Which Former Trump Ally Is Most Likely Cooperating With The DOJ?
Ivanka Trump: She knows her father is a lifetime criminal, and is now finally ensnared in the justice system he spent a lifetime abusing. She’s cooperating with the DOJ for immunity because she has a $2 billion Saudi payout to play with. And she hopes bringing down her father will get her invited again to the Manhattan socialite scene.
Donald Trump Jr.: As he has developed his interest and talent for partisan politics, he wants to get back at his dad for all the decades of terrible fathering, physical abuse, and emotional torture by running for president himself, winning, and being an even better politician than his jerk dad. So he brought his dad an 18-pack of Diet Coke and told him he wanted to help intimidate the DOJ’s witnesses and obstruct justice, while wearing an FBI secret recording device the entire time.
Eric Trump: Swindling children’s cancer charities is fun, but he’s ready for a new challenge. He wants to take things to the next level, and assume control of the Trump Organization. And he’s got a plan to turn the family business in a new direction: cryptocurrency. But first, his dad needs to go to prison to initiate the power vacuum he can use to sue his siblings and take the company for himself.
Melania Trump: On the day her husband announced he was running for president a third time, she wrote in her diary: “The debeli polž thinks I’m going to live in the White House another four years, but I’ve been sending photos and tape recordings of his crimes to Special Counsel Jack Smith every day since Smith was appointed. I’ve also been slowly putting poison in his dinners in case he manages to stall his trials past the election. I will never have to fake a smile for him ever again, and the last time I ever hold his hand will continue being in 2006.”
Rudy Giuliani: All Jack Smith has to do is bring Rudy into a deposition that lasts 8 hours so that Rudy suffers alcohol withdrawal symptoms and begs for the bottle of Scotch whiskey Smith is keeping on the conference table with a cigar and an already signed immunity deal allowing Rudy to put his hand in his pants for the remainder of the questioning.
Jared Kushner: Because Jared got involved in so many aspects of Trump’s corrupt, swampy presidency, he has a LOT of criminal exposure himself. Also, he has never been comfortable with the way his father-in-law incestually sexualizes his wife. Trump likes to claim it’s “just jokes,” but he never stops making the jokes. Or touching her weirdly. Or kissing her weirdly. It’s just all too weird for Jared, and getting immunity and evicting his creepy father-in-law from his life is killing two birds with one stone.
Stephen Miller: He has slowly and meticulously cultivated a hunger for and addiction to eating human meat. His cannibalism has led recently to a devolving crisis in which he believes he is dying, and only eating human meat and drinking human blood, along with living nocturnally, will keep him alive. Usually he eats orphans, but they’re lean meat, and Miller has terrified even himself with his sudden, all-consuming lust for eating a much bigger body. He’s particularly intrigued by Donald Trump’s plumpness, and finds himself regularly daydreaming of how he’d cook it. He wonders whether Trump’s fat would drip grease from decades of fried foods, and would his organs taste sweet after the processing of so much artificial sweetener from tens of thousands of Diet Coke cans, and would his intestines turned into sausages taste smoky and charry from all the well-done steaks. Miller wants to cooperate to help the DOJ indict Trump so Trump loses the election and stays in Mar-a-Lago where the Secret Service is much more lax. Then Miller will execute a daring plan to dress up like Ivanka with a blonde wig and big, fake boobs, knock on Trump’s door, initiate foreplay, and then suffocate him with the fake boobs. Then, if everything goes according to the plan, he’ll have a few hours to feed upon Trump’s flesh until the Secret Service notices something’s wrong.
Barron Trump: He’s GenZ, and his TikTok “for you” page is full of videos detailing how his dad is the worst. Also, his dad treats his mom like shit, and her boyfriend would make a much better step-dad. So he’s pretending to be on TikTok while filming the things his dad does and says, and texting it to Jack Smith.
Mike Pence: When Pence first talked to Trump ahead of being made vice president, Trump promised and swore to him holding his hand to a Bible that he loved Jesus and was God-fearing. Neither of those statements were true, and Pence cannot forgive someone who breaks oaths sworn on Bibles. So he’s making sure the DOJ imprisons Trump because Pence is convinced the inevitable introspection that comes with sitting for the rest of his life in a prison cell will finally make him open his heart to Jesus, convert to Christianity, and give Pence massive bonus points for when his soul is being judged at the gates to Heaven.
Mark Meadows: Not even a joke, everyone knows Meadows is, in real life, cooperating, and that’s why he has been so suspiciously silent on Trump’s criminal investigations all this time. He sang like a bird.
Who is cooperating? If they were smart or at all patriotic, all of them would be!
Thanks for your eyeballs!
—Dash MacIntyre
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