Tucker Carlson Unveiled His 2nd Generation “Tucker’s Testes” Testicle-Tanning Machine
And other Dada news headlines from this month!
Tucker Carlson claimed on his podcast that Joe Biden and Barack Obama were lovers, and then cut to a commercial break that advertised the second generation of his trademarked “Tucker’s Testes” testicle-tanning machines.
Lauren Boebert says her boyfriend flashed another woman in exchange for finding out that Marjorie Taylor Greene is the one who leaked the news of Kristi Noem’s years-long affair with Corey Lewandowski, and that this was the first warning shot in the battle to become Trump’s VP pick.
In another campaign shakeup due to plummeting poll numbers and financial support, Ron DeSantis just fired his pudding supplier, and will now be using his three fingers for scooping out Jell-O cups.
Lauren Boebert reportedly has had several complaints filed against her for vaping when she stops to talk to elementary school Capitol field trip tours, and blowing the smoke in the kids’ faces.
Donald Trump is reportedly depressed, jealous, and moping around Mar-a-Lago because Kim Jong Un met with Vladimir Putin, and they really hit it off and signed a tremendous deal together.
Donald Trump is reportedly telling friends and staffers, “Because of the witch hunts against me I may have to continue running for president from Russia for a bit.”
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito says he wants a new billionaire patron after reading how many millions of dollars Clarence Thomas’s billionaire patron has spent on him.
One of Donald Trump’s lawyers drunkenly called The Halfway Post, and revealed that Trump’s cases are hopeless because he is attempting so much witness tampering that it’s only a matter of time before even Judge Aileen Cannon is going to have to lock him up pre-trial.
Donald Trump claims the climate was totally normal when he was president, and finds it suspicious how America sure seems to be having a lot of natural disasters only since Biden took over.
Mitch McConnell is now going everywhere in the Senate with a leashed therapy turtle.
Donald Trump’s lawyers are reportedly thinking about having Trump take an IQ test so that, when he scores very low, they can claim in court that he really is an idiot, and genuinely had no idea keeping all those classified documents was against the law.
Donald Trump is upset with Vladimir Putin’s blossoming friendship with Kim Jong Un, and is now reportedly considering supporting Ukraine if Putin makes any more tremendous deals with Kim.
Donald Trump has postponed his Mar-a-Lago group bike ride he claimed would prove he’s in better shape than Joe Biden until two weeks from now.
Donald Trump Jr. and Eric are reportedly furious after seeing Trump Organization financial records that show Ivanka gets paid more than double their salaries.
Rudy Giuliani claims he has bedded over 300 women.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito says that the Dobbs decision ending Roe V Wade was never intended to create landslide elections for Democrats, so now he wants to change his vote, reinstate Roe, and prevent Republicans from losing any other elections.
Mike Lindell is beginning to worry that people no longer take him seriously.
The most recent of Donald Trump’s lawyers to quit claims it’s impossible to get him to focus on his trials, and all of Trump’s ideas for his defense involve witness intimidation, obstruction of justice, and bribery.
Mitch McConnell admitted he prays to a turtle god named the Ur-Turtle.
Joe Biden says he’s going to win the next election by a landslide because in September 2024 he’s going to have Dr. Fauci hold a press conference and tell Americans not to drink bleach.
The Secret Service admitted Donald Trump’s code name while president was “Hamburgular.”
After momentarily freezing up during a GOP Senate caucus luncheon, Mitch McConnell announced to the senators that Donald Trump mailed a dead turtle to his house after January 6th to intimidate him into not letting GOP senators convict Trump in the second impeachment trial.
Donald Trump just called in to Fox & Friends and claimed he really weighs 205 lbs, but he added ten pounds to be humble.
Trump reportedly had the Georgia jailhouse mugshot photographer take 37 photos of him until he liked one.
Georgia officials say they had trouble fingerprinting Donald Trump because of how much fried chicken grease and ketchup was smeared on his fingers.
Melania Trump reportedly bet $1 million in the oddsmakers bet that Donald Trump’s weight will be over 300 pounds when he’s arrested in Atlanta.
After Saudi Arabia gave Jared and Ivanka $2 billion, Eric Trump complained about the unfairness until Mohammed bin Salman gave him $50.
BREAKING: A local MAGA fan is reportedly starting to worry Donald Trump might actually be a criminal.
Ron DeSantis just started a campaign event in Iowa by reading 10 jokes from a notecard intended to make him seem likeable, but all the jokes were about killing animals.
RNC Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel says Donald Trump calls her every morning threatening to start his own political party if she doesn’t pay for his lunch.
Judge Tanya Chutkan says if Trump posts one more time about any of his trials, she’ll remove all the Diet Coke from her courtroom vending machines.
Kamala Harris says if Republicans really believe that conspiring with fake electors isn’t a crime, then she’s ready to have fake electors in every state and give Biden a unanimous Electoral College victory.
Jack Smith says he’s willing to make Donald Trump a SCIF to read the classified evidence against him only inside a Palm Beach prison cell.
Now that Donald Trump is a sex offender following his loss in E. Jean Carroll’s lawsuit, he won’t be able to vote for himself in person because his polling place is at a school.
Donald Trump just removed the life-size sculpture of Ivanka wearing a bikini from the pool area at Mar-a-Lago, fueling rumors that he knows Ivanka flipped on him and will testify against him in Jack Smith’s upcoming trial.
Disney World just announced they officially annulled Ron DeSantis’s marriage because he got married there, and they invalidated his marriage license.
A group of MAGA fans in rural Georgia have begun a hunger strike they say will last until they die or Jack Smith drops all charges and apologizes to Donald Trump for the presidential harassment.
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
Follow me on Twitter at @HalfwayPost and Threads to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio. My new poetry book, Cabaret No Stare, is available now.
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