Trump Wants New Hires To Watch Movies About The Nazis
The aesthetic Trump has written on his vision board at the White House is “Nazi Germany, 1937.”
To help Trump find staffers who are “as loyal as Hitler’s generals were,” the following is the application introduction he makes all new potential hires read through:
The Former and Future President of the United States Donald J. Trump wants to consider you joining his 2nd presidency!
Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as Trump’s management style pits everyone in a free-for-all battle to win his attention and respect. Staff turnover was historically high in his first term, and is expected to be even higher this time around.
***MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive, 180-page, single-spaced non-disclosure agreement for which Trump reserves the right to sue you for $5 billion if you discuss anything he’s ever done or said to you!***
QUALIFICATIONS
Previous on-air TV experience from Fox News, Newsmax, or conservative podcasting
A “Central Casting” physical appearance — blondes strongly preferred (an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment for female applicants, and male applicants must be better looking than Rudy Giuliani but not too better looking than Trump)
Big breasts for women (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants), full head of hair for men (inquire about our new-hire bonus of hair implants)
Team player (you may be asked to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team, but pardons and NDA hush money are negotiable)
Must have a good memory as we are a paperless office so there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do, write, or say (if you do need to write any notes, you will be expected to flush or eat them)
Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging paper jams in our memo toilet
Can handle some maybe not so great body odor and the scent of soiled underwear for extended periods of time
Intimate knowledge of the fast food menus at McDonald’s and KFC, or be a very fast, visual learner of combo deals
Flexible opinions on the Constitution’s checks and balances on executive power, the geopolitical benefits of NATO and the UN, and human rights
RESPONSIBILITIES
Fetch Trump a can of Diet Coke exactly every 37 minutes (due to his extreme physiological dependence on aspartame he will start sweating profusely and foaming at the mouth if you’re more than 45-seconds late, and possibly show a lot of other symptoms not too dissimilar to rabies)
Flush (or eat) all handwritten notes from Trump, even the ones he just sketches boobs on
Occasional light janitorial work, such as cleaning ketchup off walls and sweeping up broken plate shards and half-eaten burgers
Schedule weekly phone calls between Vladimir Putin and Trump
Be proactive and a self-starter at claiming “executive privilege” and “presidential immunity” when interacting with journalists, Democratic members of Congress, courthouse officials, or the Department of Justice
Always knock on the door before entering when Trump is in his “Executive Hours” because he might be naked jerking off to the fawning praise he gets from Fox News, or he might not have his makeup or hair done yet, and you’ll make him shriek for you to get out and yell that it’s “fake news” how he looks
Women: always pretend to be turned on or impressed if he flashes you
Be good at remembering a constantly shifting array of “alternative facts,” “enemies of the people,” and expected hurricane trajectories
Coordinate political strategies with a revolving cast of co-conspirators, underlings, yes-men, and blackmailed members of Congress, as well as occasionally escort blackmail material to and from the vault in Trump’s Mar-a-Lago suite
Always let him “weave,” and never embarrass him by reminding him what your question was actually about if he deviated far off topic
Stalk and spy on Republican members of Congress to blackmail them into loyalty, and occasionally earn overtime driving to their houses in the middle of the night to look through their trash bins and plant concealed recording devices on their porches
Help enforce a 2-drink maximum on Rudy Giuliani during regular business hours if he is around
Spray Steve Bannon with Febreze when he comes around so he doesn’t stink up the office (his stench somehow clings to the couches he sits on for days)
Spray Trump with cologne before all meetings so his infamous body odor doesn’t embarrass him or make foreign dignitaries throw up (we’ve tried everything to mitigate the smell and nothing works, so just get used to the smell and cleaning up vomit when attending global summits)
Try to sober up Don Jr. and/or give him eye drops when he’s around the media or any cameras
Make sure Eric doesn’t pick his scabs and eat them, and bleed on the White House furniture
Be on the lookout for Melania lookalikes and body-doubles we can hire to use at White House events
Never let Trump eat or drink anything Melania gives him (Trump is concerned she might be trying to poison him)
You’ll get occasional breaks to go pick up McDonald’s or KFC from the drive-through (Trump doesn’t trust random delivery drivers)
Use Craigslist to hire Black people for “Blacks 4 Trump” appearances at campaign rallies
Do NOT EVER mention windmills, sharks, the water pressure, Obama, Ukraine, Zelensky, Pelosi, exercise, heart disease, Jack Smith, January 6th, his inauguration crowd size, Melania’s fidelity, or Eric when Trump is around
If Trump invites you out golfing with him you MUST let him win and look the other way when he kicks his ball into the water hazard and drops a new ball from his pocket much closer to the hole
Keep a close eye on Twitter/X so you know if/when Trump fires you
Quietly and passively accept a lot of mental and psychological abuse (Trump’s genius leadership style involves a lot of yelling, insults, threats of violence, and choking attempts)
BENEFITS
Payday in “two weeks”
A 1% discount on Mar-a-Lago membership, and 47 cents off at any other Trump property
Proximity to classified and top secret documents Trump will not give back following his presidential briefings
Casual, daily appraisals of your physical appearance by the President of the United States (particularly if you are female)
You’ll learn from the best dealmaker of all time, and watch his genius business skills as he finally unveils his new Obamacare replacement, infrastructure deal, Iran deal, North Korea deal, and plan to make Mexico pay for the wall!
You’ll get to hear a lot of rumors about golfers’ penis sizes
If Trump wants to make a move on you he’ll take you out furniture shopping first
You’ll be around many powerful people in Republican politics, and see Trump humiliate them often (you’ll love “The Kennel,” and seeing Mike Johnson, Ted Cruz, and Lindsey Graham spend hours locked inside it)
Complimentary, communal lines of Adderall several times a day
There’s often free makeup available when Trump buys a foundation that isn’t orange enough for his taste and he doesn’t want it
Working for the greatest president in US history, better than Lincoln and Washington combined!
TO APPLY
Cover letter must be no more than two paragraphs — including Trump’s name in every paragraph (if not every individual sentence) is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED
Letters of recommendation from dictators are quite welcome!
Pay a $50 application fee, a $50 resumé reading fee, a $50 resumé filing fee, a $50 non-disclosure agreement filing fee, and a $50 interview fee
Female applicants are advised to print out and bring several selfies so Trump can determine if you have the “Trump Administration It Factor” (the more skin showing the better for you), and male applicants must write out an amusing story of a time you think you were were unfairly accused of sexual assault
Pay a $50 selfie filing fee or $50 sex adventure reading fee
Join Truth Social and post five Truths accusing Democratic members of Congress being Satan and show Trump during interview
Pick out, buy, print out, and bring to discuss your favorite “Trump NFT”
Pay a $50 NFT filing fee
Write and send a letter to NBCUniversal at the end of your interview while being monitored to tell them that you’d love it if they produced another season of The Apprentice featuring Trump as president firing his cabinet members for not being loyal enough
Watch a WWII film from the Nazi side, and be prepared to discuss what you learned
Tips: Bring an 18-pack of Diet Coke cans to the interview or a few cans of hairspray, say Trump’s name a lot (he really likes hearing his full name, not just “Trump”), show cleavage if you’re a woman and maybe bend over a couple times, say racist or sexist things, express that you think it’s genius to have America abandon our NATO allies and it’s totally not just because that’s what would be spectacular for Putin’s land grab dreams, remark that his hands are even bigger than you expected, and tell him he totally could have dated Ivanka if he weren’t her father — he’ll really love all that!
We look forward* to meeting you!
*No fuglies 🥃
☕️ I’m trying to be the most relentless satirist of Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and the MAGA movement on the Internet, so if you like my graffiti news comedy here’s a 50% discount on paid subscriptions to help support me, for just $2.50 a month, write full-time and tirelessly mock Trump’s fascism with comedy.
And help me grow by sharing my comedy to your liberal friends and family, and your conservative enemies!
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: “Satire In The Trump Years” and “Satire In The Biden Years,” available on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Kobo. Or request your library order a copy!
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my humor, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my graffiti news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated and amped to think up jokes about MAGA world!
I laughed, I cried (from laughing) but the crème de la crème was “no fuglies”
His brain = mush.