Trump Can't Find A Chef To Work For His White House
Is it because chefs are an anti-fascist demographic, or because Trump has the palate of a six-year-old?
The following are Trump’s dining tendencies previous chefs who have worked for him have alleged:
When world leaders dine with Trump, he reaches across the table and eats off their plates, which he calls a “power move” to assert dominance.
Every night Trump eats three servings of the dinner’s dessert, and tells the table, “I’m never like this, I can’t believe how bad I’m being tonight.”
Trump forbids his chefs to ever serve him any form of sausage because of how often people compare little sausage links to his fingers.
Trump tells his waiters every single meal, “Don’t worry, I’m going to treat you right on the tip,” and then stiffs them.
Trump invites Don Jr. and Eric to dinners he hosts with his business partners, but makes them sit at a separate “kids’ table.”
When Trump eats tacos and some meat or lettuce falls out, he yells out to whoever is dining with him that “the wall just got ten feet higher!”
Trump likes to go into the kitchen before dinners and spit in his guests’ food, particularly the food of GOP members of Congress, and he makes the staff sign non-disclosure agreements about it when they first get hired.
Trump leaves lipstick stains on all the straws he uses.
On Saturday mornings after weeks when Trump believes the media has been extra nasty and unfair to him, he requests eight pancakes arranged in two stacks with strawberries cut into circles placed in the middle of each stack so they looked like boobs. Then he doesn’t eat them, but just sticks his face into them and makes motor-boating sounds for an hour.
Trump often comments to dinner guests that global warming can’t be real because ice cream still exists.
Trump is adamant that Obama “had to have” eaten more fried chicken than him, despite vigorous disagreement from every White House staff member.
The only part of a turkey Trump eats is the breasts. He and Stephen Miller have had several dinner discussions on what they think human breasts taste like. Miller described the taste with such vivid detail and creepy confidence that Markowitz believes he has actually eaten human meat before.
Trump goes through a 20-oz ketchup bottle weekly.
Trump changes into stretchy pants before every meal because he says buttons are “rigged against him.”
At the end of dinners, Trump pops off the cap of a Sharpie marker and starts huffing it, holding it like a cigar and sticking the tip deep inside his nostril. He offers markers to everyone else at the table in a fancy wooden box, but few partake with him. Ted Cruz once did, and blacked out.
Trump sprinkles ground up Adderall pills on his ice cream.
Trump forbids anyone from praying before meals or blessing the food, and, even when someone tries to pray, Trump will just start eating his fried chicken while moaning to himself, and then interrupt the prayer to explain to the table how a lot of people don’t know this but it’s actually healthy for the heart to cut out red meat a couple times a week and eat a fried chicken instead.
Sometimes Trump pretends to forget to bring his dentures so he can convince Ivanka to “pre-chew” his food for him. Guests have overheard him say it’s the closest he’ll ever come to making out with her.
Trump and his adviser Stephen Miller often brag about the biggest restaurant bills they’ve ever racked up and not tipped their servers on.
Trump sometimes makes his son Eric try his food first to make sure it’s not poisoned.
During a White House luncheon following the college women’s softball championship game, Trump told the winning team they’d all be hotter if they each lost 15 pounds.
Trump literally not even one time dined with Melania.
Trump would order a meal he called “The Donald” from McDonald’s most days for lunch, and McDonald’s employees knew what it meant: three Big Mac sandwiches cooked well-done with five packets of ketchup per sandwich, two Filets-O-Fish, and an M&M McFlurry with all the brown M&Ms removed.
Trump forbids his chefs to bring him any foods that are green in color so he never has to eat a vegetable.
Trump eats pizzas made with ketchup for the sauce and topped with sauerkraut for the sauce once a week.
Trump critiques the Diet Coke cans he drinks like a scotch aficionado would rate a fine whiskey, and often makes comments on each can’s flavor profile as well as how it smells “on the nose.”
When Stephen Miller dines with Trump, he meticulously takes off all the skin of his fried chicken with a knife and fork in as big of pieces as possible, and says it’s great practice for removing the skin of other creatures.
To look strong and tough in front of other people, Trump likes to send back the dishes brought to him with some complaint about it not being prepared right, and the servers know to just wait in the kitchen for a couple minutes before bringing back the same exact plate with no changes made.
When dining with tech executives, Trump always says the same joke while ordering: “I’d like the chicken breast, hold the chicken.”
The chefs have learned to always double everything Trump orders because of how often he hears bad news about his criminal investigations, indictments, and civil lawsuits, and then throws his plates against the wall in a fury smearing ketchup everywhere.
Trump loves eating mini-cupcakes, baby carrots, and burger sliders because his hands look bigger holding them.
Every time Ivanka walks by while he’s eating, Trump takes out his dentures, grabs the most phallic-shaped food on his plate, and then simulates the teeth giving a blowjob to the phallic-shaped food to try to amuse the people he’s dining with.
In exchange for his endorsement of both Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham, Trump made Lindsey eat three plates of lasagna, and then throw up in Ted’s open mouth.
Trump sneaks into the kitchen and sprinkles ground up weight-loss pills onto the food of any female staffers, diplomats, or world leaders he thinks “would look hotter if they lost 15 pounds.”
Trump delicately takes off all the skin of his fried chicken with a knife and fork, and sets it to the side of his plate. Then, he removes all the lean meat and discards it. The fat that’s left he wraps up inside the pieces of skin and eats it, often slurping the fat out of the middle like it’s an oyster. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe threw up the first time he had dinner with Trump and witnessed this.
Trump has variously ordered the White House chefs to spit in food served to Jeff Sessions, Kevin McCarthy, John McCain, and Mitt Romney, and demanded he see them do it.
Trump once told a group of Black Congressional Republicans that he can’t be racist because chocolate ice cream is his favorite flavor.
Trump once was accidentally served a glass with regular Coke in it instead of his customary Diet Coke, and he demanded to be taken to Walter Reed Hospital immediately to get his stomach pumped.
The few times that Trump’s son Barron came downstairs to eat at the same time as him, Trump called him “Boy,” and treated him like a server, apparently unaware of who he was. 🥃
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I believed this for the first five or so. SMH. They seems plausible
Actually some of those are very believable. After the first few it finally became clear that it was a joke.
I still believe he stiffs waiters. And spitting into guests’ food is just the kind of puerile thing he loves to do.