Remember When Alex Jones's Lawyer Accidentally Leaked All His Texts?
Here's a reminder that America's biggest conspiracist is also an idiot.
The following are texts found on the phone of Alex Jones between the years of 2017 and 2022 that his lawyers, in an act of spectacular negligence, failed to keep protected and accidentally let get publicly released:
To Eric Trump: “Can I get in on some of your charity fraud? These Sandy Hook lawsuits are bleeding me dry! Maybe I should switch my focus from kids in school shootings to cancer kids. Call me back, bud.”
To Roger Stone: “You vet your orgies, right? I don’t want any secret Reptilian shapeshifters shooting their demon semen loads into my eyes. I’ve had enough STDs already, I’m not trying to get some extra-terrestrial chlamydia on top of the Earth one!”
To Donald Trump: “Hey, if you end up going to North Korea to meet with Kim Jong Un about that Pyongyang Riviera real estate idea you had, I can teach you some karate moves in case the North Koreans don’t want to play ball with you. They all know karate over there. Better to be safe than sorry. I once took on 50 Koreans by myself who Hillary and Nancy Pelosi paid to make me disappear. The trick is to get naked and rub baby oil all over yourself so they can’t latch onto you.”
To Donald Trump Jr.: “Hey bro, really loved your convention speech. Talk about passion the way you spoke so fast, and your eyes were bright red and glassy. Can you hook me up with your guy that gets you that stuff? Whatever you were on, I want a lot of it!”
To Ivanka Trump: “Hey, girl, just went to the gym today. Benched two Jareds (250lbs). You ever thought about ethical non-monogamy?”
To Roger Stone: “It’s cool, we can talk about the January 6th coup with this number. I guarantee no enemy lawyers will ever get ahold of this phone. Oh, while I have you, when’s the next GOP coke orgy? I heard Chuck Grassley put a new swing in his f*ck dungeon. Oh, will Louie Gohmert be at the next one? He lent me his Ogre Demon 3000 dildo machine and I’ve been meaning to return it, but I can’t exactly bring it through the security checks at his Congressional office building, you know? I don’t think it would even fit through the x-ray machine.”
To Donald Trump: “I have a list of enemies I want to take out, starting with my bitch ex-wife’s lawyers. If you pardon me afterwards, I’ll add Mike Pence to that list.”
To Donald Trump: “Hey, have you ever looked into Melania’s past, or fact-checked her childhood? Is Slovenia real? I don’t know if it’s just all her plastic surgery, but she looks a little Reptilian. Thin mouth, very narrow, beady eyes… are you sure she’s not a shapeshifting alien spy?”
To Bill Barr: “Can you investigate my bitch ex-wife to get her off my back? These alimony payments are killing me. Her lawyers have f***ed me. I think they’re gay, and upset that I found out about their chemtrail experiments with the frogs. I think they paid off the judge. I’m paying alimony for kids I don’t even get to see. Can you believe my bitch ex-wife called me mentally unstable? Me! Mentally unstable! I’m not even sure they’re my kids. They might be government false flag plants. My ex-wife is a total globalist. Wait, you’re not Jewish, are you?”
To himself: “Note for spy novel: has too many sex scenes with 1960s Nancy Pelosi… get it down to single-digits.”
To Rudy Giuliani: “Hey, Rudy, if you’re trying to get your hair to grow back, don’t do that hair dye crap. I have some supplements on InfoWars.com that are guaranteed to reverse hair loss. But read the side-effects first. The chemicals it uses are all banned in Europe.”
To Roger Stone: “Dude, Madison Cawthorn is talking about the coke orgies. You said he was cool! Chuck Grassley says he’s about to go strangle the little f*cker. You invited him, you have to shut him up! I’ve maintained a very polished reputation, and that little rat is gonna give everyone the ludicrous impression that I’m some kind of manic freak!”
To Mitch McConnell: “If you ever help the Democrats destroy Trump, I will make you into turtle soup and eat you for breakfast, Turtle Man!!! Who is paying you to betray America? I’m watching you and your little Reptilian plot! I will f*ck you up, and all your shapeshifting friends! You can’t brainwash me with your fluoride water because I recycle my piss through purifiers for all my hydration. You can’t control me!!!”
To Mitch McConnell, two hours later: “Quick question, will you be doing a lot of oversight on those COVID PPP loans? I’m trying to buy an erectile dysfunction pill company, but I don’t want those grubby Sandy Hook lawyers to find out about the shell companies I hide my money in.”
To Roger Stone: “I want to start dressing like a Batman villain like you do. Got any style ideas for me? I like the idea of wearing just loincloths in public. From now on at our coke orgies will you start introducing me as ‘The Beast’? Or what about ‘King Dong’? Louie Gohmert’s Titan Deluxe penis pump has given me a huge bulge. Actually, I’ll get back to you, I wanna keep workshopping alter ego names.”
To Madison Cawthorn: “Hey, bud, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re no longer invited to me and Roger’s coke orgies. You violated the first rule of talking about them in public, and also the second rule of nakedly humping people’s heads without consent. We have a zero tolerance rule for not obtaining consent. Tell your cousin he can still come by though.”
To Donald Trump Jr.: “Hey man, you doing okay? I’m a little worried about you. You know I love some of that Florida Snow just as much as the next guy, but you can’t do it moments before you give a nationally televised address! And I’ve told you so many times that you need eyedrops. Your eyes were glowing so bright red I thought Hillary infected you with her Satanic zombie venom. This may sound ironic coming from me, but moderation is the key to life. You shouldn’t be mixing so many downers and uppers. I’ll tell you what, go on InfoWars.com and use the promo code ‘HITLER2022’ and you’ll get a 75% discount on my Patriot Fuel energy drinks. They’re great and super powerful. They help me pull all-nighters like three times a week without the drip-down issues of coke, or the big pupil issues of weed. Just the occasional paranoid hallucinations, so definitely hide your guns when you’re gonna drink one. But they’ll keep you going all night. Most of the chemicals are banned in Europe, so you know they’re awesome. No socialism in these bad boys! Seriously, though, let me know if you need help. You look like sh*t in all the rant videos you keep posting online. Remember the rule: create f*cked up, but always edit and post sober!”
To Matt Gaetz: “Hey, where’s the party at? The address you gave me is a house full of underage girls. Did you mix up the digits or something?”
To Donald Trump: “I think it was Ivanka who ratted you out to the FBI. I told you she should never have married Jared Kushner. The Jews are using her to sabotage you. I don’t understand why Eric isn’t your favorite kid. He’s got a better business mind than Don Jr. for sure. The children’s charity fraud racket was the most profitable thing you’ve done financially since your Atlantic City casinos had a nice start before they went down in bankruptcy. The cancer charities aren’t the biggest windfalls in your portfolio, but they’re consistent, dependable cash! Eric was right, you guys barely have any liquid assets, so you gotta hand it to Eric for finding that little goldmine of a niche. Charity executives trying to cure children’s cancer must be the most gullible dupes in the world. And because you guys jack up prices so much when hosting their fundraisers, it means less money to cure the cancer so that the racket can keep going in perpetuity! Admit it, that was genius of Eric. You should go easier on him. He’s my favorite. Honestly, Ivanka gives me the creeps. I swear to God on the morning of the January 6th rally I heard Ivanka lean over to Barron and tell him that if he or Melania ever tried to sue her to get more money out of your last will and testament she would personally dismember him into little pieces and feed him to Melania in a stew. That’s some f*cked up sh*t. Did you know that when Ivanka left the White House she gifted all her staffers a copy of ‘The Most Dangerous Game,’ that famous short story about the island where they hunt people? She told them all that if they ever write a memoir detailing secrets of what she’s like as a boss, she’ll hunt them all like prey and feed them to their parents or children in a stew. What the f*ck is it with Ivanka and threatening to turn people into stews?”
To Mark Meadows: “Tell Trump that, if he pardons me for all the school shooting parents’ lawsuits, I’m willing to sneak into Hillary Clinton’s volcano lair so I can rescue all the captive children there, and destroy all the shapeshifting lizards’ eggs so they can’t repopulate America with their demon spawn. Then I’ll strip naked and rub myself with baby oil so I can fight Hillary’s gay frog henchmen with karate. When I get to Hillary’s palace, I’m sure she’ll be hiding in her globalist bank vault full of all the Jews’ gold, so I’ll pretend to wait for her for several hours sitting on the side of her pool of children’s blood. Real slyly, I’ll drop a vial of anthrax I’ll have been hiding in my mouth in a fake tooth the whole time to poison the pool. After I’ve waited long enough until I’m certain she must be getting weak and desperate for another sip of the blood to preserve her Satanic flesh, I’ll yell out that she must not be home so I’m leaving. As I head out of the palace, I’ll know the plan worked when I hear her demonic shrieks and I feel my ears bleed down the side of my head while the anthrax vanquishes her back to the Underworld. Then I’ll sprint to Hillary’s spaceship as the volcano starts to shake and rumble, and the walls start to collapse, and the ceiling crumbles down all around me. I’ll make it to the spaceship just in time to fly away as the volcano’s steel doors are closing, and barely make it through the gap. Then I’ll deliver the stolen children to their parents, and fly to the White House to accept my pardon. Mark, promise me you’re gonna tell Trump about my plan this time, okay?
”To his ex-wife: “If you or your lawyer call me mentally unstable one more time in court I will cut the electricity from your house, sneak into your house, and hold you and the children hostage until a SWAT team mops up my blood off the floor of your bedroom! I know you’re working with Hillary and Pelosi! I came by your house and I saw several frogs hanging around. The gay kind! How much money are those reptilian, fluoride freaks paying you to ruin me? I won’t let Hillary Clinton steal our children and bathe in their blood! Never! Does that make me crazy? I’ve never been more sane about anything in my life! You don’t even own a gun to protect the kids from the Democrats! If I’m the negligent parent, why am I the only one who leaves a loaded AR-15 out in every room for me and the kids to fend off Hillary if she sneaks into our house? Riddle me that!”
To his ex-wife (ten minutes later): “You can’t send that last email to the judge in our child custody trial because I sent it to Donald Trump too so now it’s protected by executive privilege!”
To Mitch McConnell: “Hey, Turtle Man, if Trump appointed me as a new cabinet position of Secretary of the Media in 2024, do you think the Senate would confirm me? Full disclosure, there are warrants for my arrest for public masturbation in 6 states. Let me know. I’m currently reading every biography of Joseph Goebbels I can find at every public library within a 50 mile radius of Austin… except for the libraries that have unfairly banned me for public masturbation.”
To Roger Stone: “Hey, man, ever since we invited Lauren Boebert to Chuck Grassley’s Labor Day coke orgy, it burns when I pee.” 🥃
☕️ I’m trying to be the most relentless satirist of Donald Trump and the MAGA movement on the Internet, so if you like my graffiti news comedy here’s a 50% discount on paid subscriptions to help support me, for just $2.50 a month, write full-time and tirelessly mock Trump’s fascism with comedy.
And help me grow by sharing my comedy with your liberal friends and family, and your conservative enemies!
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: “Satire In The Trump Years” and “Satire In The Biden Years,” available on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Kobo. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my humor, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my graffiti news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated and amped to think up jokes about MAGA world!
After the news we had today, this lovely lengthy post really helped me. All of it, every hysterically funny word of it. Good on you. Bless you.
😆🤣👍