Rudy Giuliani Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens “Again”
He seemed to imply it wasn't his first abduction.
After a mysterious absence for several days in which he missed multiple scheduled Fox News appearances, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani has returned with wild claims about being abducted by aliens that implied it wasn’t his first time.
Mr. Giuliani described his alleged abduction in an interview with Sean Hannity of Fox News.
“This time was a little different than the first time!” exclaimed Giuliani. “They still took me aboard their ship and did all kinds of medical testing on me with robotic machinery, but this time they put some type of probe in me. They showed it to me first, and it had all kinds of bells and whistles. Then they jammed it deep inside my anus!”
Hannity gasped as Giulian continued.
“At first I thought it might be the Russians trying to get some kind of kompromat video of me like they got Trump—you know, that’s pretty standard operating procedure for the Russians—but I started getting suspicious because the Russians have several of those tapes of me already! The Russians have nothing to worry about from me, I can guarantee it. I do not want those videos getting out in the public. Let’s just say you’d never be able to picture America’s Mayor again without thinking about me wriggling around naked on a tarp in an absurd quantity of Vaseline… oops, I’ve said too much already.”
Giuliani shrugged.
“I had a couple scotches on the rocks on my way to the Fox News studio, so my inhibitions are a little low at the moment. So, anyway, I asked myself, if not the Russians, what government could they possibly be working for? But then the beings finally showed their faces, and I could see they weren’t human at all! They had grey skin, very elongated bodies, and big, disproportionate eyes!”
Giuliani was wide-eyed himself, and gesturing wildly with his arms.
“One of them pleasured me sexually for a deposit before explaining to me in an oddly accented English that Donald Trump was a threat to our planet’s space-time continuum, and that I should cease all associations with him. I wish I could figure out what this coded alien message they were trying to pass on to me meant. Are they saying I should go back to D.C. and launch a bunch more frivolous lawsuits about the 2024 election? I don’t get it because Trump won! But I swear I’m not lying about this. The aliens picked me up while I was walking home from the cigar bar at about 11pm last night. I may have had a couple dozen drinks since 10am when I got there, but I swear I wasn’t drunk! And the probe is still up there—I’ll show you! I’ll pull apart my cheeks so you can see the little antenna that extends out near my hole.”
Giuliani stood up and started unbuckling his belt before Hannity insisted it wouldn’t be necessary.
“I’ve been making metal detectors go haywire since the aliens returned me to Earth! But it’s blocking me up a little bit. They rammed it up in me pretty far into my colon, and I can’t quite reach my fingers to it. So all I’m saying is that if those aliens want me to be a good radio broadcaster or whatever for them, they better come back and give it a little adjusting. I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life. I’m not trying to go out like Elvis, you know? I’m afraid my bowels are eventually going to blow out like a fire hydrant, or when you put your thumb on the side of a garden hose. And the worst part is, before they abducted me this last time, I had just eaten a whole bag of grapes and a bunch of cherries!”
Sean Hannity’s face was pale as he stared with an open mouth and quickly called for a commercial break. 🥃
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Rudy looks a lot like Nosferatu.
Nah, Rudy. That is called pegging. Sorry you are paying for the service now since DonOld stopped giving it to you gratis.