What The GOP Is Campaigning For In 2024
We believe in the Constitution as our founding document, not as a flexible document, but as our enduring covenant. Unless Donald Trump wants to tear it up, declare himself above the law, and start committing any number of consecutive crimes while arguing he’s unindictable because he’s running for president and any criminal investigation would amount to election interference. Then, once he’s president again, he can do endless crimes and pardon himself perpetually. …Unless Trump decides he wants to keep the Constitution, in which case, yeah, we love it and wouldn’t change a single word. Yay originalism!
We may have done some light treason and assisted Trump in inciting a coup against the democratically elected president, but we failed so none of it was ACTUALLY a crime and we can’t be prosecuted for just a slight felony technicality. Jack Smith needs to be defunded, the FBI abolished, the Department of Justice gutted, and all government prosecutors and lawyers who won’t swear a blood oath on January 20th, 2025 to Donald Trump fired. We will end the two-tiered justice system in America by making sure Donald Trump will never be harassed by criminal indictments ever again.
Our last three GOP presidents ballooned the debt by cutting taxes and not cutting spending at all, but we promise Trump’s next term really will, finally, cut the debt. It’ll go down to zero so fast you won’t believe it. But if it doesn’t, it’ll be Democrats’ problem the next time they win the White House.
The climate is pummeling us, but we’re not going to do anything about it because… China or something, I don’t know—look, we’ve been saying it for decades that we’re just not going to do anything about it. The climate is all out of whack, but we all knew this was going to happen once we started letting the gays get married. We warned the liberals a thousand times God would get mad and send down a bunch of plagues and natural disasters in retribution, and now they’re getting what they asked for. We Republicans wash our hands of this!
A lot of kids being shot up in schools every year is the price of freedom. And murdered ex-wives and ex-girlfriends. And kids grabbing irresponsibly stored guns, and shooting each other. And you can no longer expect to go to a grocery store, movie theater, music concert, church, or anywhere else safely. If you don’t have a gun already, you should probably go buy one ASAP. You’re going to want one on you since everyone else will have one. P.S.: Don’t mention this to any Black people. We really just want whites to have the guns, so try not to show them off too much to the ethnic minorities.Slavery wasn’t ALL bad for slaves. They learned valuable skills, got free admittance into America, and could work worry-free without having to bother with any of the business challenges and stresses of owning a plantation. Patrician, antebellum plantation owners were the economic heroes and job creators of their day, and they are unfairly maligned today because of all the class warfare socialists are perpetrating. Democrats are burying their heads in the sand when they won’t admit that some good things came out of slavery. And we’re not racist for being pedantic sticklers by pointing out that slaves were eventually paid the greatest possible gift in the world: American citizenship… we Republicans are just big history buffs!
Women are baby-making vessels that belong to the state for the express purpose of birthing enough babies to someday let America’s population overtake the population of India and China. It’s a geopolitical reality that abortion helps Asia stay ahead of us. It’s not that we want women to die from preventable pregnancy complications, it’s just that maybe that’s what God wants if He, in His grand master plan for the universe, saw fit to give them ectopic pregnancies. And women should respect God’s will by acknowledging that rape and incest babies are miracles. That’s a little icky, we know, but we’re just going to ban all abortions and hope women’s bodies really do have some biological mechanism to prevent or terminate unwanted pregnancies like some of our losing Congressional candidates have suggested in recent years. Maybe women should just start praying more if they don’t like it?
We must save masculinity. America’s young men are addicted to video games, pornography, the Devil’s Lettuce, and TikTok, and in danger of becoming incels. Liberalism and its Woke feminists are ruining women and society by brainwashing girls to turn away from and be disgusted by conservative values. They don’t want to date, or even be around Republican men. The way women are trending away from the Republican Party is a wakeup call for the GOP that we conservative men must put away the video game controllers, bongs, porn, and social media distractions, and really commit ourselves to Evangelical fundamentalism so we can force women to give up on all these dangerous and heathen ideas of gender equality, return them to their rightful place in the social hierarchy below their husbands, and stop them from politically allying with the ethnic minorities to elect Democrats to continue stealing representational power stolen from white Christian men, who God has intended to lead America and make all the governing decisions.
Repeal Obamacare because fuck the uninsurable. It’s been so long we don’t even remember why we wanted to repeal Obamacare’s moderate regulations everyone now just casually accepts as rational and normal, but we’re still bitter we didn’t get to accomplish our goal of making him a one-term president. Our replacement plan is TBD, but you’re going to love it. And it will be cheaper. And cover more people. And all the other stuff. We’re still working it out, but the actual replacement plan is much less important than freeing America from the bondage that is Obamacare. It’s success is costing our health insurance donors way too much money.
America First. Then Russia Second. We’ll withdraw support for Ukraine. Then Saudi Arabia Third because Mohammed bin Salman leads the kind of strong, authoritarian government we’d like to see here in America. Israel fourth, but not the real Jew-y Jews or globalists, just the Jews who support a strong Israel that will maintain Israeli sovereignty long enough for Jesus to come back and begin the Rapture and precipitate all the Biblical prophecies as foretold by the Book of Revelations. Although this order will change if Democrats win in 2024, in which case fuck America, we’re seceding again, and starting a new civil war for the right of Donald Trump to become dictator-for-life as he initiates a hereditary monarchy (Eric excluded from the line of succession).
Bring back child labor. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a visionary governor, and we want to see American families adopt more of an Arkansas aesthetic. Plus, since she legalized child labor again, coal mines are so much more efficient and profitable when you only have to drill and dynamite tunnels big enough for children, instead of full-size adults. That’s the kind of economic vitality and cost-savings we need to institute across all of America.
End the minimum wage, Social Security, Medicare, food stamps, and the rest of what few safety nets America has compared to democratic socialism elsewhere. If the US wants to turn our billionaires into trillionaires, we need to cut taxes and starve the government, and probably a lot of the people.
Ban books, defund libraries, defund universities, kill public schools, erase evolution and climate change from science class, whitewash history class, and no sex education anymore. We can’t figure out why, but education correlates with liberal politics, so critical thinking must somehow be rigged against conservatives. We want more of the poorly educated Donald Trump loves so much, and less of the college-educated.
Let’s omit the following subjects in history classes: slavery, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights era, the Harlem Renaissance, etc. Let’s just skip ahead from the 1770s to World War 2 when we won, and then skip right to Reagan in the 80s, and then skip again to Donald Trump coming down his escalator in 2015. That’s all the history that freedom-loving American patriots need to know.
Oops, is that ANOTHER Nazi we just invited to our political conference and had dinner with afterwards? Our bad.
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Wow. I know it’s supposed to be funny, but every word is terrifyingly true. No exaggeration needed. This is our reality. Thanks. Sharing far & wide.