Serious Thoughts From A Satirist

5 thoughts for the week

Photo by Sage Friedman on Unsplash

1. Elon Musk is paying a lot of women to be their uninvolved baby daddies like a giant weirdo.

Anyone see the reporting about Elon Musk paying a bunch of women to have children for him? It’s so weird, but also not very surprising he would have a Genghis Khan ego complex and obsession with spreading his genetics as far as he can.

He has referred to his kids as a “legion.” Why does he have such a warlord perspective about life and family? So weird. And he promises the women a lot of money. Is that even a good investment for the women anymore? Tesla is hemorrhaging stock value, profit, and market share… if he’s promising a bunch of women $20,000 a month, I’m not sure he’s good for that long term.

Why is everyone who gets high up in the MAGA aristocracy so insanely weird?

2. Here’s something else weird: MAGA parties

Mar-a-Lago just seems like the most gauche royal court in the world, and the type of women who are really gung-ho about ethno-nationalist fascism are developing an odd form of facial and bodily augmentation that, when coupled with the seemingly required heavy handed use of makeup, is at least a little frightening.

More provincial MAGA parties hosted by people Donald Trump does not and will never care about are even weirder with the stale, un-electric vibe of ostensibly christian conservative values. This is purely anecdotal vibe-checking, but I get the sense that even MAGA people going to these parties recognize that recreational and social political partisanship isn’t fun if you’re just preaching to the choir. Owning the libs isn’t fun if there aren’t any libs around to get owned.

It’s just not a good hang when the point of the party is mostly to show off merch idolizing their wannabe monarch who gives them aristocratic proximity to power and wealth if they’re rich, or guilt-free permission to say “retard” if they’re poor. Even weirder that all the MAGA guys wear those hats. For constantly launching culture wars everytime there’s a gay character in a movie, or they see a kid with gay parents in a shoe commercial, it’s pretty weird to walk around everywhere in public always showing off your little hat shrine to daddy Trump.

3. “The government should be run like a business” say Republicans who are cheering for Trump’s senseless trade warring.

Public governments are not businesses, and Trump is a preposterous poster boy for business-style politics.

He ran every business he ever had into the ground, and got himself so deep into debt that his debts became his creditors’ problem. The banks he committed fraud against were essentially forced to give him allowances to pretend to still be rich so that his otherwise worthless properties and brand could recoup some of their money.

His tariffs are the perfect example of his business idiocy. What business would drop massive tariffs on the entire world with no warning? A responsible government would release info on the tariffs months in advance to give companies plenty of time to prepare their employees and customers, adjust their supply chains, and steady their businesses for any potential uncertainty. Instead, Trump just likes the attention he’s getting from the media and the entire world having no clue what he’s doing or why he’s doing it.

His own administration staffers can’t articulate anything he’s doing, and the MAGA ecosystem from Trump’s Treasury Secretary to Fox News hosts are giving wildly conflicting rationales and theories. Trump announces massive tariffs on all our allies and loyal trading partners? MAGA says it will lead us to prosperity! Inflation goes up and capital flees the US stock market? Prosperity! Trump backpedals on most of the tariffs? Prosperity! Trump doubles down on China, and tops the tariffs over 100% while saying there will be no exceptions? Prosperity! Trump suddenly excludes a bunch of important industries from the tariffs? Prosperity! US Farmers suddenly lose their customers for soybeans, pork, and beef? Prosperity! Trump muses aloud about bailing out the farmers again? Opposite and conflicting actions can’t all lead to the same outcome of prosperity. That’s a cult mindset!

4. Donald Trump’s haggling over Greenland is classic Trump.

We already have a military base on Greenland, and both Greenlanders and the Danes have been stalwart US allies for decades. Trump could easily have made some deal (especially if you believe his constant self-aggrandizement of being the greatest dealmaker of all time) for hosting new military bases and ports and mining investments, but, instead — in true Trump fashion — he decided to be a giant dick for no reason, and now Greenlanders hate him and are souring on the existing US base while Europeans are pissed off and contemplating a new NATO without the US. He can’t help himself but be such a belligerent idiot, and it’s very self-defeating.

5. Trump’s on-the-table idea to invade Greenland (a NATO ally) must make Vladimir Putin burst into laughter every time he thinks about it.

Putin made comments recently supporting Trump’s proposal to steal Greenland because that sentiment supports his own 1940s-style territorial expansions. No doubt they’ve talked about this in both their publicly disclosed conversations as well as the private ones Trump probably conducts via several cutouts in and out of Mar-a-Lago or his personal cell phone much more than the public knows.

Nothing would be more on brand for Trump than him making a personal deal with Putin agreeing to give up support for Ukraine, disband NATO, and stop end America’s alliance with Western Europe in exchange for Putin “letting” Trump have Greenland and the Panama Canal, and for Trump to think that this was some brilliant dealmaking on his part.

It’s pathetic how hard Trump tries to make Putin respect him. The Trump agenda on foreign policy entirely ignores the fact that the US is the hyperpower, and Russia is a declining, backwater gas station with a kleptocratic government held together only by the extreme dictatorial sociopathy of a czar (whose health does not look very good), who is further wrecking his nation wasting an entire generation of young Russian men to save face in his late-life crisis fuckup in Ukraine attempting to conquer now barren and worthless land full of mines and unexploded ordinance for his delusional 11th-hour dreams of empire. 🥃

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