Jesus Just Returned, Wants To Know Who Decided "Christians" Didn't Have To Be Jewish

The Messiah is not happy that Christians "aren't doing any Jewish stuff."

Photo by Zachary Olson on Unsplash

Jesus Christ miraculously returned today 2,000 years after His crucifixion, and, following a brief look around Earth, His first question stunned many of the Christian fans He had gathered around Him.

“Who the f*ck decided these so-called ‘Christians’ didn’t have to be Jewish?” Jesus reportedly exclaimed. “When did I say you didn’t have to be Jewish? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t! I’m a Jew! I ate boring kosher food, skipped out on shrimp and pork, and I took great care to never sit anywhere near where a menstruating woman might have sat, which the Old Testament specifically forbids! Seriously, who made up this absurd, ludicrous, preposterous rule that you don’t have to be Jewish and do Jewish things? Was it Judas? I bet it was Judas — that asshole.”

Several bystanders didn’t know what to say, and one of them muttered, “Saint Paul.”

“Who the f*ck is Paul?” continued Jesus. “And what’s a saint? I don’t remember a Paul among My Disciples. There were only twelve! If he had been there, I think I’d remember him! And what’s all this Catholic stuff? When did I do any of that bulls***? What the f*** is a Pope, and who gives a s*** about them living in Rome? Did I ever live in Rome? No! And why aren’t any women involved? Trust Me, every crew needs a prostitute.”

Jesus crossed His arms.

“And what’s with all those gaudy hats and robes, and all the gold everywhere in the Vatican? If you’re all allegedly trying to be like Me, why aren’t you styling yourselves according to My homeless-chic fashion! These Catholic bishops and popes wear the gayest s*** I’ve ever seen! And speaking of gays, when did I ever say to persecute them? Did I ever persecute anyone? The only people I said to persecute were money-changers and selfish, greedy assholes. And look who you all elected president! I was painfully clear that you couldn’t be rich if you wanted to be My follower. So what the Hell is the Catholic Church doing with so much art and global treasures stockpiled in their giant, elaborate palaces and castles? And why are all the people in their paintings white, blonde, and blue eyed? Do I look white to you? I was wandering around in the f*cking desert!”

Jesus shook His head.

“If these Catholics were actually anything like Me, they’d be selling all of their treasures to help the poor! Like I did! How many times do I have to tell you all to spend literally all your time and money helping out the poor? I said it a thousand times! All the stories you recite about Me are about Me being utterly selfless! And what are all those creepy rituals you Catholics do? I never said you were literally eating My flesh! It was a metaphor! You think I literally transform your dumb little crackers into My literal flesh? And that cheap wine and juice into My blood? I died and ended My materialist existence 2,000 years ago! I’ve been metaphysical for millennia! And what the f*ck is Latin? You think I was going around Judea talking in Latin to a bunch of uneducated, illiterate, ancient Jews? If you ‘Catholics’ are going through all this trouble to pretend to preserve ancient traditions and rituals, why are you not even doing them in the Aramaic I spoke, or at least Hebrew? I am so insulted.”

Jesus rolled His eyes.

“I don’t know who came up with all this dress-up pomp and pageantry, but it seems to Me to be getting in the way of sharing everything with the less fortunate, doesn’t it? And why do devout Catholics dislike crossdressing trans people so much? Is there much of a difference between a random dude putting on a dress and the Pope? And why do priests apparently think I went around diddling kids? At no point in the Gospels is it ever written I fondled little boys! None of My miracles involved pedophilia, or life-long sexual repression! And this confession business has really gotten out of hand. What is that about? At no point did I ever say in the entire New Testament for everyone to have to tell dirty, old perverts every little sin they ever committed so priests can use people’s greatest guilts and most repressed memories to create a psychotic power dynamic where they can get away with diddling kids for decades! I need a shower just thinking about it. Why do so many cults pretending to follow My path inevitably turn into sex cults?”

The Catholics in the audience shuffled their feet.

“And don’t even get me started on Evangelicals. You Evangelicals are seriously Biblically illiterate. I don’t remember saying that the kingdom of Heaven was only obtainable if you stopped using your brain, and went around claiming the Bible means whatever you want it to mean! And, for the record, Donald Trump was a test by Me for all of you Evangelicals, and you failed. You guys fell for the Antichrist, way to go. You know who didn’t fall for Donald Trump? Black churches. All you white Evangelicals who are racist — and I know who every one of you is — can think about that while you burn in Hell for a bit. Just kidding! You know what I never went around talking about? Hell! The idea that God just allows Satan to exist and torture people forever makes literally no sense. But maybe We’ll make it exist for all these racist white churches! You know what? From now on, the Kingdom of Heaven is Blacks only! Whites need not apply. Ha! You like that? Do you? F***ing racist gentiles!”

Jesus paused a moment before starting up His rant again.

“And can someone please explain to me what all this Christian rock music nonsense is about? You Christian rockers don’t need Me to save your souls as much as you need Me to save your musical taste! And what’s with all the Christmas stuff? Those Christmas trees, holly, and wreaths are all from the pagans! Did I ever suggest that economically secure families should spend hundreds of dollars on gifts every year for their douchey little kids? No! I said to give it all to the poor and homeless! And when it comes to diddling kids, you all are no better than the Catholics! It’s like every day I read an article about a youth pastor somewhere in the US getting arrested for being inappropriate with kids. Seriously, the early Roman and then medieval power angling that kept women out of church functions and positions of authority really ruined a lot of things. And you think things are bad now? Just imagine how f***ed up the church and its leaders were back when lay people were way more superstitious, and church leaders had virtually unimpeachable power in their communities. Honestly, I’ve been telling God for practically forever that Earth is long overdue for a new flood.”

The Evangelicals in the audience started to tear up.

“I swear to Me,” Jesus said. “Oh, and by the way, evolution is real, so quit it with creationism. It’s like you idiots don’t believe Me and God are capable of coming up with natural selection. You think We’re too dumb to design a self-sustaining system of biology? Is that it? Some reverent children you are. And let’s get one thing straight… I never rode a dinosaur. If Romans were going around riding dinosaurs, don’t you think they’d be drawn on temples, vases, and mosaics instead of just a bunch of boners, sex positions, and references to the gods’ drunken orgies? Christians just don’t use their brains critically anymore. And for real, start doing a bunch more Jewish stuff or Me and God will send down more pestilence.”

Jesus shook His fist at the crowd.

“Think We won’t? Try Us! So no more shaking hands with women who are on the rag! They need to be untouchable and shunned by society for a week like the Bible says, and stay inside their homes in impure exile reflecting on their filth until the full seven days are up, and then only come out once they’ve burned a couple turtle doves in offering to Me and God. One as a sin-offering acknowledging their terrestrial putrefaction, and the second as a burnt offering to honor Me and God’s Heavenly magnificence. The two turtle dove offerings are both individually very, very important to Me and especially God. There’s literally nothing He cares more about than having millions of turtle doves sacrificed to Him every year. That’s why He f*cking included it in the Old Testament, and Jews did it for millennia! And We can’t help but notice that the turtle dove sacrificing practice has been phased out of almost all your dumb, little, ‘Christian’ bulls*** ceremonies. Seriously, if menstruating women don’t wait the full seven days before going out in public, and they don’t burn the two turtle doves, you’re all going to really regret it. Trust Me on this one. Oh, and quit it with the polyester clothing and shrimp platters, those weren’t f***ing suggestions!” 🥃

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