Trump Wants To Do Another, Bigger Military Parade For "Defeating Iran"
And this week's other graffiti news headlines!
Trump is reportedly going to host another military parade next month, and he says if it’s not better attended than the first one he’ll start a new forever war in Iran, and also Pete Hegseth will be fired.
Trump says if more people don’t attend his do-over military parade next month, he’ll bring back the draft.
Several gangs in LA are reportedly trucing so they can accompany people to their immigration hearings and prevent ICE from abducting them, and it’s effective because ICE officials are afraid of them, which is why ICE goes after assimilated immigrants with families.
Some immigrants are now being escorted to their immigration hearings by both a gang member who ICE is afraid of, and a Catholic priest who ICE wouldn’t dare interfere with.
Neighbors of undocumented immigrants across the country are reportedly doing little things in solidarity, like turning on their sprinklers when ICE agents walk through their yards, and letting their dogs pee on the tires of ICE’s SUVs, and calling tow trucks on them.
Trump claims his generals have told him, with tears in their eyes, “Sir, no president has ever thought of Iranian, Ukrainian, and Palestinian peace deals as genius as yours!”
After the Trump Administration just legalized asbestos — which you might be unsurprised to find out Russia is the world’s biggest exporter of asbestos by far, accounting for about 2/3rds of global production — MAGA fans are lining up to fill their houses with it to own the libs.
Pete Hegseth is reportedly worried he fired too many ethnically diverse, female, gay, and trans soldiers who were crucial for the military’s effectiveness right before Trump starts another Middle East forever war.
After JD Vance called Senator Alex Padilla “José Padilla,” a growing number of Gen Z teens have been heckling him every chance they get by calling him BJ Vance, which, of course, stands for “Blow Job Vance.”
Trump, after bombing Iran for Israel, reportedly told his staff, “We have lost the neo-Nazis for a generation.”
The island of penguins that Trump tariffed has reportedly condemned Trump’s bombing of Iranian targets
Trump was reportedly pissed all weekend because his accountants explained to him how expensive the annual maintenance will be on his new giant private plane, and now the Qataris won’t take it back and bribe him with something else more economical instead.
A new poll just found that 66% of Americans and 73% of Iranians are willing to trade regime change for regime change.
Kristi Noem has reportedly declined offers by LA officials to come do one of her body-armor-wearing, badass pretending photo-ops in Skid Row.
Iranian officials just officially apologized to Barack Obama for not working harder to get his nuclear deal signed back in 2016, saying, “We didn’t know how good we had it with you.”
Trump says it’s a “red line” if any Iranian sleeper cell agents blow up his new $400 million private plane.
Iranian officials say if Israel really is blackmailing Trump with Epstein videos, Iranian hackers will find them and release them to the American public.
The CEO of “OnlyMAGA,” an OnlyFans rip-off app intended to showcase the female influencers who hang around Mar-a-Lago and have the “MAGA look” Donald Trump loves of lots of plastic surgery, heavy makeup and blonde hair, said his app has been “hijacked by the gays,” and then shrugged and said, “I’m not gay, but $10,000 per month in revenue growth is $10,000 per month in revenue growth.
Kash Patel says he was “so close” to releasing the unredacted Epstein files, but now he’ll have to postpone that to deal with potential threats from Iran for at least two weeks.
Iranian officials say there’s no reason for Iran to have sleeper cells in Trump’s America, because he terrorizes US citizens enough already.
Trump Administration officials are reportedly worried that Iranian sleeper cell agents in the US could very easily just drive around in random vans wearing masks, tell everyone they’re ICE, and then cause any amount of chaos they want. [I’m not actually that concerned about sleeper cells or Iranian subterfuge — isn’t Iran’s bigger enemy and active concern Israel anyway? — but, wow, the Trump Administration’s evil, illegal incompetence with ICE has left us impeachably vulnerable to ANYONE wanting to cause real chaos!]
Trump says he was “super close” to finishing his 90 trade deals, but now this Iran crisis means it’ll take a “little longer.”
Trump was reportedly pissed all morning today because his accountants gave him a report on how expensive the annual maintenance will be on his new giant private plane, and now the Qataris won’t take it back and bribe him with something more economical instead. 🥃
The Halfway Post's Approach to "Dadaist" Political Satire, Explained
Maybe “Dadaist” is an obscure reference when I call myself that, but, because I love Wikipedia, here’s the Wiki on it!
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I was surprised how long it took for me to realize this is satire. It is, right?
Oh good grief no no no no