How Republicans Imagine Democrats Live

The following is a day in the life of an average, card-carrying Democrat, in the mind of a MAGA Republican.

Photo by Isi Parente on Unsplash

6:06am — Wake up to the sound of a screaming newborn baby, and say quick morning prayers to the three S’s: Satan, Stalin, and Soros. Tap the snooze button several times because you were in the middle of sexy-dreaming about making out with Chairman Mao.

6:41am — Finally get up. Put on a scary Halloween mask to terrify your blood donor baby, and gets its adrenaline level up. Then perform a post-birth abortion on that baby while listening to NPR’s Morning News Edition. Remember you still want to check out Steve Inskeep’s new book from your local public library.

6:53am — Begin draining the sweet, youthful, adrenochrome-filled blood into a hollowed out dildo. Using a quill and some of the baby’s blood, write down a reminder on a post-it note to donate to NPR and get their free tote bag.

6:57am — Once drained, put the baby’s corpse into a box addressed to Hillary Clinton’s evil volcano lair if it’s an odd-numbered day, or Nancy Pelosi’s husband’s secret San Francisco gay sex bathhouse if it’s an even-numbered day.

6:58am — Put several Ruth Bader-Ginsburg themed stamps on it, and, just for good measure, write “I LOVE CRITICAL RACE THEORY” on the box, followed by “DEFUND THA POLICE” and “ANTIFA 4EVR.” Draw a big penis, and, underneath it, write “ALL PENETRATIVE SEX IS INHERENTLY SEXIST AND ASSAULT.”

7:01am — Pour the hollowed out dildo of baby blood into a blender, and add fresh, organic fruit from an Oregon farm worked exclusively by weed-smoking hippies who evaded the draft and made America lose the Vietnam War. Practice deep-throating the dildo until the blender stops. Take off the top, and smell it. Sprinkle in a few shredded up Bible pages and rainbow marshmallows from a box of Lucky Charms cereal. Taste it, and decide it needs “a little more gay.” Pour in the rest of the rainbow marshmallows.

7:05am — Step outside to smoke a joint, and blow the smoke in the faces of all the children walking to school. Hand out vapes, weed edibles, temporary tattoos of pentagrams, burned CDs of death metal music, Bernie Sanders “Feel the Bern” stickers, boxed sets of RuPaul’s Drag Race DVDs, and porn magazines to the elementary schoolers, and tell them, “You just got groomed, come see me when you turn 18.”

7:15am — Watch last night’s Rachel Maddow show while burning a Bible like it’s sage to repel God from every corner of the apartment.

7:39am — Go to Democrats.com, click the page for “Newborns,” and do some shopping for your next baby blood donor.

8:00am — Conference call with Mark Zuckerberg and other Big Tech executives about which conservatives deserve censoring and shadow-banning today. Agree that Google should display several results pages of news articles about the time Ted Cruz liked a porn video on Twitter every time he Googles himself. Change Marjorie Taylor Greene’s photo on Wikipedia to a picture of Sasquatch. Vote in several online polls so only trans women from now on win “Women of the Year” awards.

9:02 — Check social media. Read a fact written in a tweet by Ben Shapiro, and briefly get feelings hurt. Cry for several minutes, and yell out, “Why don’t facts ever care about my feelings?!”

9:14am — Decide to book a vacation for June. Look up prices at Disney World. Get in a couple more reps of deep-throating with desk drawer dildo.

9:19am — Buy a dozen children’s books with gay and trans characters on Amazon to smuggle into Orlando elementary schools when on the Disney World trip.

9:22am — Pray toward Mecca, and apologize for being a white male, and committing nonstop white privilege and patriarchy crimes. Fistjab the framed picture of Obama doing the “terrorist fistjab.” Say five “Death to America’s,” and make the sign of a pentagram over your heart.

9:30am — Read a couple chapters in your latest library history book on the Bolshevik Revolution to try and plan how a Bolshevik Revolution you might someday spark in America could have greater, faster success in forcing at gunpoint all Americans into collectivized farms and steel factories.

10:17am — Meditate for a bit repeating hundreds of times your Nietzsche mantra, “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed Him.”

10:41am — Say a brief prayer to Pontius Pilate, and thank him for crucifying Jesus.

10:45am — Make and eat a snack of avocado toast.

10:54am — Give yourself a quick COVID vaccine. Remember you forgot yesterday, so give yourself a second vaccine, just in case.

11:01am — Get dressed up in an elaborate drag outfit to go read to children in the local public library.

11:17am — Do dramatic drag makeup.

11:37am — Brush your teeth with a surplus FEMA-brand of toothpaste featuring a “deluxe amount of fluoride for liberal brainwashing.” Put on two surgical masks over mouth and nose to drive alone in the car to the local public library, and give thumbs-down gestures to all the maskless drivers.

12:00pm — Perform drag for a field trip of 1st graders. Teach them twerking.

12:30pm — Teach a hands-on lesson for the children on how to sign up for a Grindr account, take a slutty profile photo, and write thirsty bios.

1:06pm — After every child has finished their Grindr profile, make all the white children in the audience apologize to the Black children for being irredeemable racists. Pass out hormone blockers. Assign each child an opposite-gender name, and remind them never to speak of any of this to their parents.

1:20pm — Say goodbye to the children, and gift them each a copy of Malcolm X’s autobiography with a bookmark of the drag queen Divine.

1:39pm — Go shopping at Target to reward it for its corporate social consciousness, and buy a case of the LGBTQ Bud Light cans. Pour one into a spray bottle, and start spritzing anyone wearing a cross necklace in the face.

2:02pm — Go to the Nike store, and check if they have any new Colin Kaepernick shoes available. After finding they don’t, decide to pretend to be an activist for a bit, lie down in front of the door, and yell at every shopper stepping over, “You’re the capitalistic problem, you corporatist shill!”

2:22pm — Check Twitter. Write a tweet to NASCAR saying you’re their biggest fan, and would love to see more drivers of color, rainbow flags on the cars, and drag queens doing all the flag waving.

2:26pm — Write a tweet to M&Ms about how, even with the new makeover, the Green M&M is still too sexy and in danger of being masturbated to by Tucker Carlson. Suggest they start having the Green M&M wear a burqa, or at least a hijab for Muslim inclusion.

2:35pm — Drive to the post office. Mail this month’s union dues to Hollywood, the Gay Agenda, and Planned Parenthood, as well as several dozen 2024 early-voting mail-in ballots for Joe Biden to Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Michigan, Arizona, and Georgia.

3:00pm — Drive home to catch a Deep State conference call on Zoom for a preliminary meeting on how to rig the 2026 election against Donald Trump.

4:00pm — Conference call on Zoom with Donald Trump’s doctors on how to rig his blood pressure and cholesterol against him. Also, brainstorm ideas for new vaccines to force conservatives to take.

5:00pm — Dye hair blue for the gender-bending party you’re hosting tonight. Decide to try out telling everyone from now on that you identify as a non-binary demisexual because, even though lately you had been telling everyone you identified as a bisexual aromantic — and the month before that you had been telling everyone you identified as a pansexual cis — you’d like to get much more open with your wardrobe choices.

5:45pm — Stop by the hospital to pick up tomorrow’s baby you ordered online from Democrats.com

6:16pm — Dress the baby in drag, and do a “coming-out trans” party for it with your socialist friends. Thank Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for stopping by. Remind her that she promised she was going to get matching Moloch tattoos with you.

6:40pm — Baptize the baby for Lucifer in a kiddie pool filled with goat’s blood.

6:53pm — Lead chants of “death to America” and “unelectably liberal!”

7:30pm — Dress up like a Proud Boy with a MAGA flag, and participate in an insurrection to blame it on Trump supporters and make them look bad.

10:21pm — Do nightly prayers to Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, and fall asleep to the audiobook of The Communist Manifesto. 🥃

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