Meet "The Cliterati," The Secretive Feminist Mafia Humiliating Trump

They're everywhere and nowhere, and they will not abide democratic backsliding

Photo by Andrey Zvyagintsev on Unsplash

The Cliterati calls itself a “menstrual insurgency.”

“If Trump thinks Megyn Kelly is a nasty woman on her period for asking him a tough question, he has no idea what’s coming for him. We Cliterati are the nastiest harpies Trump will ever see.”

The Cliterati are a decentralized network of righteous chaos agents with a healthy diversity of backgrounds and demographics, but their most committed members tend to be radicalized librarians, moon-charged Wiccan witches, pissed off social workers, burnt out public defenders, Millennial moms who go to school district meetings and raise hell against book bans, nurses from rural hospitals Republicans are about to shut down with their budgetary healthcare cuts, grandmas who like to regularly threaten men, cool lesbian aunts, unionized baristas, bisexual women in traditionally male career fields, young nuns, and recent divorcees who left their husbands for voting for Trump in 2024.

The Cliterati like to protest in front of churches on Sunday mornings, and call out with bullhorns for the Christians to adopt all the kids up for adoption. They also like to explain how many abortions, such as for ectopic pregnancies, are sober healthcare procedures to preserve life. And, for good measure, they like to yell out random abominations in Leviticus other than the gay one that Christians everywhere commit everyday.

To maintain their secrecy, the Cliterati have created an “underground railroad” style network of safe houses stocked with burner phones, disguises, and art tools to make anti-Trump graffiti art and win the sympathies of the public all throughout red states. The “railroad” also assists women who have MAGA husbands or partners to leave and start new lives, and they help raise funds for childcare centers in impoverished zip codes.

The Cliterati have several subgroups of agents who work in various fields of matriarchal rebellion. Some agents do spy work in gay clubs and drag shows catching publicly homophobic Republican members of Congress ironically in attendance. Other agents try to actively orchestrate gay sex stings.

“The ends of getting these weirdos out of Congress, we think, justifies the means we’re taking,” says the Cliterati about the ethical concerns.

The Cliterati are also very opposed to Elon Musk and his increasing control over various elements of the government. They offer to pay in full, as well as facilitate transportation if needed, for any woman pregnant with Elon Musk’s child to get an abortion to stop him from further polluting America’s gene pool.

Some Cliterati agents are trying to find out if Trump has any secret children running around out there as well.

Psy-ops teams in the Cliterati work with social media and search engine optimization hacks to associate Josh Hawley’s name in search engine results with “masturbation,” Ted Cruz with “squirrel pornographer,” and JD Vance with couch fucking.

At night, they stealthily replace Confederate statues in Southern towns and replace them with spectacularly large, bronze molds of female genitals they call “Labia of Liberty,” or likenesses of Susan B. Anthony. They’re currently sculpting a cast for statues of Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris to put as close to Republican Party offices as real estate opportunities will let them.

The Cliterati have gotten into finance as well, and launched a crypto coin called “Clit Coin” used solely for shorting Trump’s coin every time its price goes down. Profits go toward putting up various billboards displaying all the portraits of Trump he hates and complains about.

“Just for shits and giggles,” the Cliterati post photos of JD Vance looking like a Cabbage Patch Doll saying, “You didn’t say pwease,” everywhere they can on social media.

Cliterati field agents go deep undercover to date young conservative thought leaders and influencers to record and leak embarrassing and hypocritical texts and browser histories. They responded to ethical criticism with just an emoji: 🤷‍♀️

They also have a lovely monthly book club. This month’s book is The Mandarins by Simone de Beauvoir, and next month’s book is The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas by Gertrude Stein.

On full moon nights the more astrologically inclined Cliterati have extemporaneous bonfire parties with word-of-mouth only invites in wooded locations. They call them “Menstrual Raves,” and they burn effigies of various icons of the patriarchy while drinking to excess in Eleusinian honor of Demeter and worshipping Persephone’s underworld immortality. At the moment of peak lunar fullness the witches of the gathering go deep into the woods, cast spells against fascism, and then do things they swear themselves to secrecy about.

One Clitetati cell spends most of their time catfishing Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump into various pranks, like last month making them drive 300+ miles from NYC into the Vermont wilderness posing online as fake Azerbaijani businessmen interested in investing $25 million into the latest Trump pump-and-dump crypto coin for helping them maybe grease the wheels on some choice, laissez-faire regulatory cuts.

They’re currently looking into installing a Cliterati “Bat Signal” that will project a uterus into the sky every time Nazis start coming out of their moms’ basements with khakis, masks, and LARPing shields, and cram uncomfortably into a giant U-Haul truck to drive into the cities that terrify them collectively with strength in numbers as they do their brownshirt-wannabe marching, and then they go back into the U-Haul, and probably all smell because I would bet that cringey incels who are mad about immigrants don’t bathe enough or use enough deodorant, and then they all go home to their parents’ suburban homes and get yelled at by their moms to go shower.

They buy very niche advertising online so that they can get Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, and Pete Hegseth to see Google ads on websites for therapy services.

The most elite agents of the Cliterati are called the “G-Spot Squad,” because their male targets can never find them.

They leave calling cards that say “Lilith was here” at the scene of their every prank and mission.

The Cliterati don’t just fight fascism, they want to humiliate it. 🥃

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