What To Expect From Trump's Birthday Military Parade

Trump has some big plans for his big day!

The Halfway Cafe

Jun 09, 2025

First off, a new Brain Milk live conversation with Adrian Polk is up:

Brain Milk #5 with Dash MacIntyre and Adrian Polk

The Halfway Cafe and Nitwit Politics

Jun 9

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Here’s what to expect to see at Trump’s week long celebration to himself more fitting for a 6 year-old-boy king from the 1400s than the President of the United States in 2025:

Military tanks causing tens of millions of dollars’ worth of damages to the streets around D.C.
Steve Bannon to deliver a speech about how it’s time to deport Elon Musk (might be canceled if Trump and Musk truce before then)
Trump staffers unveiling a giant statue of Trump in the middle of the White House’s Rose Garden that went way over budget
Thousands of people wearing chicken suits commemorating how Trump Always Chickens Out will walk around giving out free tacos to protesting liberals
The unveiling of a new plan to edit out Thomas Jefferson from Mt. Rushmore and replace his likeness with Trump’s face
Steven Miller unveiling his first Human Centipede made out of immigrants arrested for deportation
Donald Trump Jr. getting filmed awkwardly appearing to reach into his pocket and then rubbing his finger on his gums
Eric Trump’s appeal that Grandma and Grandpa lived big, beautiful lives, but when MAGA fans get their inheritances it would be great for America and the economy if they invested those inheritances into the Trump crypto coin. Eric will interject himself many times with, “We swear it’s not a pump-and-dump!”
Kim Jong Un attending for some reason, and Muhammad bin Salman, and Trump’s “favorite dictator” Abdel Fattah el-Sisi
Marjorie Taylor Greene’s nephew will play a DJ set under the name “JSL,” which is an acronym for Jewish Space Laser, but he pronounces like “jizzle”
A debate on the topic, “Did Hitler have SOME good ideas?” between Nick Fuentes (for the topic) and Tucker Carlson (also for the topic)
A coloring contest judged by anti-trans activist Matt Walsh with the theme “What Is A Man Or Woman?” for kids to color in graphic pictures of either a vagina or a penis, with the penis picture allegedly featuring his own for some weird reason
A “Roast of Ted Cruz,” hosted by Donald Trump (and possibly a public hanging if the crowd starts chanting “Hang Ted Cruz” loud enough)

A raffle sale of various gas stoves for winners to install in their kitchens and own the libs by letting their children inhale the slowly leaking gas fumes throughout their childhoods and develop lifelong asthma
A vaccine-free play pen for kids to get diseases and build natural immunity
Several vendors handing out free samples of their raw milk products that RFK Jr. gave exemptions from health code inspectors
A Christmas-themed photo-op for all the attendees to get their family Christmas card pictures holding AR-15s taken early this year
A screening of Louie Gohmert’s documentary, The Female Orgasm Hoax
A couple dozen tuba players will wait for every time Trump is walking around outside to play music that sounds like a lumbering elephant
A new documentary from Dinesh D’Souza and Mike Lindell where they claim they have invented a satellite that can see backwards in the space-time continuum, and that they now have irrefutable proof of Democratic operatives planting fake votes to steal the 2020 election
An after-hours bonfire party where Trump will ignite the Tesla car he bought, and attendees are invited to bring and burn books with gay characters, things with rainbows on them, COVID masks, vaccination and other medical records, school textbooks that don’t mention the 2020 election was stolen, solar-powered things, Colin Kaepernick football jerseys, Ukrainian flags, and Senator Josh Hawley is reportedly inviting attendees to bring porn magazines he says he will “put in a box to save for the next bonfire”
A “Blacks 4 Trump” signup drive and barbecue that offers $150 for Black people to sign a pledge saying they will vote for Trump again in 2028 if he decides to run for a third term
A GOP coke orgy that’s INVITE ONLY *Reminder: Madison Cawthorn is still banned for life from all Republican Party functions for talking about them in public! ALERT SECURITY IMMEDIATELY IF YOU SEE CAWTHORN TRYING TO SNEAK IN!
A specially recorded message from Vladimir Putin that will play at some point on a big projector screen where he compliments America’s conservative men for how smart, masculine, and patriotic they are to stock up on guns and ammo, and start a second American civil war
A panel debate from the executives behind Project 2025 entitled, “We Owned The Libs So Hard By Lying To Everyone Saying Trump Wouldn’t Do Project 2025, But Now That He Won We’re Totally Doing Project 2025”
Palestinian protesters WON’T protest Trump’s birthday festivities, and instead will go protest Democratic Congress members’ offices, even though Trump and Republicans have all the power, and certainly Kamala Harris would have been much more thoughtful of the Palestinian plight and cause than Trump is being
A softball Trump interview with a Fox News host who won’t ask him about Elon Musk calling for his impeachment or allegation that Trump is a pedophile, the viral stock hashtag “TACO” that refers to him as a chicken, his promise to get 90 trade deals in 90 days being a typical Trump promise that’s baseless and an utter failure, any of the many judicial cases he’s currently losing, the fact that he almost just fell down the stairs of his plane after spending years mocking Biden’s age and frailty, his obvious crypto grifting, his obvious stock grifting, his obvious private plane grifting, or address why his face is so orange and noticeably darker than his ears, neck, and hands
Donald Trump ranting for 90 minutes doing all his greatest hits about toilets, showers, water pressure, windmills, the fake news media, all his former national security advisers who are now saying he’s unfit to be reelected being nasty, “Ron DeSanctimonious,” Jack Smith, sharks, Greenland, the Panama Canal, the loyalty of Hitler’s generals, and his idea to start a “Trump Youth” program for teen girls
A bunch of people walking around with Gadsden “Don’t Tread On Me” flags, despite how there’s a lot of treading going on with the Trump Administration deploying the National Guard and flirting with sending Marines to LA, and innocent people being abducted from the street and getting deported to countries they’ve never lived in, and Trump not listening to judges about the brazen unConstitutionality of many of his policies and executive orders
Trump wearing a general’s costume with a lot of medals and ribbons on it, including a Purple Heart that says “No STDs” on it
An Evangelical Christian group revealing a new “3rd Testament of the Bible” that is a 20-book narrative of Trump’s “childhood foretold by the prophets of the Old Testament, and anticipated by the Disciples of the New Testament,” his lifetime of “economic miracles” of amazing casinos and hotels and golf courses, his “divine intervention” election victory over Hillary Clinton in 2016, his “political crucifixion” during the 2020 election when Biden stole it from him, and his “resurrection” in 2024 to defeat “Satanic gorgon Kamala Harris” (50% of all proceeds of 3rd Testament profits go to Trump for licensing his name)
Elon Musk will crash the party and announce he has in his possession some Epstein photos and videos of Trump with minors that one of his twink D.O.G.E. incels stole while auditing the FBI, and he will release them unless Trump gives him all of NASA’s budget, as well as military contracts for Starlink, the military’s war plans with China to leverage for economic deals for his factories there, and generous subsidies for US consumers of electric vehicles 🥃

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