7 Serious Thoughts From A Satirist

Sometimes I write real opinions not hidden behind my Dadaist graffiti news headlines!

Photo by Ante Hamersmit on Unsplash

1. A simple platform for Democrats

I don’t ask much from my country. I just want affordable health insurance that isn’t only tied to people’s employers, I want zoning to be changed so housing can proliferate and bring down costs, and I want the US to start builidng high-speed rail.

The health insurance is a safety net that keeps people from going bankrupt for bad medical luck. The zoning will help bring down the biggest life cost that stops the middle class from growing and keeps young people from pursuing the proverbial American dream, and high speed rail will create jobs and unleash a transportation revolution boom of economic growth, innovation, and diffusion.

Short and sweet.

2. MAGA Conservatives have no right to have a “Don’t tread on me” bumper sticker anymore.

Anti-tyranny Republicans are cowards with their silence on fake police ICE agents ambushing people on the street with no badges or other identification and straight up abducting crying parents away from screaming children in grocery stores, school pickup lines, and Home Depots.

What happened to our armed guardians of liberty? Hey, Second Amendment people, this is the tyrannical government you’ve been telling us for decades you’re armed to the teeth to defend us against.

These pussies are just partisans happy that it’s their side doing the civil rights violating, as if every fascist movement doesn’t train its psychopaths purging its own ranks first before going after their societal scapegoats.

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3. Socially sociopathic as always

Trump is prioritizing ICE to catch and deport undocumented immigrants in blue states and cities. This is everything that’s wrong with bad faith Republican politics: he’s going after immigrants in the places where people love and accept immigrants, and leaving immigrants alone in the MAGA districts. So he’s harassing and traumatizing people where there isn’t a problem with immigration, and ignoring the areas where people do have a problem with immigrants.

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4. Let’s give conservatives what they say they want.

I think MAGA fans are right, and we should start telling it like it is, and drop the PC nonsense, and start calling them morons.

Most MAGA fans are no doubt nice, hard working people who probably love and are loved by others. My problem with them is just that they’re morons who don’t understand the complicated world around them, and they are dismissive of unfamiliar things because they fear societal change and perspective-shifting revelations about the superficial ideology they have spent years believing in and arguing for.

I think most conservatives just don’t know many gay or any trans people, they’ve never been to a gayborhood, they don’t go downtown in cities, they don’t understand tariffs, they didn’t pay attention in history class about things like why the world moved away from mercantilism and the gold standard or how countries and political systems developed into the entities they are today, and they’re unfortunately a little gullible for lazy and money-interested corporatist propagandists so they keep voting for a Republican Party that frankly doesn’t care about them beyond biennial election campaign wedge-issue pandering for votes.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s my perspective, and it’s enlightened by spending wayyy more time in conservative-coded spaces throughout my life than the average conservative spends in liberal-coded spaces.

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5. Gang Thought

Anyone else think the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers are gangs, and should be considered as such? The only difference between them and the typical gangs we talk about is that they’re white. And they have bigger dreams than typical gangs — they want to turn into a militia group for a fascist regime.

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6. Go, Zohran

I don’t live in NYC, but the more that old Democrats freak out about Zohran Mamdani, the more I want to give him money. The Democratic Party is a 20th Century gerontocracy, and way too many old Democrats are dying in office. They need to take a bow and get out of Congress, state capitals, and city halls.

I cannot emphasize enough that Mamdani is young, full of energy, charismatic, and popular. I think in this upcoming Democratic primary my top red flag will be if the candidate is ancient.

Sorry, Boomers, it’s time to retire. So many aspects of our society are stagnating because too many Boomers are clinging to their governmental jobs until we have to pry them from their cold, dead fingers. Congress and governmental entities throughout the local, state, and national levels need young people with vigor to win. A new generation of fascism needs a new generation of democratic populism to defeat it.

The Democratic Party as it currently functions has failed to meet the moment. There will be a lot more shocking AOC and Zohran style defeats for Democrats until the party goes where the energy and passion are, however you want to call it: democratic populism, progressivism, or socialism. Let’s not argue over what we call it because we’re all on the basic same page that the government should do more to help people, and real big at the top of that page is “DEFEAT FASCISM.”

Plus this Democratic pearl clutching over Mamdani’s “socialism” deserves a very big eye roll when Democrats constantly campaign on how the wealthy need to pay higher taxes so the government needs to do more to help people. That’s the kind of government Mamdani is calling for. Setting up a few grocery stores in food deserts, and raising taxes on the mega wealthy is literally the Democratic Party platform. Are they upset that Mamdani ACTUALLY intends to do it, and not just talk about it?

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7. Brief reminder!

Sometimes I shit on Joe Biden for fucking the party by hiding how old he was visibly getting, choosing to run again, and then getting out finally too late, but the fact of the matter is that Biden was a very good president, especially morally, and just the fact that Trump never misses an opportunity to be needlessly cruel to his perceived political enemies really contrasts with Biden, who went out of his way to invest his various legislative achievements’ investments in infrastructure, industry, and technology in red states and districts that didn’t vote for him because Biden compassionately recognized they needed it more.

Trump would never in a million years lift a finger like that for blue states, and his presidency is an insult to American history… So consider becoming a paid subscriber to The Halfway Café to help support me spending as much time as I can trolling him with my comedy, satires, and parodies to let posterity remember he was a big, dumb joke of a president! 🥃

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