Closeted Republicans Are Using Empty "Melania" Screenings To Hook Up
This week's Dadaist graffiti news headlines!
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According to Grindr users, screenings of the new Melania movie have become major hookup spots for closeted Republicans because they’re empty.
ICE agents are reportedly being ticketed by Minneapolis police for every petty infraction possible — including jaywalking, littering, and speeding one mile over the limit — and the police officers keep telling them, “You should have complied with the law, or stayed home.”
A federal judge says he will throw out every politicized prosecution, like the Don Lemon arrest, coming from Pam Bondi until she releases the Epstein Files as she was legally required to do 40 days ago, because she clearly is too busy to be arresting journalists.
Internal ICE memos show the agency is having repeat problems with agents’ kids hiding their weapons, masks, and body armor to hinder their parents’ domestic terrorism.
Amateur pedophile hunters are reportedly competing over who can sneak onto Trump’s golf courses, start digging, and find the first body.
The 99-year-old WW2 veteran from Minneapolis who has been protesting ICE every day this week keeps intentionally driving his motorized wheelchair into ICE agents at top speed, and blaming it on not having good traction because of the ice.
Democratic presidential candidates should just announce they’ll pardon everyone who breaks into the DOJ chanting “Hang Pam Bondi and Todd Blanche” like Trump did with January 6th.
A brand new soda company reshot the infamous Kendall Jenner/Pepsi ad, but this time the police are ICE, and, instead of accepting the soda while the crowd cheers, the ICE agent slaps the can out of her hand and shoots her 10 times as “ABOLISH ICE” flashes on the screen.
Gen Z teenagers are reportedly going to screenings of Melania because the theatres are entirely empty and they can make out and give each other handjobs.
Pam Bondi is reportedly furious after finding out that the election data the FBI just took from Georgia is reportedly all blacked out except for following phrases listed on every page, “Pam Bondi is protecting pedophiles,” “Trump is a rapist,” and “Trump sent Mar-a-Lago girls to Epstein’s notorious sex-trafficking mansion.”
Kristi Noem reportedly has an “alarming” list of things Stephen Miller ordered her to do to immigrants that she refused.
ICE is having such giant recruitment and agent retention problems that they’re reportedly changing the training period from 47 days to 47 minutes.
The Secret Service is reportedly warning JD Vance not to bring his wife and kids to visit Minneapolis because they can’t guarantee ICE won’t racially profile them, arrest them, and imprison them in a Texan concentration camp.
The 99-year-old WW2 veteran in Minneapolis keeps punching ICE agents and yelling that he shot 6 fascists just like them on D-Day, but ICE is afraid of how bad the optics would look if they arrested him.
Officials from Scotland say the bombshell allegations in the Epstein Files leave them no choice except to dig up all 18 holes in Trump’s Scottish golf course to look for bodies.
Minneapolis police are reportedly ticketing ICE agents for jaywalking and speeding so they can publicly record the agents’ identities.
Kristi Noem is vindicated: a DNA test conducted on the memos for ICE to infringe on citizens’ civic rights, invade people’s homes without legitimate warrants, and to brutalize protesters proves the memos have Stephen Miller’s ejaculate all over them.
With the latest batch of Epstein Files, we now know why Elon Musk wrecked his businesses, legacy, and sanity going full MAGA.
Don Lemon is reportedly thanking Trump for arresting him and invigorating his independent journalist career by turning him into a martyr.
OPINION: It’s amusing to think of all the people Elon Musk has accused of being pedophiles despite how REAL pedophiles turn him down and ghost him when he begs to be invited to their pedophile island parties after clearing his schedule in anticipation for an invite that doesn’t come.
Democrats just announced they’re keeping a list of every FBI agent who who participated in Trump’s coverup of the Epstein Files to be prosecuted for not whistle-blowing.
Peter Thiel is all over the Epstein Files, yet regularly calls Greta Thunberg the “antichrist” for caring about the environment. This isn’t a joke, it’s just a true observation that Thiel is a giant creepy sociopath who hates humanity and democracy and freedom so much that it’s literally making his face melt and look demonic so he’s visually a likely candidate for the antichrist himself.
DOJ officials are reportedly worried a million+ furious Americans will do a January 6th style protest and storm the DOJ to “Stop the Coverup” of Trump and all his sex-trafficking ring pedophile friends raping, torturing, and murdering girls and boys.
You just know that when Elon Musk went to Epstein’s island before he got blacklisted he wore a fedora, laughed way too hard at everything Epstein said, stumbled through and butchered a bunch of 420 and 69 jokes, and got too drunk and threw up.
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I heard that a great many of these hookups were with the theater seats.
Hmm empty theater, darkened room, soft music, mood getting hot and excited , then..... that face! That fucking face! Whelp there goes that erection.