Ted Cruz Is Soft-Launching His 2028 Presidential Campaign Next Week

But can he stop giving America the ick?

Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Ted Cruz has reportedly begun asking his Senate colleagues for their support in 2028, though, so far, none have committed.

Cruz’s long career of self-aggrandizing political stunts has earned him few friends in politics — actually, no friends.

These are the some of the most charitable remarks his fellow Republicans have said about him:

“I will never not hate Ted Cruz with a fiery passion,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “Nothing he says or does could ever change the fact I’ve repeated many times before that if someone killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, no Senators would vote to convict the murderer. I’d even vote to confirm that person onto the Supreme Court because killing Cruz would exemplify such clear and sound judgment.”

“I wish Ted Cruz would just stay in Cancun the next time he flies there during a Texan weather emergency,” said Senator Shelly Poitter. “I’d love it if the government would deport him to Mexico or Canada, except that releasing the bioweapon of mass annoyance that is Ted Cruz would likely be considered by those governments as an act of war. The United Nations would likely try to prosecute us for human rights violations. But he was born in Canada, not America. The Canadians should have to take him back!”

“The first moment I met Ted Cruz, he looked me in the eyes, and I got my first hot flash of menopause,” said Senator Angela Lukeshire. “It’s like my body was so disgusted by his creepy, slimy, hair-raising presence that my ovaries did the menstrual equivalent of throwing up and committing fallopian suicide. My ovaries hung themselves!”

“I’ve heard that Donald Trump has made Ted Cruz do some wildly humiliating things at Mar-a-Lago to be forgiven for the mean things Cruz said about him during the 2016 primary,” said GOP Representative John Fludd. “I can’t totally confirm for sure because I didn’t see it myself, but I heard from a colleague who heard from a Mar-a-Lago cleaning lady that Trump made Cruz do things that made her lose her religion and belief in God because she couldn’t believe an all-knowing, all-powerful, loving monodeity would allow such horrifying, blasphemous deeds of self-flagellation and self-penetration as she saw Cruz do.”

“In the Senate lunchroom, Ted Cruz always sits alone because, when he tries to join any other table, the people there tell him they’re saving the seat for someone, but that someone never comes and sits down,” said Senator Wendy Roche. “It almost makes you feel sympathy for him just for a millisecond before you remember he attempted to stop a bipartisan deal by shutting down the federal government all by himself just to promote himself ahead of his presidential campaign in 2016. Anyone who is a perennial presidential candidate like Ted Cruz, who I believe is already drooling over the opportunity to run in 2028, well, it’s healthy to just instinctively get the ick from that person.”

“Maybe it’s because everyone in his life has hated him, but Ted Cruz is so f*cking weird about asking everyone to make an alliance with him,” said Senator Paul Whittlinger, “He has asked me like five separate times. Literally, every senator has turned him down. He also asks everyone if we’ll sign an oath to vote for him in the next presidential election, but of course, no one has ever signed it. The Senate actually has a suicide pact where roughly 2/3rds of us have all agreed that if Ted ever gets elected as president, we’ll all commit Seppuku on election night. Thankfully, I’m positive the American people will never elect Ted Cruz to the White House.”

“After everyone was criticizing Ted Cruz for his role in helping instigate the insurrectionist mob on January 6th, Cruz told me that he cared about all the calls for his resignation as much as he cared about Trump’s insults aimed at his wife,” said Senator Sam Blackwell. “Of all the comparisons he could have made, I just can’t get over how weird it was that he chose his wife.”

“Al Franken said it best when he said that he liked Ted Cruz more than most in the Senate, and that he hated Ted Cruz,” said Senator Pat Corkman. “Al Franken certainly liked Ted much more than I do! One time at a Republican caucus luncheon I saw Ted Cruz with spinach in his teeth, toilet paper stuck to his shoe, his pants zipper down, his shirt on inside-out, and a booger hanging from his nose… and I didn’t say a word to him about any of it!”

“Cruz getting elected in my state twice really makes me doubt the intelligence of my constituents,” said Cruz’s fellow Texas Senator Tom Carmyn. “I want to believe they’re intelligent arbiters of character, but… why Ted?”

“I once looked at some documents he threw away because he was right next to the recycling bin, but he still chose to throw the paper away in the landfill bin,” revealed an anonymity-requesting Congressional janitor, “and on the papers, I could see Ted had doodled a weird number of squirrels all over it. He drew new designs for different denominations of the Dollar all featuring the presidents as squirrels, and he drew some architectural designs for crafting various squirrel houses out of wood, and he had several pages’ worth of sketches of new acorn shapes that could theoretically be evolved, and he drew a couple not-safe-for-work sketches of some squirrels getting it on. I confess I don’t know much about the anatomy of squirrels, but I believe Mr. Cruz drew their mammary glands inaccurately large.”

“I don’t know what to think about this,” said former Cruz staffer Heather North, “but Ted Cruz once got a little drunk after a night of drinking two bottles of rosé wine at a GOP Senate social event, and he whispered in my ear that he was Mothman. Then he flickered his tongue over his lips, and left me to stand next to a light fixture by himself for like fifteen minutes. Later that night he asked me to sign a pledge to vote for him for president in 2028.” 🥃

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