Trump's New Bible Confuses Jesus With Other Mythical Characters

Trump's favorite Jesus stories are actually about Noah, Odysseus, Theseus, Hercules, Prometheus, Caesar, and Lot.

Photo by Arturo Rey on Unsplash

Donald Trump’s new Bible has an introduction in which Trump explains his favorite stories about Jesus. There is a slight issue, however, because many of the adventures Trump says he’s most thankful to Jesus for accomplishing were not actually achieved by Jesus:

The Ark

“A lot of people don’t know this, but Jesus was a great boatbuilder. Maybe the best boatbuilder of all time. His Ark was just incredible, especially at that time. A lot of people had no idea arks could be so great. The way he sailed the Jewish people out of Egypt to the Promised Land of Sodomy and Gonorrhea during the Great Flood showed such intelligence and courage. He must have had a big brain. Sometimes I wonder how the brains of the Trump family compare to the big brains of the Christ family. The doctor told my mother when I was born, ‘Ma’am, your baby has the biggest brain I’ve ever seen!’ He couldn’t believe it. He told me, with tears in his eyes, “Sir, you are the biggest brained baby maybe of all time. I wonder if baby Jesus’s doctor said the same thing to Mrs. Christ. In a way, building arks is kind of like building big, beautiful casinos. I could build a big, beautiful ark. No one knows more about arks than me. Except maybe Jesus.”

The Trojan War

“The Trojan War was one of the greats, wasn’t it? It’s right up there with the other great American wars, like World War 2, the Civil War, the War of… and all the other big, beautiful wars. Back when America won its wars. The generals used to tell me, ‘Sir, if only you had been president back then, we’d have won the Trojan War so much faster!’ Jesus was a good general, though. His idea to build the wooden horse was so smart. And then he snuck out and opened the gate so America could walk right in. A lot of people don’t know this, but after the war Jesus had a lot of trouble getting back home to Bethlehem. Jesus got lost at sea, fought a cyclops, and sirens turned the Twelve Disciples into pigs!”

The Battle Against the Minotaur

“Jesus defeated so many evil, nasty monsters for mankind. You wouldn’t believe how dangerous the world was before Jesus came around. And it wasn’t easy. No one could do what Jesus did. Only the true savior of mankind could get through the labyrinth without getting eaten by the Minotaur. People say my victory over Crooked Hillary’s cheated popular vote majority reminds them of Jesus navigating King Midas’s maze. Winning Wisconsin when everyone said I couldn’t was like Jesus finding the Golden Fleece when everyone said it was impossible!”

Defeating Medusa

“Having to deal with Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, and Megyn Kelly makes me know exactly how Jesus felt dealing with Medusa. Those are the four nastiest women of all time. Fortunately for Jesus, he only had to fight one of them! I had to fight the other three! After seeing how much blood was coming out of Megyn Kelly’s wherever on that Fox News debate stage when she was so mean to me, and so vicious like no one has ever been vicious before, I’d rather take my chances with Medusa and all her snakes than have to answer another nasty question from bloody Megyn Kelly!”

The Eagle

“Jesus had a lot of mean people do bad things to him, which I totally relate to. People tell me all the time, ‘Sir, we can’t believe how unfair you’ve been treated your entire life! It’s like Jesus the way the fake news media crucifies you every day with lies!’ I bet Jesus on the Cross was relieved he’d never have to face what I face. I hate comparing myself to Jesus, but I’m not sure Jesus could have handled how the fake news attacks me every day. The radical Leftists who attack me might be worse than Jesus being hung up on the cross, and the eagle with razor-sharp talons coming every day to tear open his chest and eat his organs for eternity for our sins. And as a punishment from God for giving us the gift of fire. And for turning water into wine. And for curing all the leopards of the diseases I guess cats back in the Bible days used to get because you’re always hearing about Jesus curing the leopards.”

The Ides of March

“I think the greatest tragedy, maybe of all time, was when Jesus was stabbed by the Senators after all he did for the Roman people. I tear up every time I think of Jesus on the floor of the Roman Senate whispering with his last breaths to his trusted Disciple, ‘Et tu, Judas?’ It reminds me of how Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger betrayed me by not finding the 11,780 votes I needed to beat Joe Biden in Georgia. I maybe even had it worse than Jesus, because Jesus didn’t have any evil socialist Democrats to steal the election for Messiah from him! His election was fair and square, and Mark Antony didn’t rig the vote. Jesus never had an election stolen like mine was. I wish I could trade places with Jesus. His political enemies didn’t do two totally unfair impeachments, or make up a Carthaginian collusion scandal!”

The Daughter Seduction of Lot

“Hey, Ivanka, if you’re listening, look up Genesis 19:34. Wink, wink!” 🥃

---

☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!

But first subscribe to my free Substack The Halfway Café to get my work delivered right to your inbox. In this second Trumpian era of surrealist governance, nothing is more important than comedy, so consider becoming a paid member to help me write jokes about Trump, Elon Musk, and the GOP full-time!

Check out my Linktree for all my digital branches, but definitely follow The Halfway Post on Twitter, Threads, or Bluesky to interrupt your daily political doomscrolling with my Dada News.

If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I also have two poetry books full of Millennial existentialism, Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.

Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.