ICE Agents Say Women Consider Their Job To Be A "Huge Red Flag"
Dating is hard these days, but no one has it harder than the ICE agents currently hiding their identities, wearing masks, abducting people on the street, and imprisoning them in concentration camps.
Having a role in a Trump administration has been a major red flag for years for users of popular dating apps, such as Tinder, Bumble and Grindr, and ICE agents are complaining that they’re quickly swiped away if they list their job in their profiles, or ghosted once the topic of employment comes up in textual conversation.
“I don’t get it, I work for the President of the United States, and I thought that would be a major turn-on for girls,” explained Michael Herman, 29, an ICE agent who hasn’t been on a date with a female since Trump won the election in November of last year. “But all the women I’ve text on dating apps say Trump is a rapey, sociopathic pedophile. I try to point out that all of Trump’s allegations of sexual misconduct involve teen girls, and not adolescent girls, which is the specific age range pedophilia refers to, but then the women all text back that that’s not a distinction they care to make. Then they get emotional, and act like I’m the weird one, and call me pedantic. I can’t wait till sex robots are a little bit more realistic so I won’t need a stupid, real woman ever again.”
Some Trump staffers have expressed dissatisfaction with their involuntarily celibate status.
“If it were up to me, I’d be banging a different woman every day like a Mongolian emperor, but all the women I’ve ever met just get neurotic around alpha males like me,” insisted Todd Garpman, 31, an ICE agent from Florida. “I’m an alpha in every way except my sex life, and it doesn’t make sense. When I meet a woman things go great until they ask me about my job, and I explain that I’m one of the badasses abducting the breastfeeding women who get deported and have to leave behind their babies, who become orphans. And then they ignore all my phone calls and voicemails, no matter how threatening they get! What am I doing wrong?”
Other Trump staffers believe that women’s refusal to date them proves their opinion that women don’t belong in politics.
“Why are women so emotional about these immigrants?” asked Joseph Lacker, 36, an ICE agent from Texas. “Personally, I love the videos of these kids crying when one of their parents get deported. These Hispanic three-year-olds missing their parents are such babies about it! Getting upset is why women are weak, and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the responsibilities of government. You get one crying baby and all the women in America forget all about keeping their country safe. That, and their menstrual cycles that turn them into hormonal freaks once a month. It’s like women are only capable of thinking with their uteruses. These three-year-olds may look like cute, chubby cherubs, but there’s no way to tell if they’re MS-13 gang lords, or ISIS, or drug dealers killing thousands of Americans with fentanyl. Every woman I’ve gone on a date with is blinded by her empathy for immigrant families, so I’m actually glad none of them have ever agreed to a second date with me when I ask for one. They’d just be wasting my time. And I always find out that these women are losers with terrible taste in men after they ghost me and then I stalk them for weeks. Every time, the next guy they start dating always looks like a total beta loser. So I’m lucky that I only got one date with all these women, and that they walked out on me in the first fifteen minutes of our dates!” 🥃
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They want a gender war they got one