158 Comments
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Carola K's avatar

I read this, believing it was real. That says a lot

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

It's hard for satirists to keep up with the absurdities of this MAGA era.

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Dawgg Chapman's avatar

All you do is spin everything, give us a fucking real article bitch

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Ela's avatar

If it makes you feel any better, I really didn’t think it was satire until they got to the pancakes. 🥹

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Stephanie Tidd's avatar

And even then............?

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Tammie Brockway's avatar

Same!!! I could see him doing any of these things!

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Jay Geary's avatar

Ditto. Seemed completely plausible.

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Amanda Finlayson's avatar

Same, at first lol 😂

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Stop the BS247's avatar

Thanks for the laugh. Very amusing. I'm going to follow the thread to see who says, the bruise on his hand if from Demarks lady stabbing his hand with her fork.

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

Hahaha good one! His bruise is very suspicious :D

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Dawgg Chapman's avatar

What’s up pussy? Seems like you don’t wanna talk to me.

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Kassi's avatar

I love your writing but I just can’t handle satire right now. I got half way thru ( the pancakes) when I realized this isn’t true. I did love the pancake story. It’s just simply that nothing is beneath him. I think he destroyed my forever fun sense of humor. But thank you..very clever.

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

I think the only way to fight back is laugh at him. Writing these jokes that reference important news events, and imply certain reactions to them is maybe the only thing keeping me sane. Without comedy I might have to totally check out, but that lets the fascists win and get away with more than they would if everyone stays attentive and mad. I consider myself a graffiti newsman, and it's a very happy thing that my audience is really growing right now because it shows us anti-fascist idealists are not alone, and we don't have to let the fascists make us fear them.

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Kassi's avatar

I will begin to look forward to your posts so I can just laugh again!

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

🥰

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Patricia Richter's avatar

I've posted this other places, maybe even here, but it bears repeating. Supposedly from Christopher Marlowe: “The devil, proud sprite, cannot bear to be mocked.” Everybody, get your mock on!

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Melanie Blank's avatar

Kassi, I thought I could not deal with satire or humor during this awful time, but it's not true. I hope you can reach this same point. Being on Substack has helped to keep the magats and this awful "regime" from destroying my capacity for enjoyment in life. I have my moments of sheer panic but I am trying to recover from them and keep going.

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Schatzie Gibbons's avatar

The problem with satirizing Trump is that a lot of satire consists of exaggeration. However, you can’t make shit up that’s anymore outrageous than what’s happening.

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Mike knox's avatar

To work for King Donald, it helps to be a masochist.

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

You must really hate yourself and have some weird daddy issue perversion to work for a psycho narcissist like Trump

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HI2thDoc's avatar

Of course! Like that Human Printer lady, whatshername

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HI2thDoc's avatar

Funny how when I typed trumps human into Google it filled in printer on its own.

Her name is Natalie Harp. Mebbe she should change it to Printer

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Dawgg Chapman's avatar

I’ll debate you without calling you names!!

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Jeff V's avatar

Burger 🤴

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Sandra Myers's avatar

This might be satire, but satire usually has a lot of truth in it.

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

There's more truth than usual in this one! :D

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Dawgg Chapman's avatar

OK since you’re fucking smart let’s dance!!

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Mario Talks Alot's avatar

A frustrated chef storms out of the kitchen, throws down their apron, and yells, “That’s it! I’m done! I can’t take this anymore!” The manager rushes after them, saying, “Wait, what happened?” The chef replies, “You keep telling me to ‘season to taste’—but every time I season it the way I like, you send it back!” The manager sighs, “Fine, fine, just tell me—where are you going now?” The chef smirks, “Somewhere where my spice is appreciated!”

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

Write this into a screenplay :D

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Tani F. Cornelius's avatar

Funny, funny! Sad how much of this was believable. 🫤

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Patrick P's avatar

No problem, McDonalds says they will deliver.

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Stop the BS247's avatar

Eewwwe freezer burned mush cakes.

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Chris Ann's avatar

You had me going until the boobie pancakes.

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

Lol I think the boobie pancake one is the most likely to actually be true! :D

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L. Hughes's avatar

He’s even racist with his M&Ms.

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JuzVicki's avatar

Sorry, I like comedy and despise tRump but this wasn't funny I thought I was reading something real thanks for wasting my time 😡

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

My specialty of comedy is unfunny and time-wasting, but I'm sorry to hear that's not your cup of tea! I like to mock Trump, and even though my work is fictional, I like to think mocking fascism in America always is worthwhile! :D

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Jeanine Ridener's avatar

The motor boating pancakes got me. He’d never pass up eating pancakes!

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Julie Rusak's avatar

You outdid yourself tonight. I have tears running down my face.

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

Success! Thanks for reading my work! :D

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Wren Baker's avatar

I think his real habits are probably worse.

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

Likely much worse and more weird :D

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Anita's avatar

I got halfway through before I realised it was satire.

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MICHAEL'S CURIOUS WORLD's avatar

The funny thing is, it's probably all true.

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The Halfway Cafe's avatar

My specialty is "halfway real" news :D

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