Republican Catholics Want To Create A US Papacy And Make Trump Its First Pope

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Donald Trump in a press conference today insisted it doesn’t matter that he’s not Catholic:

“America needs its own Pope. Can you believe there have been 266 Popes, and not one of them has ever been an American? We’re getting screwed! All the other presidents before me have let the Vatican walk all over America. Even the so-called greats — Washington and Lincoln, Obama, and sleepy Biden who is supposedly a Catholic himself! — none of those presidents ever got us an American Pope. But I’m making the world respect America again, so I have a plan to make the Catholic Church great again!”

Trump revealed a cross necklace from behind his long, red tie.

“I’m gonna get all the top Catholics in America together, and we’re gonna start our own Catholic Church. Maybe call it the Trumplic Church. I’m still spitballing name ideas. What about something like ‘Evangelicals,’ like if we called my followers ‘Trumpicals’? No, that sounds too much like testicles. But whatever we call it, I’m going to be the first Pope. The American Pope. The real Pope. It’s about time there was an American Pope, isn’t it?”

Trump cracked open a can of Diet Coke.

“And it’s gonna be so easy to convert people. The best part is they don’t even have to change any of their necklaces or other jewelry or tattoos because the cross is already a T. Everyone can just stop associating the cross with Jesus and his cruci… iation… asphyxi… autoerotic asphyxiation — that’s it! So everyone can just start associating the symbol as a T for Trump. It’s so easy for American Catholics to convert to Trumpism — how did ‘Trumpism’ sound? Don’t worry — I’m still workshopping it.”

Trump took a long sip of his soda.

“I have so many ideas. Here’s one — I don’t drink alcohol, so let’s change the sacramental wine to apple juice. I don’t vibe with the color red anyway. Gold is much better. Seems much more wealthy. That’s the problem with Jesus… he’d have gotten way more Disciples if he didn’t dress and act so poor. People like flashy conspicuous consumption. Instead of leprosy, Jesus should have gone around curing poverty. Poverty is the most contagious disease of all, if you ask me. I’ve almost caught it so many times! And here’s another great idea: we can make Mar-a-Lago the American version of the Vatican. And maybe even make it so that Mar-a-Lago is its own country like how the Vatican City is its own country inside of Italy. If I’m my own country, I’ll never have to pay taxes again! Wouldn’t that be something?”

Trump thought to himself for a moment, and the cash register sounds going off in his head were nearly audible.

“A ‘Trumpican City’ for all the American Catholics to do pilgrimages, and book rooms for one weekend every year. And they’d come to be blessed, and wash Pope Donald’s feet. And pray toward Mar-a-Lago five times a day like Christians and Jews have to do toward the holy city of… is it Jerusalem? Bethlehem? Or what are the two cities that always get grouped together? Sodomy and Gonorrhea? I can never keep all the cities in the Bible straight, they get mixed up in my head. A lot of people don’t know this, but there’s a lot of towns mentioned in the Bible. And Mar-a-Lago will be the newest. The holiest city in the Trumpist church. And I’ll need a good name for my church. I called up one Catholic Bishop the other day, and he suggested I name my church ‘Our Lady of Perpetual Grievance.’ That sounds pretty official!”

Trump took another sip of his Diet Coke.

“And I’ll get to appoint all the American cardinals and bishops, and they’ll come to Mar-a-Lago and do all their traditions and Catholic stuff. And they’ll wash my feet, just like Jesus would have wanted for the American Pope. Pope Francis always went around washing other people’s feet, what was up with that? Yuck! What was in it for him? Did he have a foot fetish or something? You don’t become the Pope so you can be a servant for others. Ew. You make everyone else be your slave. I’m trying to be more like God than Jesus anyway. God is way more relatable, if you ask me. And much more Trumpy. Constantly threatening people? Check. Obsessed with vengeance? Check. Never hugs his kids? Check. See? God is way more like me than Jesus!”

Trump made the sign of the cross over his chest, and recited “Hail Trump” three times.

“I’m also looking forward to getting to do Confessions. I’ve never done confession before, but it looks so much fun. And real easy for blackmail purposes. People really just come up to priests and tell them out loud everything bad they’ve ever done? It’s like shooting fish in a barrel for getting blackmail and dirt on people! Plus it’ll be much easier for me to grope and kiss women when they voluntarily get into a tiny little booth alone in my Trump temple at Mar-a-Lago. So much cheaper than producing and hosting beauty pageants. I should have become a Catholic priest a long time ago.”

Then Trump paused for an introspective moment.

“Oh, but will I have to baptize people as a Pope? Do the Catholics do those adult baptisms in lakes and rivers, or is that the other Christians? There are way too many types of Christians to remember them all. But I can’t go anywhere near a body of water. My hair would never recover. You know how I can tell God isn’t real? He would let someone so pure and Jesusy like me bald prematurely and suffer through agonizing hair operations that have left my scalp a humiliating Vietnam of a mess. But no baptisms. Unless it’s a very shallow pool of water so my hair stays safe.”

Trump touched his hair with his hand for a second to make sure it was still coiffed effectively over his bald scalp.

“Maybe instead of holy water I should use my sacramental, golden apple juice on them to purify them. That would be hot. Gold liquid pouring all over the women I’m blessing. Picture me holding a beautiful woman with her eyes closed as I tell her to let in the Holy Goblin, or whatever the third one is with the Father and the Nephew, or whatever, and then I pour gold liquid on her that soaks into her clothes and drips down her skin. Why am I getting turned on all of a sudden? Oops, did I just accidentally say an inside thought about golden showers outside again?”

Trump swirled the Diet Coke that was left in his can.

“But, yeah, I’ll only baptize women. I’ll let my Vice Pope do the dudes. JD Vance? Oh! He’s Catholic! That kind of works for an American Vatican City. Maybe I should just talk to him about all this stuff. Oh — wait. He did just kill the last Pope. If I’m gonna be a Pope too I gotta figure out what JD’s up to. Is JD trying to become the Pope himself, and kill whoever gets in his way? Well then I can’t let JD be my Vice Pope, or he’ll off me to steal the job. Oh! Ivanka should be my Vice Pope! That’s what the Catholic Church needs. Some sex appeal. The Vatican has horrible branding problems right now being just full of a bunch of old men. Ivanka will bring some fresh youth to the church. And I can’t wait to baptize her myself with my apple juice. Who knew being Catholic could be so fun?”

Trump smiled to himself for a moment before continuing.

“You know, the ancient pharaohs in Egypt were considered gods on Earth, and they all married their siblings and kids to keep their family lines pure… and they had an empire that lasted millennia! People are talking that maybe incest isn’t so bad. I’ll have RFK Jr. direct all the top national medical experts to look into it. But Catholics in America better get ready because I’m about to give them everything they’ve ever wanted. They won’t believe how great being Catholic will be again. Wow, I’m so good at religion!”

Trump finished the rest of his Diet Coke.

“Catholics are going to have a golden age! And it’s about time — let’s be honest, the Popes in Rome have been getting a little too DEI if you ask me. Serving the poor? Calling for more protections for refugees? When did the Vatican get so Woke? People are saying Pope Francis was more Woke than the crazy Democrats, and he was calling the Palestinian Catholics every night. He was more communist than even Bernie and AOC!” 🥃

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