the debt by cutting taxes and not cutting spending at all, but we promise Trump’s next term really will, finally, cut the debt with giant tax cuts. It’ll go down to zero so fast you won’t believe it. But if it doesn’t, it’ll be Democrats’ fault.

…And Democrats’ problem the next time they win the White House and we Republicans start caring about the debt again.

The climate is pummeling us, but we’re not going to do anything about it because… China or something, I don’t know—look, we’ve been saying it for decades that we’re just not going to do anything about it. The climate is all out of whack, but we all knew this was going to happen once we started letting the gays get married. We warned the liberals a thousand times God would get mad and send down a bunch of plagues, hurricanes, forest fires, and other natural disasters in retribution, and now the Democrats and gays are getting what they’ve been asking for. We Republicans wash our hands of this!

A lot of kids being shot up in schools every year is the price of freedom. And murdered ex-wives and ex-girlfriends. And kids grabbing irresponsibly stored guns, and shooting each other. And you can no longer expect to go to a grocery store, movie theater, music concert, church, or anywhere else safely. If you don’t have a gun already, you should probably go buy one ASAP. You’re going to want one on you since everyone else will have one.

(P.S.: Don’t mention this to any Black people. We really just want whites to have the guns, so try not to show them off too much to the ethnic or religious minorities.)

Slavery wasn’t ALL bad for slaves. They learned valuable skills, got free admittance into America, and could work worry-free without having to bother with any of the heavy burdens, mental challenges, and stresses of owning a plantation. Patrician, antebellum plantation owners were the economic heroes and job creators of their day, and they are unfairly maligned today because of all the class warfare socialists are perpetrating. Democrats are burying their heads in the sand when they won’t admit that some good things came out of slavery. And we’re not racist for being pedantic sticklers by pointing out that slaves were eventually paid the greatest possible gift in the world: American citizenship… we Republicans are just big history buffs!

Women are baby-making vessels that belong to the state for the express purpose of birthing enough babies to someday let America’s population overtake the population of India and China. It’s a geopolitical reality that abortion helps Asia stay ahead of us. It’s not that we want women to die from preventable pregnancy complications, it’s just that maybe that’s what God wants if He, in His grand master plan for the universe, saw fit to give them ectopic pregnancies. And women should respect God’s will by acknowledging that rape and incest babies are miracles.

That’s a little icky, we know, but we’re just going to ban all abortions and hope women’s bodies really do have some biological mechanism to prevent or terminate unwanted pregnancies like some of our losing Congressional candidates have suggested in recent years. Maybe women should just start praying more if they don’t like it?

We must save masculinity. America’s young men are addicted to video games, pornography, the Devil’s Lettuce, TikTok, and in danger of becoming incels. Liberalism and its Woke feminists are ruining women and society by brainwashing girls to turn away from and be disgusted by conservative values. They don’t want to date, or even be around Republican men. The way women are trending away from the Republican Party is a wakeup call for the GOP that we conservative men must put away the video game controllers, bongs, porn, and social media distractions, and really commit ourselves to Evangelical fundamentalism so we can force women to give up on all these dangerous and heathen ideas of gender equality, return them to their rightful place in the social hierarchy below their husbands, and stop them from politically allying with the ethnic minorities to elect Democrats to continue stealing representational power stolen from white Christian men, who God has intended to lead America.

Repeal Obamacare because f*** the uninsurable. It’s been so long we don’t even remember why we wanted to repeal Obamacare’s moderate regulations everyone now just casually accepts as rational and normal, but we’re still bitter we didn’t get to accomplish our goal of making him a one-term president.

Our replacement plan is TBD, but you’re going to love it. And it will be cheaper. And cover more people. And all the other stuff Trump has claimed. We’re still working it out, and we have concepts of a deal, but the actual replacement plan is much less important than freeing America from the bondage that is Obamacare. The government option for health care is costing our insurance executive donors way too much money.

America First. Then Russia Second (we’ll withdraw support for Ukraine). Then Saudi Arabia Third because Mohammed bin Salman leads the kind of strong, authoritarian government we’d like to see here in America. Israel fourth, but not the real Jew-y Jews or globalists, just the Jews who support a strong Israel that will maintain Israeli sovereignty long enough for Jesus to come back and begin the Rapture and precipitate all the Biblical prophecies as foretold by the Book of Revelations that will unfortunately kill most of the Jews.

…Until Democrats win another election, in which case f*** America, we’re seceding again, and starting a new civil war for the right of Donald Trump to become dictator-for-life as he initiates a hereditary monarchy (Eric excluded from the line of succession).

Bring back child labor. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a visionary governor, and we want to see American families adopt more of an Arkansas aesthetic. Plus, since she legalized child labor again, coal mines are so much more efficient and profitable when you only have to drill and dynamite tunnels big enough for children, instead of full-size adults. That’s the kind of economic vitality and cost-savings we need to institute across all of America. The MAGA movement wants more of America to look and feel like rural Arkansas.

End the minimum wage, Social Security, Medicare, food stamps, and the rest of what few safety nets America has compared to democratic socialism elsewhere. If the US wants to turn our billionaires into trillionaires, we need to cut taxes and starve the government, and probably a lot of the people.

Ban books, defund libraries, defund universities, kill public schools, erase evolution and climate change from science class, whitewash history class, and no sex education anymore. We can’t figure out why, but education correlates with liberal politics, so critical thinking must somehow be rigged against conservatives. We want more of the poorly educated Donald Trump loves so much, and less of the college-educated who voted for Kamala Harris!

Let’s omit the following subjects in history classes: slavery, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights era, the Harlem Renaissance, etc. Let’s just skip ahead from the 1790s when Washington takes over to World War 2 when we won, and then skip right to Reagan in the 80s, and then skip again to Donald Trump coming down his escalator in 2015. That’s all the history that freedom-loving American patriots need to know.

Oops, is that ANOTHER Nazi we just invited to our political conference and had dinner with afterwards? Our bad! 🥃

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