Do Republicans Think Teens Are Children Or Adults? It Depends…

GOP orthodoxy is very inconsistent on this

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

The following are topics on which Republicans can’t make up their minds whether teenagers should be thought of as innocent children or life-hardened adults:

Jobs: Adults! Teens are practically full-on adults, and deserve the right to work after school or even drop out to make money. Plus, it’s better for our economy if we have our children compete against all the child labor in Asia. America needs to be competitive! And it’s much cheaper for our coal mines to dig tunnels for children rather than the bigger tunnels needed for full-size adult workers. That’s the kind of efficiency America needs to outcompete China!

Take Arkansas as an example. The local economy is booming thanks to Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and her successful efforts bringing back child labor. She says she won’t stop pushing Arkansas’s children out of school and into the labor force for the state’s job creators to utilize at cheap wage levels until Arkansas has the lowest high school graduation rate in the country. It was already pretty successfully low to begin with, but watch out Alabama, Arkansas is gunning for you!

Pornography: Children! Porn is pervasive online, and Senator Josh Hawley is correct when he says it’s the biggest societal threat we as Americans face. It must be eradicated as we are sexualizing our children much too early, and robbing them of the innocent childhoods they deserve.

Marriage: Adults! Girls should be able to get married to older men as soon as they start menstruating. Every girl’s first period is a sign from God that she’s ready to be proposed to, ideally by a much older man from her church who will treat her like a child for the rest of his life.

Abortion: Adults! Teen girls must be held responsible for carrying that baby to term, birthing it, and thanking God for the miracle of pregnancy, no matter what unfortunate circumstances precipitated its conception. If teen girls are unable to support the baby, there’s all kinds of resources and help they can take advantage of to help raise their miracle baby.

Healthcare, school lunches, food stamps, pre-K education, and other resources: Adults! F*ck social safety nets! What are we, communist?! It’s not our fault people are born into poverty! Work hard and get ahead by yourself, that’s what my grandpa did, and now even I’m still living off of his hard work. The poor can be like me if they’d only try.

Political opinions and voting: Children! Teenagers don’t know anything yet, which is why they’re so liberal. If we listened to teen voters, America would overnight turn into a hellscape where every citizen has access to healthcare, college, good wages, and gets paid vacation time like Europeans. I will be in the ground before liberals ever force me to live like some Italian!

Guns: Adults! It’s imperative we arm our children in school because there are so many school shooters everywhere. And if all the other kids have guns, mine certainly will too! And if my kids all have guns, I gotta have a gun on me all the time too. And a grenade. I need to keep up firepower superiority over my kids. Don’t want them coming after me. You never know when your kid might get an Oedipal complex and try to take you out to marry your wife. Everyone must have the right to defend themselves against their families.

Reading books: Children! Teens are extremely impressionable, and must be sheltered from any and all sexual or transgender material. If teenagers read a single book with a gay or trans character, you can kiss their cisgender heterosexuality away! They’ll dye their hair blue, pin animé buttons all over their jackets and backpacks, and swear allegiance to Bernie Sanders and Joseph Stalin in midnight ceremonies outside in the woods like nerdy, Wiccan lesbians. And they’ll bother you all the time about recycling and pronouns.

In fact, to fight back against all the disturbing liberal lies and fake news in the mainstream media, you should probably force your teenagers to watch an hour of straight porn every day to undo the Gay Agenda’s LGBTQ brainwashing that tricks your kids into not caring about what sexual acts the gays are doing in the privacy of their own bedrooms. If you’re a good Christian conservative, sodomy is all you should be thinking about every day, God demands it! Sodomy is the one thing Leviticus really cares about.

So we Republicans need to fight back by sitting down with our kids, and forcing them to watch straight sex scenes under close supervision to make sure they pay close attention to the heavenly fact that heterosexual sex is Jesus’s kind of sex. Any other form of sex is really sex with the Devil. About an hour a day of heterosexual porn should be enough to counteract the liberal media’s gay proselytizing for Satan. But only videos of the missionary position. You don’t want to make sex look like it can be fun.

Black teens: They’re all adults.

Joining the military: Adults! We should lower the enlistment age a little bit so we can prepare for the next GOP presidency when we’ll have a shot at finishing our hat trick of Middle East wars by exporting freedom to Iran! Or fight the civil war Trump will start if America starts protesting him too much! 🥃

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