Trump Fans Are Accusing Democrats Of Controlling The Polar Vortex

And this week's other Dada News headlines!

Photo by shahin khalaji

• Donald Trump is furiously marking up maps of this weekend’s polar vortex with his Sharpie marker to make it stay away from his inauguration in D.C.

• After Trump announced he was giving his inauguration speech indoors on account of the cold weather, the chancellor of Greenland taunted him on social media saying, “If Trump can’t handle one polar vortex, he can’t handle Greenland.”

• Marjorie Taylor Greene claims the Jewish Space Lasers are somehow making the polar vortex go south to sabotage Trump’s inauguration speech.

• Trump is reportedly terrified the polar vortex winds during his inauguration speech will wave his hair around like a wavy-arm, inflatable tube man.

• Trump is worried the polar vortex will make it so cold at his inauguration speech that his stench will be visible steaming off his body during the TV broadcast.

• Pete Hegseth is reportedly furious people online keep mocking him by calling him a “DUI hire.”

• Trump reportedly finds it suspicious that JD Vance keeps telling him do his inauguration speech outside to “own the liberals” and “prove he’s not afraid of the polar vortex or pneumonia.”

• Joe Biden says he hid the nuclear codes someplace Donald Trump will never find.

• Trump is reportedly threatening to tariff any news networks that show photos of the likely empty National Mall during his now indoors inaugural speech.

• Billionaire Hank Desplessis says his fellow billionaire colleagues are hyping Trump with an “Emperor’s New Clothes vibe” by acting like they don’t notice his bright, orange makeup, or that he’s utterly ignorant about all things tech, government, and basic history.

• Trump is reportedly no longer planning to walk in his inaugural parade, and will instead drive along in a golf cart.

• The chancellor of Greenland just announced Trump will only be permitted to annex a two square mile landfill in which the island dumps used adult diapers from all its retirement homes.

• The brain worm that used RFK Jr. as a host to get close to and sneak into Trump’s brain to control him is pissed thinking how unhealthy Trump is, and that his new host might catch pneumonia during his inaugural festivities and die right as the worm obtains total power.

• Trump says he’ll unite the country and bring back bipartisan goodwill by deporting Senator Ted Cruz in his first week as president.

• A major costume company is giving away free mushroom costumes to anyone who pledges to wear it to Donald Trump’s inauguration.

• Trump is reportedly furious that he keeps getting called “Ralph Wiggum all grown up” on social media.

• Trump is reportedly terrified his MAGA fans will feel betrayed if the media investigates how many immigrant workers he is employing at his properties right now.

• Trump adviser Stephen Miller has reportedly seen the Robert Eggers vampire movie “Nosferatu” twelve times in the last two weeks.

• Trump can’t name any of the presidents between Abraham Lincoln and FDR.

• Trump is reportedly worried the polar vortex this weekend will make his inauguration day in D.C. freezing cold and windy so he’ll get sick and die in his first month as president like William Henry Harrison did.

• Greenland’s legislature just put a tariff on all Trump-branded products.

• Trump is reportedly worried the Polar Vortex will make his inauguration parade down Pennsylvania Avenue so cold that if he incontinently dribbles any pee out it will freeze and he’ll make a jangling sound when he walks.

• The gay dating app “Bear Meets Twink” just announced it’s starting an annual political convention for conservatives called “Trump-a-Palooza” because of how profitable other GOP conferences like CPAC and the Republican National Convention always are.

• Trump is reportedly furious that the weather is “rigging his inauguration,” and that the coming polar vortex means the National Mall during his speech will be sparse and filled with more protesters in mushroom costumes playing kazoos and tubas than supporters. 🥃

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