Ivanka Trump: "Unemployed People Can Just Get Jobs In Their Dads' Companies Like I Did"
Her father's tariffs and trade wars are resulting in the first negative job growth in years.
Former presidential adviser Ivanka Trump today offered brief remarks to a reporter about the news that her father’s tariffs and trade wars were about to end the record-breaking job growth and economic prosperity he inherited from Joe Biden:
“To be honest, I don’t understand why there is any unemployment in the first place. What are all these jobless people doing? It’s not like there aren’t jobs. Like, why don’t they just go work at their dads’ companies, or their dads’ governmental administrations until they figure out other options? Working at your dad’s company isn’t such a bad thing. When I graduated from college I didn’t know what kind of career I wanted to pursue, so I just got a temporary summer job as executive vice president of the Trump Organization. And you know what? It turned out to be a great fit!”
Ivanka briefly took a second to show off her Gucci purse before continuing.
“I found it very gratifying to get involved in the family business. We were doing all these amazing events with charities for kids’ cancer benefits, and making big business deals with Russians, and I learned all these great accounting tricks from my dad, who is a total genius at taxes and marketing. He taught me the very valuable lesson that if you’re having trouble getting a loan from a bank, or if your taxes on a certain project are higher than you want to pay, you can just make up numbers and report whatever financial disclosures you want. Your numbers don’t even have to be consistent!”
Ivanka then showed off her diamond necklace.
“That’s just one of the many amazing lessons I learned from my dad. Like how you don’t actually have to pay taxes. A lot of people don’t realize this. I don’t think I’ve ever paid taxes. I’ve always gotten paid either off the books, or with my dad writing off my salary as a business expense like I was a contractor or something instead of an employee. Our Trump brains are always coming up with awesome ideas to save a ton of money and get our operating costs very low like that.”
Ivanka showed off her gold bracelet.
“And learning from the greatest businessman ever was hardly the only benefit I had working in the family company. My dad gave me a credit card from the Trump Foundation to buy whatever I wanted on the side and treat myself if I was feeling down or depressed about anything. The account was always flush with cash because our Trump Foundation was always getting lots of donations from people for the kids’ cancer charities. We made so much money off those kids. Children’s cancer really gets people motivated to donate a lot of money to fundraisers. We make so much money off these kids that I hope they never cure children’s cancer!”
Ivanka showed off her belly button ring with an emerald in it.
“But, anyway, I don’t understand why so many young people complain about jobs and internships being difficult to find, or say that they’re exploitative in nature. My first internship at the Trump Organization was very easy to find, and it was a breeze. And it paid amazingly well. There are tons of amazing opportunities like I had everywhere out there, I promise! Sometimes you just have to open your eyes, you know? And after my day-long internship, my dad signed me on for a long-term job. Take it from me, if you put in a little hard work and stick with it to show some perseverance, great things are possible!”
The reporter stared with her mouth open, so Ivanka continued.
“And it’s not like you have to commit for life, you know? After several years of working at the Trump Organization, I found myself getting bored and thinking about switching my career path. A lot of people don’t have the courage, nerve, or willpower to make big changes in their lives like that, but determination has always been my best trait. I wanted to try out politics, but I was nervous about jumping into the deep end of a whole new industry. It can be very uncertain and risky to try to get hired at a new job when you don’t have much experience, but I decided to go for it! So I applied for my dad’s presidential administration, and got hired thirty seconds later. See? You’ll find out that following your dreams is not as hard or scary as you might think!”
Ivanka pointed to her diamond earrings, and pulled them out a bit from her ears so the reporters could see them better.
“I got another great salary, I met tons of interesting people around the country and world, I got to travel, I made $640 million with my husband in personal business deals on the side, I registered a bunch of new personal trademarks in China, and I even eventually got a $2 billion kickback from the Saudi government for whatever my husband was doing on all his secret trips to the Middle East. All because I had the ambition to start a brand new career in government with just my brains, work ethic, and a verbal recommendation from my dad.”
Ivanka showed off an ankle bracelet made of a dozen hundred dollar bills tied together.
“So I’d love it if my story of struggles, achievements, and overcoming adversity inspired all the unemployed people out there. And to all the women out there, I want to tell them not to ever let sexual harassment in the work place ever bother them or get in their way. I sure didn’t! I faced sexual harassment from the boss every day at both the Trump Organization and the Trump Administration, but I kept my head down, ignored it, and thrived in both workplaces! So take it from me, hard work always pays off. People down on their luck don’t have to squander their time sitting at home feeling sorry for themselves and collecting unemployment, you know? More people should just stop being poor. It’s so easy. There’s no excuse not to pick yourself up by your bootstraps, and call your dad to get you a job in your grandpa’s company, or ask your dad to let you work in his political administration. Trust me, if I could do it, anyone can!”
Ivanka then looked down at a notification she got on her phone.
“Oh, yay!” She exclaimed. “China just gave me another trademark on my latest product of ‘Ivanka’ branded child coffins!” 🥃
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Somebody put that family in a rocket to the moon. She has no idea of life.
I honestly didn’t know this was satire until about a paragraph in. It was BRILL.