Mike Johnson's Secret Deals To Become Speaker Just Leaked!

Johnson reportedly agreed to some humiliating demands.

Credit: Gage Skidmore (cropped) | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Before becoming Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson agreed to a secret three-page addendum to the official House rules in order to earn the votes of the House’s most MAGA members in the Freedom Caucus, including Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Thomas Massie, etc.

Eyewitnesses claim several Freedom Caucus members forced Johnson to eat the document to dispose of its evidence as soon as they agreed upon its terms.

However, one moderate Republican House member, who requested anonymity, leaked some of the rules he could remember from the list because he doesn’t think Johnson has the support or political skill to last an entire year as Speaker:

• All Freedom Caucus members, who want to, get to kick Mike Johnson in the testicles every first Tuesday of each month.

• The House will institute a new rule that all members have to say “merry Christmas,” and, if they say “happy holidays,” they will be fined $100.

• Every Monday morning the House will formally apologize to billionaires and corporations for taxing them.

• The bathroom signs that say “Employees must wash their hands” will all be removed for being an “infringement on libertarian rights.”

• Immunity will be granted to House members in all future abortion laws.

• The first order of House business every day must be an out-loud reading of the Second Amendment.

• A “Special Committee Against Wokeism” will be formed consisting of Elon Musk, Kanye West, Alex Jones, Tucker Carlson, Donald Trump Jr., Aaron Rodgers, Andrew Tate, and Nick Fuentes.

• The House will issue a resolution reaffirming for everyone that the first rule of the GOP coke orgies is, “You do not talk about the GOP coke orgies.”

• Lobbyist campaign donation checks can be passed out on the floor following votes again like the Boehner days.

• The House will show off Hunter Biden’s dick pics live on C-SPAN to finally let the public see.

• The House will bring up a vote allowing international campaign donations in presidential elections, but only from the following nations: Russia, Israel, and Saudi Arabia.

• Vladimir Putin will be invited to address the House and shit on NATO.

• The House Ethics Committee will be shut down because, as one member phrased it, “The Ethics Committee is made up of a bunch of RINO boy scouts who ask too many questions about why so many GOP super PAC donations are in Russian Rubles and Saudi Riyals.

• The House Committee on National Security will designate the IRS as a “State Sponsor of Terrorism” for terrifying billionaires, and put all IRS agents on the no-fly list so they can no longer fly to any corporations’ headquarters and do any audits.

• C-SPAN cameras cannot zoom in on Lauren Boebert while she’s sitting in the House gallery with dates in case she wants to get a little handsy.

• The House will formally apologize to Trump for his two impeachments.

• All paintings of Jesus in any House member’s office must depict Jesus as caucasian, and Jesus has to look emaciated.

• The House will start hosting monthly tours of the Capitol for Proud Boys and Oath Keepers.

• Democrats must take random drug tests to see if they have any adrenochrome in their system from ritualistically murdering kidnapped children in sacrifice to their pagan gods. Republicans are exempt from all drug tests because they’re Christians.

• QAnon will be invited to give a speech on the House floor and unveil his new list of people in the government he claims are secretly reptilian shapeshifters.

• The House will formally recommend new ethics rules for Supreme Court justices that authorize the GOP’s “Big Brother/Big Sister” program where each conservative justice is matched with a “Big” billionaire who buys them real estate and takes them on monthly vacations via yachts or private planes.

• Jim Jordan’s district will be redrawn to be even more gerrymandered than it already is.

• Congressional Republicans will get their own cafeteria Democrats can’t use where the chefs ignore all the FDA’s regulations on food sanitation, preparation, storage, and service to prove that cutting all health and safety regulations will make food taste better and be safer thanks to the free market.

• The next budget will include a loophole that makes all trips to Mar-a-Lago or other Trump properties for members of Congress tax-exempt.

• The government’s Internet firewalls will start allowing gay pornography to be viewed on GOP Representatives’ computers so they can do “surveillance” on the Gay Agenda.

• The Congressional investigation into Chuck Grassley’s Friday GOP coke orgies inside his f*ck dungeon will be immediately shut down.

• There will be an annual “Bring-Your-Mistress-To-Work Day” where C-SPAN will be turned off so that family values representatives can show off for their mistresses.

• Representative Nancy Mace gets to spit in Mike Johnson’s food, coffee, or open mouth at any moment of his choosing.

• The House will try to force the US to default on its debts because, as Rep. Sally Moerthe explained, “Donald Trump never paid his debts, and his career turned out great for everyone!”

• The House will allow messaging votes on legalizing polygamy, legalizing child marriage, and banning women from being able to own property or take out bank loans without written permission from their husbands.

• Signs will be placed on all House Congressional bathrooms that feature Senator Josh Hawley’s frowning face on it with a caption that says “NO MASTURBATING ALLOWED INSIDE.”

• The House will vote to defund all the Postal Service stamps featuring Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, Louis Armstrong, and Martin Luther King Jr. because “racism is over.”

• The House will debate a national ban on the following Disney characters for allegedly grooming children to do drag or be gay: Ursula (drag), Mulan (drag), Lefou (gay), the 7 Dwarfs (gay), Tinkerbell (lesbian), and Lumiére is on probation because it’s unclear whether he’s gay or just European.

• The House will hold impeachment hearings on Barack Obama, even though he’s not in office anymore, and Hillary Clinton, even though she was never president.

• The House will fund a $2.5 million grant to Steve Bannon for his “Doomsday Vault of Caucasian Semen.”

• Rudy Giuliani will no longer be allowed to come into the House of Representatives during working hours, sit in a bathroom stall, and try to conduct lobbying deals by promising, “I know a guy who can make both of us a lot of money on this one,” and the suspicious hole he drilled into the stall wall at about waist-level that he claims is “just for talking business” will be fixed at Rudy’s expense.

• The day before Juneteenth will also be made into a federal holiday called “Thank You, White People, For Freeing The Slaves Day.”

• A new ethics rule about sexually harassing female staffers will be relaxed from zero tolerance to a “5-strikes-and-you’re-out” policy.

• The House will reimburse all expenditures for ammunition that House members use in their campaign videos where they shoot various objects that have the words “socialism,” “communism,” “science,” “Nancy Pelosi,” “Bidenomics,” or “vaccines” written on them.

• The House will spend $1 billion on testicle tanning machines for the military due to the repeated recommendations of Tucker Carlson that they increase testosterone, masculinity, and alpha male energy. 🥃

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