What A Hilariously Bad Week For Donald Trump And Elon Musk
Headlines about Trump and Musk I can’t prove, but we just know they’re true.
Donald Trump is threatening the DOJ that if they indict him, he’s going to make millions of his followers commit suicide with him.
The Proud Boys are all getting matching tattoos of swastikas on their taints for some reason.
A new poll found that nearly 8% of white Evangelicals stopped believing in God after Donald Trump lost the 2020 election.
If Elon Musk wants to save money on Twitter, why doesn’t he cut out his morning coffees? Or unsubscribe from Netflix? Or make peanut butter sandwiches at home for lunch? Or go generic with his medicines?
Barron Trump keeps pranking his dad by waking him up every morning at 6am shouting, “Dad, the FBI is here again!”
Fox News claims Antifa is now teaming up with the Gay Agenda in a supergroup called “Gaytifa.”
QAnon just turned against Donald Trump, and Q now claims JFK Jr. will be vice president for Ron DeSantis.
The Secret Service agent who Donald Trump tried to choke out on January 6th for not driving him to the Capitol says the story is true. “But thankfully he had been eating from a bucket of fried chicken so his greasy little fingers couldn’t get a grip on my throat!”
Donald Trump is reportedly jealous of all the attention Elon Musk has been getting, and has told friends he’s going to reveal the existence of all his secret children too.
Tucker Carlson just quietly checked into the hospital for second degree burns after accidentally falling asleep while using his testicle-tanning machine.
The gay social app Grindr says it’s going to win the war on Christmas this year by revealing each day until the 25th one Republican Congressman who uses it, and on Christmas morning Grindr will reveal its biggest GOP fan in the senate!
Texas Governor Greg Abbott just admitted that the Texan power grid is one ice storm away from catastrophic failure that would force Texans to resort to cannibalism for several weeks.
Marjorie Taylor Greene says if she and Steve Bannon had organized January 6th, “We would have won, and consummated our patriotism with a MAGA baby right there in the Capitol.”
Tesla executives are reportedly furious with Elon Musk because he has made liberals boycott their cars while conservatives can’t buy them because it would be acknowledging liberals were right about climate change.
Elon Musk has officially replaced Donald Trump as the man baby child king of the Internet.
Bank Of America, JPMorgan Chase, and Wells Fargo have all announced they’ll freeze the accounts of any of their customers who are dumb enough to want to waste their money buying one of Trump’s trading card NFTs.
The Saudi Arabian Sovereign Wealth Fund just bought $2 billion worth of Donald Trump’s trading card NFTs.
Eric Trump is reportedly pissed off because the Trump trading cards was his idea, and his dad isn’t giving him credit or any of the profits.
Donald Trump has been calling advisers and friends all morning asking them if selling his NFT superhero trading cards for $99 makes him look broke.
A sneak peak at the comic book Donald Trump is releasing tomorrow to accompany his trading cards show him fighting various villains who look a lot like Ron DeSantis, Mitch McConnell, and Barack Obama.
Elon Musk sleeps with a gun next to his bed in case “Woke” comes to get him at night.
Mike Lindell is suing Elon Musk for copying his career change from businessman to right wing conspiracist.
Rudy Giuliani is reportedly thinking about running for president in 2024, and has been telling GOP donors that he’s the only Republican who has the “sexual charisma and masculine magnetism” to defeat Kamala Harris.
Fox News says we should rename the federal holiday of Martin Luther King Jr. Day to “Blacks For Trump Day” because of everything Trump did to end racism.
Donald Trump Jr. refuses to publicly show his laptop to compare it to Hunter Biden’s laptop.
Elon Musk says if Twitter keeps losing all its value, he’ll just turn it into a sex cult.
QAnon claims that on Christmas morning Dr. Fauci will activate everyone’s COVID vaccines to turn them gay.
Donald Trump says he hopes the DOJ will think about his son Barron because, if he goes to jail, Barron will lose the father who is so close and dedicated to him.
The RNC’s website is having a 3/5ths-off sale on all “Blacks 4 Trump” merchandise today.
Merrick Garland has reportedly suggested to Donald Trump’s lawyers that they tell Trump to start sleeping with pants on in case there are any early morning knocks on his door.
Mitch McConnell slipped an amendment into the bipartisan budget bill allocating $750,000 to renovate and expand the “Mitch & Elaine McConnell Herpetarium For Reptiles And Amphibians” at the Louisville Zoo.
It appears to me as if enough members of Congress were texting Mark Meadows seditious things leading up to January 6th that the DOJ could arrest them and give the Democrats the majority in the House again until a bunch of special elections can replace the seditionists…
Donald Trump has reportedly started wearing military medals and ribbons on his suits.
Elon Musk says if people keep mocking him on Twitter he’s going to make comedy illegal again.
Kevin McCarthy has scheduled the 1st impeachment of Joe Biden in January, the 2nd impeachment in March, and the 3rd impeachment in June.
MORE OF MY COMEDY!
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Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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Well done! Laughing out-loud and I sorely needed it! Thanks!